tonight, i cooked for the first time since i got hired. it was soul-fulfilling.

this weekend, i will blog. i promise. i don't want to lose all this newness; the freshness of my emotion and experience. one day, i'll want to remember the scents and sounds and imagery. this weekend. it will happen. because it is a three-day weekend; and one i will fully devote to myself. well, and the Lord. but just not school work.

amen.

body builder

ahh, saturday. at last. and not a saturday like last saturday, that involved lots of tears and goodbyes and shopping trips to walmart, the dollar tree, and the parent teacher store. but a lovely saturday that began 4 hours after my now-normal 5:45 a.m. wake up, with a pedicure, clean linens, laundry put away, and a fresh haircut (just a trim, nothing crazy. i gave up emotional cutting after high school).

on the way to the salon this afternoon, i spent some really good time in passionate prayer. i feel like its been a while since i've prayed with such passion an authority. after bathing some friends back home in prayer (be praying for my friends Tim and Sarah Jean Collins; Tim's father passed away sometime between Thursday and today, and his mom passed away after battling cancer just two months ago), and praying favor and blessing over my friends that just left Haiti, i began to really pray for myself.

this week has been tremendously hard. having to jump in in the middle of the first inning not knowing i was even on the roster has left me feeling completely underprepared and my confidence on the floor. i'm the first one there, last to leave; and i feel like i come home so empty from the day, and craving so much someone to share that with. so it's been really hard to say the least. but i began to really pray that the Lord would work through my brokenness, work through my stretching, the pain-- and then revelation fell. it was as if a concept, previously unknown, was placed right in the middle of my brain, suddenly snapping my eyes open to what God was saying.

the stretching, the tearing, the pain... it's a lot like muscle building. and right now, i'm building your heart. i'm increasing your capacity to lift more. it's not a season of brokenness, even. it's part of the process of strength training.

floored at the thought of this concept, i began to praising Him for the sweet revelation. for the confirmation that this too shall pass. for the affirmation that this is both essential in making me great, and only needed for a time. it was such a sweet moment when Jesus gave me exactly what i needed.

so today, isn't just like any other saturday. i came home with more than fresh toes, coiffed hair, and a clean toilet. i've got a fresh outlook reminding me that God is a God that loves me, and is taking care of me, and is holding my hand as i tread water, careful to never let me drown.

everything i know i've learned in kindergarten

ya'll. this week has been life changing.

wednesday, i got an email for a mass interview.

thursday, i interviewed and got called back in 30 minutes for another.

friday, i interviewed with a panel, and got called back in 30 minutes and was offered the job. an hour later, i had my key and saw my classroom.

saturday, i started setting up my classroom and making my (now daily) trips to walmart and the dollar store. i came home at 11 p.m.

sunday, i returned to finish my classroom, with help from a few friends (praise the Lord for that, too!).

monday, i started teaching.

and i feel as if that is how fast it has happened too. gosh, just the other day, i was shopping for an interview dress.

and tuesday came, with mental and emotional overload. the thoughts began to swirl: what if i couldn't get the hang of it? would i always spend 12+ hours a day at the school? how could i ever have a family? will i ever get to go to the gym? what if i don't like it? what if i fail?

as i bawled and sobbed on my way to school, and said all of my fears out loud, it was as if God used my own voice to tell me: "it will come." and in the midst of my tears, as what came from my mouth registered from in my ears, i began to sob more. thankful to know that it will come. i will get the hang of it. i will reach a point where i feel comfortable and confident. but the scary part is that its not any time soon.

the anguish subsided throughout the day, as i slowly got to a place where i at least felt ready for the next day (today). but that, too, subsided when i got home and began working on things and thinking about how much i didn't know; how i didn't want to fail at this. another breakdown; and thankful for good friends that are able to remind me of who I am and what I've been able to accomplish. Also thankful to just have an ear to cry to.

today went well. it was my first full day, and honestly, i'm quite pleased with it. there were moments my heart smiled. there were moments (the kissing hand) that my eyes welled with tears and i had to pause before i cried. and there were moments that i felt like everything is going to be alright.

i stayed at the school til about 6:20. i told myself i would leave when my desk was clean. that meant i had some filing to do, some hot gluing, sorting, updating email lists, you name it. as i left, not planned for tomorrow, nor with my centers all set up, i still felt like i was leaving accomplished. i felt like i was at a point that i could walk away. and sometimes, you just have to.

going over my notes from this very date last year in my K internship, i wrote down a quote from my favorite Kinder, Stokes: "But it's good to be nervous." underneath i had written an epiphany that comforted my heart, then and now: "it means you're taking a risk or facing a fear and hoping for something better."

i'm nervous alright.

(and i came home really strong, showered, got in bed to be mindless at 7:30, and here come the tears again. please pray.)

independently wealthy

in my current bout of waiting, you would think i would be blogging more; seeing as how my time is unlimited by hours of prepping a classroom, writing intricate lesson plans, or spent in professional development training. but as is most things with life, when you have the time, you don't do it. when you don't have the time, you find the time.

in my time in the word this morning, i decided to re-read some of my favorite passages. but this time, i read them in the Message Bible, a text i'm not fully familiar with, aside from the controversy of taking the literal and making it just practical. i loved the new light it shed on old, familiar text.

i was blown away by reading every loverbird's favorite chapter: 1 Corinthians 13. even thinking about the context it was written in (Paul addressing issues of dissension in the church; how to treat our brethren), i think it has strong implications for all of our daily interactions. i've posted it here for your convenience, and my historian personality.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.Love never dies.

Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit.We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete.But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

i am indefinitely blown away by the vivid imagery that this text evokes. rusty gates, burned martyr? we don't even begin to think of these things in our modern-day Christianity outside of formal scripture. but to honestly live with love, calling life without love bankrupt!? that part got me. knowing that all the credentials in the world mean nothing without love. that a swiss bank-account with a posted balance in the trillions would yield nothing without love?! we miss that, and we miss it by a huge margin most often.

to know that love puts up with anything, always trusts God ... wow! are we living this out as Christians right now? in our quarrels and silly, selfish wants, are we trying to take things into our own hands and out of the hands of the Almighty God that may have ordained our current situation just as it is? and we go and get frustrated with people: superiors/bosses/principals, HR departments, co-workers, friends, roomates, family, children, spouses or significant others. we say it's my way or the high-way. they need to apologize. i'm hurt, and i'm right, and i have the right to be hurt. no, no, NO! God did not design us to seek self-promotion (love isn't always me first-- nor does it say never me first, that's another post!). He designed us to live within the church or our Christian family as an illustration of His love for the world. to love unconditionally, to seek Him above all, and to serve humbly and with compassion. is there a clause about getting hurt in the process? nope. is there one about ruined first impressions, or neglected second chances? not that i can see here. love, true love for one another requires a selfless choice to say "no matter what." without having a background in statistics or any real way of measuring this, i would venture to say 90% of love is completely regardless of feelings. its a choice, just as paul describes it here.

many of us are familiar with this text from weddings or valentine's or marking a commitment in a romantic relationship; and although this is a wonderful example of unconditional love that is required in committed, romantic relationships, Paul was not giving marriage counsel to Mary and Joseph. he was addressing relationships, friendships, interactions among Christians! i am almost mad at myself for constantly missing the fullness of what this text means.

again, i re-read the end. simple passages that are often trimmed from the typical 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 faire: "Trust steadily in God; hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly."

wow. God is so good.

from the perspective of a raindrop

i didn't get the job. long story short: they loved me. the principal continued to rave over me during my highly-anticipated let-down courtesy call. thought i made a perfect match with the school, clicked well with the faculty. said they really, really, really liked me. wished they had another position to offer me immediately; but will hold onto my resume if anything comes up (and be encouraged, things do come up in August). but when it boiled down to it, i didn't have experience with International Baccalaureate, one of the other candidates did. no hard feelings, i just didn't have the experience they desired, and there is not one thing i could've done better to do that. disappointed, absolutely; but pleased, yes. i'm still pleased with the interview, and i know that yesterday's manna doesn't get us anywhere today, but at least i have a glimpse of hope.

***

with that said, i am still jobless. i've spent hours perusing the internet, checking Metro, Rutherford, Franklin Special and Williamson County districts. i've ran the gamut of private or religiously-affiliated school websites only to be left hopeless at the vacancy of vacancies on each employment phase.

i know the Lord has called me to teaching. i know its something i love and am good at. but times like right now, i wonder what the silence means. am i looking in the wrong states? wrong countries? wrong venues? i felt peace about being back in Nashville; but is it about feelings or about peace? i've begun to feel peace about the possibility of teaching in Florida, but i'm not certified there. since i've been back, i've learned to not lay claim to the present as permanent. it is all ephemeral; as unpredictable and temporal as the track of a raindrop to its destiny on the ground. but i'm reminded that that raindrop is integral for the growth of shrubs and brush, flowers and trees. it's only one small drop, but it is a necessary in absorption process of that plant, to grow to it's full destiny.

i just wish i knew which way the wind was blowing, where it would guide my path. would i land on a rooftop, only to flow down each roof tile, into the leaf-clogged gutters, and slowly make my way down through the waterspout, (to wash the spiders out, of course) to my life as a puddle? i don't know where my path leads, or if its even begun raining yet. but i know that the ground is my goal, that my life will be lived to help others grow.

***

i hold onto hope, and i know that both in my spiritual journey, as well as the one of my career, i am far from the finish line. Philippians 3:12-15 from the Message Bible reads: "I'm not saying that I have all this together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-- toward Jesus. I'm off and I'm running-- and I'm not turning back."

reality check.

first, read: http://prayfordaisy.com/

then, cry.

next, discuss.

i am so challenged by the precious life of this little girl, and the suffering of her family. their faith in the bleakest of times moves me in a way i'm almost ashamed of. i ask that you would pray for her, for healing. for wholeness of her body. for the Lord to miraculous restore her health to what He designed it to be. and pray for her family, too. that their faith would increase. that each day would be another opportunity to praise the Lord for life and breath. that they would be able to stand before each other and the Lord and worship Him in light of their suffering. that others would be transformed by their faith and trust in God. that they would be comforted, and given peace that surpasses all understanding.

and pray for me, too. that i would learn that what i've endured is mild compared to the sufferings and trials and pain of others. that i would learn what it looks like to live a faith like Job. that even when hopeful situations drop me right back off at square-one's door step (i just got the call; they hired someone else), that my trust in the Lord and the truth of His Word would not falter based on circumstance.

dial tone

the last time i sat in such an intense anticipation of a phone call, it was a boy, and i was no likely older than 18. but at 25, i sit--reading, watching sermons, praying, pacing-- anything to take my mind off of the fact that in 30 minutes to 2 hours, my entire life could be radically changing. i will either go back to square one, trusting that the Lord is Lord and He has a plan for me; one that this 4th grade teaching position would keep me from. or i will be full-fledged-flung-forward, launching my career as a teacher; ending my 7-month hiatus (really, an entire year) from full-time, paid employment. this phone call could be the call that changes everything; or as Mat Kearney tells us, "we're all just one phone call from our knees."

either way, i am trusting that the Lord of Lords, my King, my God knows His plans for my future. and i know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. job or no job, this works to lead me in pursuit of His will, all for His glory. even just going into the interview, i prayed that He would be glorified through it. that my stewardship of passion and knowledge and purpose would shine, as a testament to His glory.

and so, i wait. patient and eager, just like those phone calls from a million miles away. only difference is, this one is coming.