even sitting down to compose this blog, i feel a disconnect. i want to write, i just don't know what about. sort of like i want to lose weight, read, or even identify my emotions, but i just don't know how right now.
to be completely candid, i've been giving it to the Lord in my morning prayer times; times that i've specifically dedicated to praying for a certain missional purpose or some dear heart friends or haiti. i've even so selfishly taken that time i've committed to pray for others, to first pray for myself. to cry out to God and say "help me!" to admit my shortcomings and flaws and failures and grievances. to say to God "i don't know how to do this or fix this without you." because, after all, the sick can not help the sick. i can not help with the specks if there is a log lodged where it doesn't belong. in this case, i don't feel like the splinter is so much in my eye, as it is in my heart; where i feel it the most.
and that's sort of ironic. because i'm having a hard time "feeling" anything. more notably as of lately, happiness and joy. for the sake of sounding like i am 1) 10 years younger in the "emo" goth clique at high school, 2) a woe-is-me, my-life-is-terrible self pitier, or 3) one of those people that seem to talk about how bad they got it, when in reality, they just want your affirmation because they are emotionally void and needy; joy and happiness have been hard to come by as of late. and for no apparent reason. not much has really changed. and when it had, i felt like i was in a place of spiritual fitness in which i had all the right answers and disciplines to handle it.
but now, maybe it is the wear and tear. maybe, i haven't made enough time for "myself" to just "be." maybe there are parts of my life, my heart, still left unsurrendered. i just wish i were able to pinpoint it. to identify exactly where the lack is, and why it is so draining.
spiritually, i feel like i'm doing what i need to to wage the war. giving it over in prayer. trusting the lord. connecting and learning in tuesday night studies and sunday morning services. being vulnerable and transparent with my thursday night girls group. seeking refuge in His peace and word and presence. but still coming up dry. numb. going through the motions, not to hide it, but because i know it to be true, even when i can't feel it.
it's an awkward place for a former-optimist to live.
but if love is a labor, i'll slave to the end.
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