haiti is not a place.

each sunday at church, our pastor's wife, kim, leads the congregation in prayer. her prayers, sensitive and sincere, are unlike any prayers i've ever heard. the gratitude with which she speaks, the sensitivity to the issue and to the Spirit are remarkable. i remember the first sunday night service i went to as a visitor. wrestling with a.d.d. and an anxious mind, her often long and thoughtful prayers were a challenge for my speeding mind to compete with. but i have grown to love our prayer time at TVC. its very rare for my eyes to remain dry after bringing the needs and the praises, the frustrations and the honest vulnerability of our church family before our loving and ever-present Father. but this morning, as kim prayed, lifting up the nation of haiti, i became undone.

you see, for me, haiti is not a distant country in which the idea of suffering and poverty come to the forefront of our mind at the mention of its name. it has not been reduced to a 4th-world nation, so corrupted and backwards and even primitive in some parts of its day-to-day life. it is more than a collapsed government, a desperate people-- rattled by disease and disaster, impoverished, bleeding, grieving, alone. it is not reduced to the images of fear and desperation, death and dying, that stream across our tv screens with a breaking news ticker reporting that more lives have been lost to earthquake/floods/cholera/hurricanes. and it certainly is not just another port-of-call on a spring cruise itinerary.

no; haiti is more than all of these things. for me, haiti is a place in my heart in which suffering was met with hope (relevant in the lives of the citizens as well as my own life). haiti is a closed-eye memory, greeted with a perma-grin, and left with salt-stained cheeks and a trail of tears so deep God might just have to call a second Noah. haiti was a season of my life in which the presence of the Lord was so thick, and my relationship was so strengthened and close that not the 80-degree sweaty nights nor the 100 degree-and-feverish days could rip my faith from His faithfulness.

haiti is a vision of a paradoxical paradise, paired with the evil sins and sufferings of hell. juxtaposed within a peripheral view of heart-melting sunsets over the caribbean is the sin of the world washed upon it's shores. its a place in which worth and value are found in extravagant love and relationship, not in what you have. a place in my life in which suffering for the Lord took on new meaning; and the same suffering that brought me to a sweet-spot in my faith, left me crying in surrender on the living room floor of our humble "apartment", begging for the Lord to take the cup. haiti is a dark pace of spiritual strongholds, where demons and voodoo are real and thick as the humidity; yet a place in which i experienced so much true freedom, even within the constraints that we were living. haiti is a place in which i felt the discipline of the Lord and His loving kindness in one fell swoop as He simultaneously bought me to my knees in humility and cradled me in his grace and mercy. haiti is a shooting star, witnessed by only a few lucky ones that happen to be gazing in the right direction at the perfect moment.

i lived in haiti for just 4 months; longer than most people would choose to sacrifice comfort in the name of God's glory, yet not long enough to make me feel like a true-blue missionary. regardless of your perspective on the length of time, i know how those 4 months radically reformed and shaped my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. i returned stateside with a secured sense of His love for me and for His children. i came home with a discipline in seeking Him wholeheartedly. one that was challenged by the freedom from set schedules of corporate worship, intercession, or bible study; yet nonetheless spurring on a passion and longingness for the Lord that only increased my motivation to worship Him in "normal," daily life. haiti brought me back to the cross in a way that felt like rebirth; a sweet, sweet revival in my heart granting fresh hope in His faithfulness and provision.

maybe it is selfish: to think of haiti as how relevant it was to my faith, personally; and not the place of insurmountable devastation that it is made out to be (and rightfully so) in newscasts and mission-trip descriptions in church bulletins. i sincerely gave 4 months of service to a nation that desperately needed it; but what i received back from haiti was far more than 4 months of income or the time i invested seemed to be valued. i came back with no souvenirs; just the radiance of the Lord, the fragrance of His faithful provision, a deep-seeded passion after His face and His kingdom, and a love for a nation that needs love lavished upon them.

i often stand speechless about the things i experienced in my time there. the love, the beauty, the suffering. the relationships and eternal friendships that, unbeknownst to them, have irreversibly shaped my faith and life. the intimacy of the Holy Spirit, the power of the presence of the Most High. the pain of poverty, the devastation of disease, demons and death. yet, the Hope of nations. i've tried to talk about it, but i often find myself alone in my thoughts because its hard to relate to a situation you were not a part of.

it took an earthquake to reduce a nation to rubble, in order for it to grab the attention of the world. it took an earthquake to demolish my old foundations, and call me to a sturdy foundation, rooted in Christ's grace. i am humbled, and left in awe of His power.

haiti is not merely just a 4th-world nation. it is the revelation of God's love and mercy, so strong, that at the smallest memory, i am reduced to tears, prayers, and praise over a time of my life so formidable, that nothing aside from God's glory and blessing can i attribute as to why He chose me to go serve. as Kim prayed for this tiny nation this morning, i became undone. it was as if she was praying for my family, for generations before and after me, for my inheritance. the longer i am home, the more i realize how deeply connected i am with Haiti through the Kingdom of God. this is not a love affair with His creation. it is a partnership, in which the more I gave, the more of Him I received. haiti is not a place, nor a distant memory. haiti is a reminder of God's promises, fulfilled and yet to be seen.