let me see that montu step

i remember the first time i road the montu at busch gardens in tampa. i think i was the summer after 5th grade when it first opened. it was among the first of its kind: with the dropped floor and the rails above your head rather than the traditional cart-style ones. my grandmother road it with me (and i think thats the moment i also vowed to rock pink hair and skydive after i turn 70, but we've got plenty of time to address that).

i remember first sitting down to strap in and wondering just how safe those chest bars really are. i didn't know what to expect. could i slide out? would i throw up my pricy theme-park lunch? would grams vom all over me? i was so nervous; i think my biggest fear was just breaking down in tears and not being able to do anything about it.

aside from my ambition to skydive late in life (i've already conquered that goal), not much has changed. as i sat down before the roller-coaster of these past two weeks, i've felt a lot of the same emotions. i didn't know what to expect; nor do i claim to. would i throw up? i have. have i broken down in tears and not been able to do a thing about it until it passed? you betcha.

but just like the montu, i've learned valuable lessons. the ride is best experienced with your eyes wide open. regardless of how terrified you are, and how tight you hold on, those chest straps, and Jesus, aren't going anywhere. they are stronger and more safe than anything else your hands could grasp. the dips will always make you sick to your stomach, regardless of how experienced of a rider you may become. but when you reach one of the peaks, after a long, tumultuous journey to its crest, the view and clarity are unrivaled. you see beyond just the twists and turns; you realized how small this roller-coaster is from such a height, compared to the park hundreds of feet below your dangling legs. you see things from a different perspective. and you also know, that you're going to wind up right back down at the bottom.

but you'll survive. even through vom and tears, you'll make it off alive. most times, you'll feel exhilarated, empowered. others, you may leave feeling queasy and have to take a rest on a nearby bench. but whatever you do, don't swear off roller-coasters for life.

***

today, was a montu sort of day. i didn't even eat until it was over, for fear i would get sick in the process. it started off slow, with a 10:45 wake-up with Lauren and a little cheese-tastic TV (duh, it's what she does best!). but i started to make the climb up to that big summit in no time, and fell faster than my heart could handle. i released a lot of emotion on the ride, and ended with a really great talk about our spiritual progress and prayers and hang-ups tonight. i find it refreshing and encouraging to recount the ways the Lord has made His presence very real throughout this "situation", and praise the Lord we're not talking about jersey shores. i hope that my alacrity to seek the Lord and learn from each day can inspire and encourage the same motivation in the fatigue that james is already starting to feel. i hope that my mini-milestones help to spark a desire in the search and journey through the faith.

please be praying for the both of us, as the devil will stop at nothing to see-to an armistice of apathy in our battle and journey with the Lord. pray for an awakening of the Holy Spirit inside of us; that truth be revealed, and that a life-long passion be ignited to not just seek, but walk beside, the Lord. I ask that in each moment, be it grief, comfort, understanding, clarity, pain or weakness; that we are able to allow it to bring glory to God.

i think in all my exhaustion, and in spite of the hurt that overwhelmed my heart today, that is the strongest prayer i can pray. and i feel, i know it has the potential to be mighty. i stepped off the ride and into bed tonight; exhilarated and empowered, even in light of something so nerve-wrecking and potentially dangerous. i survived.

sweatshirts are the best kind of kleenex

with tears sliding down my face faster than the ice melting off our tin roofs, i stare at a ceramic plaque hanging in my bathroom that i made a few years back in maggie valley that reads faith. hope. LOVE. and i question why and what that really, truly means.

if the bible teaches us that love is greater than hope and faith even, then i'm left questioning why we aren't allowed to do just that? the bible teaches us that when two or more agree together in prayer, the Lord is in the midst of them (Matthew 18:19). that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and God gave him a helper who is just right for him. that three things are eternal: faith, hope and love; and that the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).

i'll be the first to admit, that love is the greatest feeling i know. but why, right now, does it create the worst pain imaginable?

i see the biblical representation in us presenting our relationship to the lord as our sacrifice, as our offering to him to show our obedience and our commitment to lay anything down for him to pursue His perfect will. i get that. i even somehow have managed to agree with it. but i don't understand why we can't do this together, as one? why our relationship couldn't just continue to glorify the Lord and bring us together in His love?

and we say, its for personal growth. that we can grow obedient and open to God's call on our lives regardless of what an inconvenience that may be some times. but does growth only come from experiencing heart-wrenching pain? am i more apt to hear and seek the Lord when the hurt in my heart is so overwhelming that i can't do anything but sob, or hide the pain away where no one else has to see, experience, or hear about my misery?

there's no use in wallowing in my own self-pity, but when i can't talk about it, i can't cry about it, and i can't hold it in, i have to have a release. and right now, this serves that purpose.

please pray for Godly comfort over the wounds of my flesh. pray that i develop a Proverbs 3:5 mentality in which i can truly trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. we often tend to overlook the following verse: seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

i applaud james in following his conviction in making the immensely difficult decision to adhere to Proverbs 3:6. honestly, a man that loves the Lord and wants to be so totally open to His will is one of the most attractive and heavenly beautiful things one can witness. i'm proud to have loved this man, with such integrity and caliber. and i trust that if we truly trust Him and seek His will, that He will faithfully show us which path to take.