written in the sky.

i walked out of my classroom feeling a little burdened by the end of the year.  the last car in the parking lot, and yet still, i wasn't nearly finished with my work for the week.  but the rainbow over my shoulder reminded me of one thing:

God's promise.

i would not drown beneath the flood of work that consumed me.  i would be kept afloat, by Him alone.  He would not give me more than I could bear.

i looked once again at the majestic display of His beauty, glory, and promise and smiled.  He knew just what I needed.

hmmpph.

hmmpph.  that noise produced somewhere between your nose and your throat, that causes your lips to curl outwards and your shoulders to shrug up.  i think of it as the laugh of pure contentment and disbelief. if there is such a laugh.  if not, i just patented it.

i've been making that noise for about 36 hours now, but will give the story it's due time.  i just want to take just a moment while i have it to document His goodness and mercy and faithfulness-- oh! His faithfulness!-- as it's fresh in my heart.

let it simmer, let it soak.  breathe it in.  


hmmpph.  i did it again.  when i think about all that is happening and all that He is working together-- working together for good! my good!--  i can't help but feel that slack-jawed, completely and utterly shocked and amazed feeling.

and to know, that He cares.

this much.

about me.

about every. single. one of us.

life is seriously swirling around me faster than a Texas tornado.  a million things are on deadline.  as that deadline is reached, a million other things await with another short timeline.  there's not much time.  to do it.  or until it all needs to be done.

but i can't help, just to sit here, in my shocked-stupor (as if i should still be shocked and amazed by His faithfulness these days), and speak not a word, yet say it all.  hmmpph.

have i got a story for you...!

i do, indeed.

let it rain.

the skies have been grey for hours.  the thunder has been booming above me since i've been sitting on the porch.  although the forecast calls for a clear evening, shows sunny skies, and only a 20% chance of rain, i'm choosing to believe they are wrong.

its ironic that the rain begins to fall as the sun is blaring its reflection on my laptop screen from above the porch overhang.  it's 90 degrees and i'm in jeans and two shirts.  needless to say, i'm sweating sitting out here, but our a/c has been out of 5 days, and the smell of the rain is intoxicating to my spirit.  i love the sound it makes as it cascades all the way down the leaves and branches of the huge trees in my front yard. it has yet to bring that coolness that is usually ushered in with early-summer showers...

... and just like that, Jesus knows how to speak to me.  sweetly and tenderly, yet mighty and strong.  just like these thunderstorms.  i quickly tore off my over shirt and stood on my sidewalk, arms stretched towards the heavens, and rain kissing my face.  but it wasn't enough.  i ran inside, shed my jeans for some athletic shorts, grabbed a towel from the porch and ran to the side of the yard, just hidden enough so the neighbors wouldn't think i was crazy.

i sat and giggled and prayed and sang.  i watched as the raindrops created cheetah spots on the wooden privacy fence beside me, slowly turning all the wood to that darkened, wet, natural color.

Your peace is the melody, would you sing it over me now?

i don't know when it happened: when we became conditioned to not play in the rain.  but there is something about it that is so unnatural.  we shudder from every drop, quick to make it to the car or house in the midst of a downpour.  we cover our heads more from rain than in the threat of a tornado warning or in a way we don't even shield our face from the sun (which could actually cause damage).  so sitting in the midst of an afternoon rainstorm was not exactly natural, in the physical, but felt so, so natural in my heart.  it was, ironically, exactly what i needed. 

my heart giggles.

serendipity.

life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. 

psalm 143

denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

outlined in the now-famed "of death and dying," and "of grief and grieving," these 5 stages of grief help give structure to the framework of emotion one experiences when grieving a loss.

i think i'm currently somewhere between 4 and 5, although 2-4 seemed to come tightly knit, like russian cousins.  and in true God fashion of expediency, i was still on stage 1 monday.

no one i know has died, but i am feeling a loss of a dream.  i've been struggling with how to deal, with what to think; whether i should fight and contend, or relinquish hope into His hands and say i surrender.  honestly, i have no answer.  i feel like God has been silent on this one, and if we're honest here (and in these parts of the netborhood, we are), that troubles me.  if we're really honest, i'll confess that part of me wants to give up contending because it is so exhausting and if it's going to happen or not seems to already be in His hands, so what's the point?

i know He is faithful in all things; and i trust His judgment better than my own.  but sometimes, it just really makes me really sad.  if we're being totally real about emotion, and the final ability to experience it, i am sad because i have willingly given my control over, knowing that the outcome is not what my heart desires, and still knowing i won't try to pick up the controller either.  so i think it's only fair that i lament that.  i don't want to control it, but i just want to be honest before the Lord that this hurts.

the not-knowing feels like intentional disregard.  the silence feels like abandonment.  the ripping away of dreams that fill my lungs feels like the very breath being taken from my diaphragm.  dreams that He created me with.  why would he rip them away?  who gives candy to a baby, and then takes it away?  that's just cruel; we learn that almost immediately out of the womb.

i feel one of two things.  well, more like a million of a billion, but we'll settle for the cliche.  i feel like God promised me something, and went back on His word; or I feel like I've missed His voice, and made it all up.  neither of them leave me feeling very confident, in Him, or in my ability to hear Him.

i'm bawling for the first time in a really long while, and it's freeing.  it's because i'm pouring out emotions that i'm actually experiencing, and i'm able to put to words something i'm feeling.  this is a release i've been waiting for.  although, i'd rather feel broken over the depravity of humanity, or the beauty of His grace and mercy, or ... well anything but actually feeling personally crappy.

what really sucks is that i feel like if Haiti doesn't work out, because I sat and waited for months obediently, seeking the Lord and not moving without Him, I feel like I would seriously just do whatever with my time this summer.  Take a trip, go to Ireland.  Finally go to the Keys.  who knows, who cares.  I would spend it, still a Christian, still looking for opportunity to serve the Kingdom, but not with the intention of that.  That is my intention in Haiti; and there's this wall that looks like a fortress that no amount of walking in circles and blowing on horns will bring about its fall.

that's what gets me.  the one place i want to go, the one thing i feel called to do, and theres a blasted padlock on the door.  everyone else can get it, but i've not been given the code.  it's really frustrating, and God, if we're being honest, and you're a big God and you can take it, but it makes me angry.

yet, still, I know Him to be faithful.  I know He operates with eyesight much more keen than ours.  i know He cares more about our holiness and goodness and His relationship with us than we could ever attempt to feign.  pendulum swing, and i feel inauthentic lauding Him with praises of faithfulness when I feel so abandoned from Him.

i hope in my honesty, i have not sinned.  God, this is so hard.  my hope is in You, not in Your favor upon me. but i have to be honest.  david was honest in His cries to the Lord in Psalm 143 (which He totally lead me to in the word tonight).  you can read it here, in the ESV as i read it in my Bible, but there is something about this verse in The Message that brought such a connectedness over it, literally after i had completed this post with "David was honest in His cries to the Lord in the Psalms," written above. 

1-2 Listen to this prayer of mine, God; pay attention to what I'm asking. Answer me—you're famous for your answers! Do what's right for me. But don't, please don't, haul me into court; not a person alive would be acquitted there. 3-6 The enemy hunted me down; he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life. He put me in a black hole, buried me like a corpse in that dungeon. I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away, my heart heavy, like lead. I remembered the old days, went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked, Stretched out my hands to you, as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain. 7-10 Hurry with your answer, God! I'm nearly at the end of my rope. Don't turn away; don't ignore me! That would be certain death. If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice, I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you. Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before you. Save me from my enemies, God— you're my only hope! Teach me how to live to please you, because you're my God. Lead me by your blessed Spirit into cleared and level pastureland. 11-12 Keep up your reputation, God—give me life! In your justice, get me out of this trouble! In your great love, vanquish my enemies; make a clean sweep of those who harass me. And why? Because I'm your servant.

to be honest, i wrote all this and decided not to publish it; i didn't want people to read and see the painful struggle of heart and flesh and spirit at first.  but after seeing David's heart, and how mine so mimicked everything he already felt, i was encouraged to know that my feelings, my emotions, we're legitimate, and was reminded that we can be honest before the Lord with that.  and if we can be honest to God, we can be honest with each other, especially when still pointing to what we know to be truth.  He. IS. faithful.

chasing a squirrel down an alley

squirrels.

lots, and lots of squirrels. 

"squirrels" are what my friends have dubbed my non-sequitar thoughts and interjections, often within my own stories or musings. 

this day, and this recollection, is a family of squirrels.  i've given the asterisks to at least separate one squirrel from the next.  

i actually wrote this backwards.  and then flipped it all.  that was fun.  did you see that?  that commentary squirrel, right there?  that one was free; won't cost you a dime.

***

it started to rain.  that light, misty rain, that just begs you to channel your inner child and come out to play in it.  i don't even like to run.  i'd been banking on a nap since before my feet hit the floor this morning.  but the unction within me was more than my own.  He was calling me on a run with Him.  there was an urgency i felt to go, now, even as i laced up my tennies and tracked down my headphones.

i begged Him for the rain to fall as I began to run.  i set out not knowing if it would be just around the block, down the road, or until i returned drenched.  my heart craved a downpour.  it just felt right, like it would usher in an emotional release through the mixing of endorphins and precipitation.

the music from my earbuds traveled down to my feet as i praised Him to the rhythm of pounding pavement.

when the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor.  and all that really matters, is I can't feel you anymore.  i can't feel you anymore.   

cos i need a reason to sing, i need a reason to sing. i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands. and i need a reason to sing. 

when i'm overcome by fear, and i hate everything i know; if this waiting lasts forever, i'm afraid i might let go.  i'm afraid i might let go.   

cos i need a reason to sing, cos i need a reason to sing.  i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands.  and i need a reason to sing. 

will there be a victory? could you sing it over me now? You're peace is the melody; will You sing it over me now?  will there be a victory? could you sing it over me now?  You're peace is the melody; will You sing it over me now? 

Cos I need a reason to sing.  I need a reason to sing.  I need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands.  that is a reason to sing.

with my arms raised high, i praised Him through my run.  the words sang out what my heart had felt.  God, i need to know that you have all of this.  it looks like everything is falling down around me.  i've been waiting, and waiting.  and honestly, i'm afraid i might let go; not because you've called me into surrender.  but that it's just too hard to fight for any more. 

*** 

during part of my run, i cried out to the Lord, "this is torture! why are you doing this to me?!"  the run, the distinctly unique odor of garbage, the rotting cadaver of an unfortunate possum.  the infinite beauty of a home and back yard and patio for entertaining that i'd never be able to afford to own.  this is torture God.  i don't even like running.  i just want to go home.  just let me go home.

honey, this is not torture, He replied.

i wish i knew what it was, but i know He at least told me what it wasn't.

as He zig-zagged me through my neighborhood, i canvased between streets two, three, even four times.  there was an urge to continue that was not in my body, not even in my heart.  at each street corner, i asked Him which way to go, when i could return home.  i passed my house or street at least five times, asking Him if i could return home.  the answer was always no.  i never tried to change His mind, but i sure let Him know that i didn't want to do this any more.  even though i wanted to quit and go home, i knew he said to keep going.  so, i kept going.  i kept running or walking or turning left or right or straight, wherever he said.  and i understood none of it.  none. of. it.

***

in hindsight, the Lord was asking me to follow Him.  in obedience.  He was asking me if i would go left if he said left.  if i would stick with it, even if i wanted to give up.  He wanted to see if I would be faithful in the little things.  would i say yes, even if i didn't understand why? or what? or how? or even where?  i literally don't have to understand A-N-Y of this.  i just need to walk (or, run in this case) by faith, alone.

***


random squirrels:


sometimes, the Lord leads you through the alley ways of life.

alleys are anonymous; you're not likely to run into anyone you know.  it's a place to be hidden, concealed; yet also, not put on display. 

they only mimic their named counterparts; the avenues and roads and streets and boulevards that get all the acclaim, and garner all the addresses.  

the facades of the homes are pristine and well-manicured, landscaped and inviting.  but its the alley that all  the junk you've hoarded all your life is dealt with and brought to the curb. 

alleys stink.  they are lined with trashcans and compost and recycling receptacles.