saving the world one dish at a time.

my biggest pet peeve when i was in Haiti was one of odd nature. after meals, each person was responsible for washing their trays and utensils and standing them up to dry for the next meal. it seemed as if every time i got through the wash line, there was a stack of wet dishes and forks laying in stagnant water. disgruntled, i'd re-rinse them, and fit them all into each little slot of the shelf. Many-a-time, i had to breathe deep and tell myself "you can not save the world by doing dishes." what i meant by this was that no one dies if the dishes aren't properly arranged. it doesn't reflect poorly on me if i do or don't take the time to fix everyone's mess at the end of the day. in essence: there is no use wasting my energy getting frustrated or irritated at the assumed lack of care of others.

this concept could go so many ways; even conflicting ones.

i'm just illustrating it because i found myself scrubbing away at the front of our white kitchen cabinets, realizing that i could scrub myself silly and be so peeved when it refused to come off, but when it boiled down to it, no one lives or dies based on the finger smudges on my cabinetry.

alternatively, this is not a post about being lazy, giving up, always picking up after others, being the change you wish to see in the world, or anything else as elaborately profound as those topics. nope, just a tirade against ooey-gooey finger prints and a moment reminisced.

currently on vacay in the mountains of maggie valley, NC! we're sitting at ingles getting internet to check on job postings, etc. (with no such luck) so i just wanted to update and let you know that my hiatus will continue until sunday!

love you all!

xoxo

new!

it has certainly been a while since i've updated. being home (in Nashville) has certainly been both relaxing and exhausting. there have been moments that i have felt so renewed by the presence of the Lord (here and in my life) and so distant from the intimacy that i felt certain times in my time in Haiti. i came back into a strange season; not one that felt like the waiting period i experienced prior to leaving for Haiti, but similar in the nature of waiting, for who knows what's next. it's not a wilderness season, where i am wondering aimlessly, searching for the Lord. it's an odd season of contentment; where the more still i sit, the more i find myself. i've rediscovered (as if it was ever lost) my joy of cooking and entertaining (thank you Jesus for both the passion and the talent!). i've found a simple peace sitting in front of my singer sewing machine, stitching away at a hostess apron, after spending an hour picking out the most complimentary patterns. i've tasted bitter defeat by way of sour-cream-and-chocolate icing, or an icing recipe that calls for a pound and a half of butter (most of which spread out over the cake stand it was so runny!).

spending the past two weeks back in nashville, unemployed-but-eagerly-looking (i prefer to use the term interning as a domestic housewife to unemployed, it sounds much better!), i've realized that, for perhaps the first time in my life, i am doing exactly what it is that i want to do. i'm cleaning. i'm cooking. i'm developing new recipes. i'm finding what i like, what i don't like, what works for me. i'm working out (to help compensate for all the baking). i'm hosting dinner for my friends and roommates, and even wearing my new homemade apron.

it sounds simple. to some, it probably sounds a bore. but to me, it sounds like i am practicing for what i want to do for the rest of my life, and enjoying it. sure, i don't have a job right now, and that's not realistic as a recent college grad with student loans peeking around the corner. but i did just get back from working for 4 months, without a paycheck, because i chose to do both what i love and what God has called me to. so i feel as if this season God has brought me back into is reminding me of the things that i do love and desire for my life, and allowing me to enjoy them, as they were meant to be. this may seem obvious to you, or completely irrelevant. but for me, it's revelatory.

only God knows what is next. and to be honest, only He can orchestrate it. i've done what i could: applications in to 6 counties/districts. applied to 60+ positions (40 of which in metro alone). resumes to principles across the greater Nashville area. even a potential "back-up plan" across the pond if i'm unable to get a teaching job this year. i don't feel careless by saying that God will make the next move; i feel confident in putting my trust in Him to do so. this in-between time, i feel as if He has so precariously detailed for me to relish in, to relish in Him in.

and tomorrow, i leave for vacation. a week with my best friends in the mountains. the mannings, the smiths. shelley, carly, christina, lauren, james, kerry, caleb, and even jackie as of a few minutes ago. no cell service and no internet. high in the low 70s, and lots of drizzly skies. deep conversation, meditation, solitude. i can't wait to sob with the rain, to breathe freedom in with the fresh mountain air. i'm excited to have nothing pressing to-do, nothing taking precedence over just seeking the Lord and sharing in fellowship with my brothers and sisters.

praising God for what He is doing, even just in allowing me the time and freedom to soak in His love and joy. praising Him for being faithful and provisional, even when i have no inkling as to what lies next for me.

i am so eager to share this new journey with you, too.

so in honor of new, i've revamped my blog to include all the new things that the Lord is growing me in (which you'll have the power to choose to read or not read the other avenues). i am expanding my blog to include one on cooking, photography, sewing/creations, teaching/classroom ideas (assuming i get one!), and just every day life. my homepage with be:

www.RhiannonDean07.blogspot.com

and from there, you will be able to navigate via tabs to:
www.RhiannonDean07-food.blogspot.com
www.RhiannonDean07-sew.blogspot.com
www.RhiannonDean07-photo.blogspot.com
and even this blog at: www.RhiannonDean07-Haiti.blogspot.com

and with that said: thank you. Thank you for walking through this journey from start to finish with me. For following faithfully. for your prayers, your encouragement, your support. for your love and the motivation to get through. thank you for all you've generously offered me, and for seeing me through the entire process that was Haiti. i'm both sad and excited to see that chapter in life come to a close. it only means that God has something new in store, and His inventory is definitely the best.

disruption ahead, pack accordingly.

(disclaimer: i'm so frustrated that i just typed out a long, inspired post, only to press publish and to realize, i wasn't connected to the internet. it ate it. i am sad! this second version does not even remotely do it justice!)

if you've ever lived out of a suitcase, you probably agree that it isn't the most comfortable way to enjoy a trip away from (or in my case, to) home. especially when that bag has been precisely packed and weighed, with the smallest yet heaviest items in the carry-on (which has to be small, but doesn't get weighed), and the larger, more fluffy items in the checked bag (the only one you're permitted, might i add; that has a ton of room, but a weight limit you've already exceeded). every item has been folded, rolled, or stuffed in a specific spot not to throw the balance or weight distribution in the slightest. i managed to pack every combination of shirts/shorts/capris and sandals so that each can be mix-matched for their maximum utility and minimum laundry and space consumption. i packed every which way til Sunday. i had meticulously created lists and packed for days before leaving. i thought i had every angle covered: teach. beach. sleep. market. even dress up. what i didn't see coming was that i packed for the four-month forecast of 95 and rainy; and what i've got is a spare week of 50s and wind.

Man's heart plans his steps, but the Lord directs his path (Proverbs 16:9)

i think this serves far more relevance than just packing. i'm talking preparation on a much grander level.

we can plan and organize and pack and prepare 'til our heart's content, but all of that is thrown out that summer window when God's path leads us on a little detour, or even an unexpected adventure. but it doesn't come as a surprise to Him. our plans and His sometimes don't align. Often times, they don't even speak the same language. We think we've got it all covered, but then God throws a curveball by way of a what-if-we're-not-talking-about-Haiti pitch, and we're standing at the plate completely bewildered. we've been preparing for something even in committing our work to the Lord (16:3) and something goes invariably different than expected. He, for whatever reason, can, and often will, change our weather-- or thoughts, beliefs, actions, opportunity, or situation-- and we are left deciding how to respond.

we can choose to just not go outside in the unseasonably cool florida winter, or we can outfit ourselves using what we've planned, prepared for, or packed. so, i've learned to improvise. no one hardly noticed that i re-wore my teal g. harv. shirt today when its out-at-sea silhouette was hidden underneath my staple navy cardigan, which was also a re-wear ... along with the only pair of jeans i've brought. okay, so i've worn that long, flowy, red jersey dress two days in a row. its called, versatility. i've learned that the jeans may not be the trendiest way, but they are faithful and i know they will cut the chill. and simple staple tee's can be layered with truth and faithfulness, wrapped in an open-mind and flexibility.

above all, the Lord is faithful. even when we feel that we've packed for the wrong weather, we are able to see that even through the (ill-fit) planning, he prepared us with the know-how to mix-and-match to make it work. afterall, he's not going to lead us into snow in flip-flops alone.

all that i can say

so my last post is a song, by the david crowder band called all that i can say. its a simple song, that really spoke to me during my waiting period. i wish i would've posted it then because the emotion tied to it would've been so much stronger.

Lord i'm tired,

so tired of walking

and Lord, i'm so alone

Lord the dark

is creepin' in

creeping up to swallow me

i think i'll stop and rest here a while

this is all that i can say right now

and this is all that i can give

and this is all that i can say right now

and this is all that i can give

thats my everything

and didn't you see me crying,

and didn't you hear me call Your name?

wasn't it You i gave my heart to?

wish You'd remember where you set it down

and this is all, this is all that i can say right now

i know it's not much

but this is all that i can give

and thats my everything

this is all that i can say right now,

right now, i know it's not much

this is all that i can give,

yeah thats my everything.

i didn't notice you standing there

i didn't know that was You holding me

i didn't notice You were crying too

i didn't know that was You washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now

i know its not much

and this is all that i can give

yeah thats my everything

this is all that i can say right now;

right now, i know its not much

this is all that i can give,

yeah thats my everything.

***

i love the progression of this song. i love the hurt and weariness that you can hear. walking with the Lord, especially in times of pain and loss and uncertainty, is hard; fatiguing. there were some days, i would just bawl to the Lord and say, this is all i have to offer, please accept it. and just fall asleep on the lap of the Lord crying.

looking back, i feel like i'm at the end of the song singing that last verse. that i didn't notice that in the stillness, God was right there, rocking me to sleep, sharing in my tears. i love that image of such a comforting Father. He doesn't like to see his children hurt or suffer heartbreak or struggle or feel broken. but, in that He is able to teach us so much if we're only willing to submit to Him and listen.

everyday we face heartbreak and struggles and pain and brokenness. but what can we take from it? how can we bring glory to God through it if we refuse to learn from it? if it becomes just about making ourselves feel better then we're off chasing the next fleeting happiness. but if in our times of pain, we look and seek the Lord's face, we'll recognize that he is with us through that time. crying with us. loving us. showing us that with Him, our strength is unrivaled, and we truly can do anything through Christ.

and that is all that i can say.

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seeing the forest through the trees

hi friends. i feel like i've been lacking on keeping up with my blog this week! there has just been SO much going on! and also, i've started a blog that is specifically haiti only, so make sure you check that out too. you can find it here. i wanted to sort of keep these two blogs separate; as this one is a little more personal, and i couldn't imagine all of my family catching up on my month-'o-misery and asking me all sorts of questions. but all of you are okay :)

i can't say it enough, how blessed i have been by your generosity and encouragement. so thank you thank you thank you! your kind words have meant the world to me. thank you for backing me through this and letting me talk your ear off about it, and for sharing in my excitement and for praying for me.

***

now for a little less-haiti post.

***

even though i went to church last night at fellowship bible, i still felt it really important to go to my new church this morning. it has been a while since i last went between the holidays, snowed in days, and not up-to-par days. so i've really been craving it.

at the village chapel we read through books of the Bible, and since i've been attending in October, we've been reading our way through the book of Acts. in today's message, pastor jim stressed how the book of acts is a historical narrative, so we must not mistake it for prose or prophecy. i love how he gives us so much background, cross-check factual information. it makes the history part of it so much easier for me to process. in our dissection of Acts 25, he said he really had a hard time coming up with the bible study portion of it. the entire chapter does not even mention God. it only mentions Jesus, once, in passing reference to him as the dead guy.

so the first-third of pastor jims message was on God's Providence in His apparent absence (paraphrase, my own; my scripture notes are in the car; its raining and i'm in bed. they will stay in the car). after noting biblical instances in where God's absence was real, we went through a plethora of Psalms, in which the authors were crying out for God's presence within their waiting time.

i could feel the pain and the hurt in their cries. i just endured that. i know exactly what they were feeling. leaning on the Lord for patience and trying to learn His purpose in their standstill. i've never felt so sympathetic to the one writing the scriptures before. but, at the same time, i felt like my cries this month have mimicked them, that i could've been equally responsible for writing them.

after psalms, pastor jim displayed a quote from jon bloom, a well-known christian theologian. what i love about TVC is that everything is cross-referenced. whether it be scripture with other historical accounts, or even theology versus intellectuals; they always give more depth through dimension. (side-note; offering a two-part class this week and next on the intersection of faith and reason. i so wish james could be here to see that as i feel like its right up his alley! ah i love that this church values the bible as the word of God and us as the creation of God! i seriously can't get over how much truth, and even how much reason is reflected within that truth; but all of that is an entire different post; just saying, i love my church!)

okay; where was i? pre-tangent? ... oh yes. jon bloom. from his desiring God, bloom writes:

In following Jesus there are seasons of bewildering intensity and seasons of bewildering waiting. He does not want us to panic during either. Jesus is in control of both. When you don’t understand him, trust in his promises. And when you’re not sure what to do next, do the next thing.

i wish i had had a crash course in this bloom-ology prior to going through my season of bewildering waiting. it would've been great prep to know that i'm not the only one, i shouldn't panic. God's in control, i just need to trust his promises and keep moving. even if i just have had a warning that flashed "now entering a season of bewildering waiting," i feel like i wouldve been much better off. especially coming down off the the bullet-train that was last semester, it was both the last thing i had expected and the last thing i had prepared for. i did not know how to deal with the waiting period, but God led me through it. and quite magnificently, i might add.

i know i may not necessarily be out of the woods yet, by any means. but i can see more than just the trees. at church today, i felt as if the short message about the waiting period was a summary of what life has been like for the last month and a half. and at that point it dawned on me, that i think i came out, and i know i'm alive. i felt as if that was a period i'm no longer in, that i was able to look back on. i don't know how i managed to emerge, except for the strength and direction of the Lord and the encouragement he's put in those surrounding me. does it mean that the hurt is gone? not at all. does it mean that its going to be easy? nope. does it mean i wouldn't be happy or even under God's will with a job teaching kindergarten at crieve hall, an amazing boyfriend, and thoughts of a wonderful future, living life as the way i thought it was to be? absolutely not.

but God had a different plan and a different purpose. and that required wait. it required patience. and it required preparation. of my heart, of His plans, of my ability to align my will with His. this is the beginning of a journey that will last through the next four months, but the longevity of the implications, learned even in just this waiting time, will remain with me long after i return to nashville at the end of june.

so i encourage you. read back on the beginning of this blog, and feel the hurt. its not gone, but i'm able to separate it from how i am to keep living to bring the most glory to the Lord. i cry for the first time in a few days just writing this even, so i can't claim that i'm going to be pain-free. in fact, i know that my mind is preoccupied with this final week of nashville and taking care of details that its able to overlook that pain. but the pain and the loss and the emptiness and loneliness and confusion and longing; they will all return with a vengeance when i get to haiti and things settle down and culture shock catches up with me. but i think that God has prepared me for that. i think all of this has prepared me to seek him in my hurt. to know that through my trials, i am able to bring him glory; possibly more than through my successes.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. --Romans 5:1-5