taking the the long way home.

sleet.

2012-02-13T22:06:00.001-06:00

i let out a giant, defeated sigh and threw my things down. that's how i felt; defeated, deflated, and exhausted. the last thing i wanted to do was walk my dog in the freezing rain.

i walked onto the porch, already fully saturated from this evening mixed precip, and sabby followed.

the stars aren't out again tonight, God. but please, please show me some of you. i need to hear from you.

sabby edged his way towards the step, but the cold, wet ground caused enough trepidation he decided to stay where it wasn't sleeting. with the freezing rain quite apropos for my internal state, i walked out into the middle of the sidewalk, and called sabby down the steps.

he paced hesitantly as his master called. he wanted to obey, but he was scared. he knew it was wet and cold and unfamiliar. it was less than ideal for him. but his master called. and his master loves him. and his master would never lead him to leave him where he doesn't belong.

the hesitancy wasn't because he didn't love his master. the hesitancy wasn't because he didn't want to obey. he was scared, it was scary. it didn't look like it was supposed to look.

but he came anyway. because he loves me.

the rain drops on my cheeks were the perfect facade for the tears to hide behind. only the subtle juxtaposition of warm and cold, fresh and salty allowed me to recognize the difference in the two.

don't you see, Rhiannon? I'm still calling you. yes, it's cold and wet, and doesn't look a whole lot like what you envisioned, but I am still calling. to you. and I will not leave you. I love you.

i'm wretched at times, i know it. with a flip of a switch, all my concerted efforts to simply trust are thrust into a ugly flail in which i just try to wind up on my feet.

just wind up at My feet.

see? He really is too good. He is always faithful, even when I am faithless and wretched and unworthy of a Savior.

i am unworthy, true. but, He came, anyway. because He loves me.

looking up.

2012-02-08T00:15:00.000-06:00

like most nights, i took my dog out before i got ready for bed tonight. and every night, as i walk from my door down my front steps to our yard, i find myself looking up at the shadowy branches of the tall, bare oaks in our front yard.

it's become almost my goodnight tradition with the Lord. no matter the day i've had, looking up at the twilight twinkle against the deep sapphire sky, with a mess of intertwined silhouettes in the foreground brings me to a moment of tranquility as i am lost in the simple beauty of our Creator.

but tonight, i looked up and saw that it was merely light grey meshed behind the mess of barren outlines. no stars could be seen.

do you see think that I am still beautiful? asked the Lord.

you do know that the stars are still there, don't you? they still shine, even when all you see is grey. when what you see is plain, or even dreary, beauty is still present. it may be covered in tarnish, but it is never absent. I am always there for you, just like the stars. I am faithful to complete the work I've begun. I will not ever leave you. look for me when the clouds abound and your day is drab. cry out to Me and know that I honor your honest prayers of desperation.

even in your hopelessness, you've come to the right place; you're still looking up. it may not look like what it does on any given, beautiful night, but your eyes are still looking up to lock with mine.

i think i hear the Lord say that He is pleased. He knows I'm fatigued in the flesh and in the spirit. He knows still that my eyes look towards the heavens, that my true peace is found in His beauty, and that that is revealed in the most menial of things like dying trees and dismal skies.

voyageur.

2012-02-05T23:22:00.000-06:00

i'm getting that feeling again.

the one that starts with an unscratchable itch on my feet, and works its way up to a burn in my heart and a pit in my throat.

i can't place it, but it's as magnetic and effortless as my draw to jesus. it's as if He is calling, and i can't even hear it, but just like the tides, i ebb towards His shore.

i peruse career listings for organizations both highly-esteemed and greatly impactful, at job opportunities as rare and coveted as that blue hope diamond from titanic. that flame under my heart in the fire pit of my stomach catches a new breeze and grows, fanning outward, making my cheeks hot.

to go, to serve, to live the life i have imagined as thoreau once challenged me; i yearn for these things, as if i know what i am missing. as if i've tasted and seen and long for what once was, although it never has been.

maybe that is why it is called wanderlust; there's an invisible draw to the unknown. perhaps a chemical attraction to a life i have only imagined, the way a woman is attracted to a man she does not know, only to have the attraction fade with the mystery when things become familiar and life is once again mundane.

there's little purpose behind the prose; just verbose snip-its of my mind as i try to sort through the ash and embers left behind under my heart.

"how to be a hipster," or as i less-affectionally call it, "the birth of a wannabe"

2012-02-04T15:03:00.001-06:00

i woke up this morning and decided. this would be the day.

this would be the day i become a hipster. if only for temporary. if only for a few hours, never to return to the taste of indie-bliss, no matter how tantalizing it may appear once i'm on the inner circle of trINDIEness.

it's a rainy day in nashville. and these kinds of saturdays make me want to have a week, or more, to pursue nothing but consuming and creating, reading and writing about the Lord, and speaking not a word because i'm finally around no one beside myself and jesus. don't get me wrong: i love people. i adore my friends and am eternally grateful for their presence in my life. but we all need time to unplug. away from 5 days in the throws of 16 five-year-olds. i spend monday and friday enjoying time with friends. i spend tuesday and thursday and sundays praying and worshiping corporately, and i spend wednesday and thursdays with a million people at the gym. so, as much as i can make it happen, i love to spend saturdays alone with my thoughts and words. that sort of makes me a recluse. and an artist. hipsters are usually both. so, today, i'll be a hipster.

here's my 3 step plan to becoming a hipster. take into consideration, i am not a hipster. even if you happen to see me typing away on my mac, with my bible and coffee and organic jute tote parked in the corner of this coffee shop and think to yourself, wow, that girl. she's a total hipster. i wish i was as trendy as her. take heart, it's easy to fake! i'll detail just how, and i'll even throw in a few of my own mistakes so you don't have to learn from your own.

step one: look the part. for starters, don't shower. in fact, to cover up for the fact, just dump an obscene amount of baby powder in your hair. even if i did this to look 100 yesterday, it totally had its perks in launching me into the hipster-scene. then, dress ironically. meaning, put time into looking like you didn't put time into getting ready. you could wear your american apparel deep-v (oversized for girls, undersized for guys). or you could even wear your electric-blue-sheen painted-on american apparel leggings, but i just decided to put on my dark skinnies, an oversized striped sweater shirt and my slightly masculine boots. the hair is also key: again, try hard to look like you didn't try. i braided my unbrushed hair in a pulled-back side braid, and a longer, piecy, falling-out fishtale. i even put on mascara. i haven't decided if thats against the rules or not. maybe hipster chicks just have really great lashes.

step two: find a coffee shop. this was a tricky one for me, because although i was looking to pull off hipster, i was also looking to cozy up at a local place to get some work done. its also highly tricky that i don't drink coffee. but, perhaps even before i decided to try-on hipster for size, i decided that today will be the day i become a coffee drinker. i would recommend not taking on too many new-you's in one day. i should've thought this out a little more fully.

i drove past starbucks and thought, i just can't do it. i wanted local. so i drove back to dose, a neighborhood coffee shop a few minutes from my house. i walked in and there was not a free space anywhere. people were even sitting at the tables outside. its raining, and maybe i'm not hardcore enough, but i got back in my car realizing i would have to rethink my plan. plus, there were far too many unkempt, deep-v's for my own comfort level.

maybe you should choose a more trendy, local, fair-trade coffee place. baby steps are key. do with what you are comfortable with because that's key to the next step.

step three: act like you know what you're doing. hipsters are cool because they are so confident. they know they look terrible, and yet, they do it anyway. in spite of you and your ironed, non-plaid blouse that fits. they don't need grooming etiquette, and they lift their nose to anything that might suggest otherwise.

so when you order, act like you know what you're doing. but don't stare at the menu like you don't know what you are doing. instead, wait at the bathroom door and glance at it, trying to decide what you want. this may be more to the non-coffee drinking crowd like me than to the hipster-wanna-be's, but it's equally important.

venti? how is that pronounced? which syllable is emphasized? vent-EE or ven-TI? or is it one of those silent t's? how big is that anyway? for $4.65, do i get to keep the mug? what does blonde roast mean? dark? skinny cafe mocha latte? i like the word skinny. and it doesn't say coffee in it. i'll take that. add hazelnut. maybe it will make it taste more like nutella.

that was my thought process, folks. but on the outside, you couldn't read it. calm. as. a. cucumber. i walked up to the register behind the tall, deep-v and ordered. "tall-skinny-cafe-mocha-latte, add-hazelnut, please." phew. success. she didn't even question it. i pulled it off.

what i didn't pull off was waiting for my coffee at the counter. did you know it takes, like, at least 5 minutes to get your drink? why the wait? do they grind their own beans for each order? maybe it's the love behind each cup. then i started to wonder, what did i order? what if they call it out and i don't remember? they didn't even ask my name. oh, disaster...

i found a table and began to unpack. note: bring a jacket. or a parka. or books to study. but definitely bring your iPhone. and your Mac. and earbuds are a must. can't give off the impression that you would be willing to listen to anyone, should they actually happen to talk. but if you are feeling less-hipster, and more-anti-social, bring the full-fledged brookstone noise-cancelling headphones. 3 of 5 starbucks-go'ers agree!

they called my tall-skinny-hazelnut-mocha (dang it, i should've phrased it that way!) and i sat down to instagram a pic of my monumental moment.

you know what? it didn't taste all that bad. but neither does a diet coke, and i could have three for the price of this coffee, plus free-refills. that's besides the point. i'm officially drinking coffee, one-step closer to hipstardom.

a few words to make thee wiser:
latte must be the italian equivalent of the french, lait. which, in english means milk. avoid if you can not handle dairy, and have been dairy-free completely for the better part of a month, and milk-free for the better part of your life. i feel like i could vom at any given moment, and my stomach seems to be cramping up in disdain for my choice (milk or hipster? you decide).

again, bring a jacket. i'm freezing. why is your a/c on? it's 53 outside.

starbucks is the least-hipster of coffeeshops. it experienced it's rise probably a decade ago, and indie, organic, and local-blend coffeehouses (at least in Nashville) take in a predominance of the hipster crowd, sort of like the SPCA.

all of this was written in jest. i'm not a hipsterphile, nor do i really detest their existence. that said, i don't really claim to be an expert, or an aspiring follower of the movement. i may not be a fan of consistent hair-washing, but i prefer it 9 out of 10 days to at least look well-coifed and maintained. i'm solely at the mercy of a creative-spell, and my writing lately has lost the irony and wittiness it once at least imagined that it conveyed.

so, how did you become a coffee drinker? was it love at first sip? or is it like a fine wine or seasonal-brew in which you must acquire a taste? was it the caffeine that drew you in, or the taste of stale, charred coffee beans? where do i go from here? as almost-tastey as my tres-cher hazelnut-mocha-latte was, i can't go back to a milky-base. what's the next step, launching me into full-fledge fan?

fast to the finish

2012-01-31T15:08:00.000-06:00

i have learned a lot in the past 20 days.

avocados have 30 grams of fat.
we made guac one night from 10 avocados. you do the math.
black beans taste good on black beans with a side of black beans.
it is possible to go through a container of cocoa powder. by yourself. on a fast.
i tend to like the worst foods to still be considered healthy:

avocados
potatoes
carrots
corn
coconut milk
tortillas
bananas
peanut butter
baked corn chips and guac

i swear, even on a fast/diet, i can gain weight.
eating better has not helped me wake up with more energy, but it has helped me feel more awake once i'm actually able to get up.
no amount of good-for-you-food can give you enough energy to replace the need for naps.
i could eat an avocado, or i could eat at mcdonald's for a less-fat option.
cooking can be fun.
my recipe repertoire was far too limited!
dishwashers are of God, yet dishes by hands is the Catholic way of earning my way to heaven. (was that wrong?)
bananas are better brown, kiwis are best slightly soft, and there is no easy way to cut a mango.
banana-based faux-fro-yo and milkshakes are not only tasty, but there's not after-consumption tummy ache.
i'm doing pretty fine without meat.
i like dates. who knew?
if you tell me no sugar, i will find every fruit on this earth to substitute (read: dates; pretty sure its God's original version of candy).
eating a batch of fudge-babies by yourself still is as bad as eating a batch of brownies (calorically speaking, even if its made out of "all natural" and "healthy" foods).
so sue me.
egg rolls are vegan! and de-freaking-licious!
quinoa and black bean burgers? i'm running a close second to Burger Up's $11 version.
6 people can make, and consume 25 egg rolls. for the third time in a week.
you CAN cook a good DF meal for those not on the fast, AND they will actually like it!
you CAN say no to little debbie brownies. and free diet coke and popcorn.

i knew that the Lord was asking me to do this fast in agreement with the words "simple," "healthy," and "adventure," that He spoke over me for 2012. it has been just that. i can not explain how full (both spiritually and physically!) i've been over the past 20 days.

it began as a challenge. not only did i have to conquer a caffeine dependency and temptation of food, i had to overcome a bad attitude and bitterness that set in the first weekend when i was totally 'over-it,' and ready to give up. it's funny; i was frustrated because i didn't see how this embodied simplify at all. i was spending more time, and money, at the grocery than ever before. i was spending so much time prepping the food that i barely had time to even eat it!. but once God told me i was missing the point, something changed. my schedule somehow managed to simplify. i was able to come home, to nap, to go to the gym, and prepare dinner-- all in one school night. i was spending more time in the kitchen and at the store, often making as many as 3 trips to different stores in a day, or hitting the grocery no less than 5 times in a week; yet, somehow, I had the time to actually do it. perhaps even more miraculous, i found the joy to actually do that.

i find myself innately checking the labels on anything and everything, even the things you would assume to be 'safe' items. my stomach is feeling much better after meals. unless they involved cabbage. or black beans. which is like, every meal. then let's just say you shouldn't get too close. but i do feel healthier. not as lugging along sluggishly. my attitude has been much better, and the Lord has restored a joy in my heart for cooking and taking on challenging adventures in the kitchen! theres been a love and appreciation for the natural, for good-tasting food without additives or preservatives. excitement in the surprise that something unassuming actually tastes good! i guess i shouldn't be surprised; rather, that i should just start cooking everything in the ways it would taste best!

i'll take a lot away, mainly, thankfulness for the sacrifice of obedience i was able to walk in. wait, what? i am thankful that God had me fast some of my favorite, once-unnegotiable foods and pleasures? I am thankful He asked me to sacrifice? absolutely. you wouldn't have known it that first weekend, and neither would i. i was bitter, and angry, and didn't even want to continue it. and now, here at the end, i sit thankful and amazed at what God did through the midst of my obedience. it's amazing what He will call us into, and walk us through, when all we do is respond with a heart of obedience. with Him, i am reminded, that all things are possible.

even three weeks without dessert or diet coke.

rotten.

2012-01-30T22:03:00.001-06:00

i'm not sure where the tears came from, but i'm thankful they've finally come.

it's been almost a week that i've wanted to cry, but much like an impenetrable fortress, they just couldn't break through the first layer.

God is so, so good. and the harder i look at my heart in a hypothetical mirror, the more and more rotten it looks. and not the good rotten, like how a brown banana tastes much sweeter. but rather, the cold, stale, molding bowl of boiled peanuts i cringed and gagged at as i cleaned out the crock pot.

in brainstorming ways to bless a friend earlier, i had to keep telling that rotten part of my heart to tell my pride and ego to sit the eff down. rotten.

i considered blessing beyond my means. but i carefully, logically, calculated an amount that "wouldn't hurt" me to give. rotten.

i considered again blessing beyond my means, and how to do so "humbly," but also, still be recognized for it. rotten.

and i get home, only to have my sister call and tell me that she found that exact amount in a christmas card i left behind in florida; one i didn't even know had money in it. again, God is good; and i, you see, i am rotten.

God takes care of the birds and the fields, and i'm worried that He won't take care of me, when in essence, He already knew and already had. all i had to do was release what was never mine to begin with, and He was already there with something i never realized was (also never) mine to begin with.

Lord, i repent of my greed and selfishness. of not being the woman that contributed her last two coins, giving until she felt it in her need. of considering giving for the wrong reasons. of being selfish with what i have. of not trusting you to provide in my lack. Lord, i thank you that you see this rotten mess that i am, and you love me in spite of it, and out of it. thank you for wiping this heart free of the dirt and mold and showing me what it should look like, how it should resemble Yours.

sacrifice.

2012-01-22T00:16:00.003-06:00

sac・ri・fice [sak-ruh-fahys]
the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

***

last night, i was dreaming of this sunday. literally. i dreamt about bacon. and that i went into a bar and had a beer (random), and greasy bar food like chicken strips. it's true. i've been drooling over the thought of all the deliciousness i was going to eat come sunday evening, and the end of my 10-day Daniel Fast. the thought of an ice-cold diet coke sounded so good, that i even ordered one in my dream to accompany my beer.

i made it. i've finally made it to the end of this journey, i've thought to myself.

but something didn't just feel right.

even though my friends in our Tues. night fellowship were all doing the full 21 day fast, i had decided to do just a 10-day food fast, and giving up a few additional things for the duration of the three weeks as a way to signify simple and healthy (2012 words!). but as i near the end of the fast, some itty-bitty voice from deep within was telling me to keep going (read: the Holy Spirit. duh. doesn't take an ordained minister to figure that one out).

as i thought about it, i know that i came up with 10 days very logically, and even knew i had done the raw foods diet (very similar) for 10 days. i knew that i could do this. i could do 10 days. but 21, only God could do that.

so, I'm gonna let him. I'm going to continue to fast for the duration of the time, and still make good on my other sacrifices to Him. i'm excited. i feel like this is still more of the adventure that he's promised me this year would be.

what i gave Him as a sacrifice was enough; it was honorable, and a real good place to start from. but the place i'm at now, even just 10 days later, i know He desires even more of me. more than just something i can do. so, here goes nothing! another 11 days! we've got this, Jesus!

in all honesty, i feel like i have come full circle in my outlook on this fast in just the past week. last weekend, i was totally embittered by the inconvenience and the lack of indulgences. but every day, i'm finding excitement in new recipes, the time to cook, and even have found myself dancing down the aisles of the international market to Brittany Spears in eagerness and excitement. God has worked so much on my outlook about laying things down for Him, about putting too much dependence on certain foods, and about treating my body as a temple in which He resides.

only by His grace and mercy can i continue evading temptation by once enslaving foods or finding joy in the monotonous process of preparing all my meals and snacks for each day. but He is so much more worth a box of brownies or a can of diet soda. He really is using this to rewire my tastebuds to be more of what He created them to be.

so Lord, i sacrifice. I surrender. my body, my palate, even my passion for baking. i surrender in pursuit of more of you. of reliance on your strength instead of caffeine, of knowing that you truly are my portion. that in my physical hunger, i am reminded of the imperativeness of spiritual hunger.

we serve such a loving Father. He truly wants the best for us, and the more we are willing to hand over to Him, the more blessings He will be able to grant us through the journey.

simple saturday shenanigans.

2012-01-21T23:49:00.003-06:00

today was exactly what every saturday should be composed of. sleeping in, smoothies, catching up over Skype with friends across the seas. starting week 3 of our running plan. grocery shopping for hours, leisurely surveying each unique aisle at the international market. searching the world over for coconut butter. creating my own recipes for black bean tortillas, and totally owning it (they are soft AND tasty!). sharing my culinary delights with good friends. spending time in the serenity of jesus' arms.

it has been a good day. the Lord is so sweet on His sabbath. rest in Him.

do you believe?

2012-01-18T22:48:00.001-06:00

admittedly, i got home last night at a quarter 'til midnight, physically and emotionally exhausted after a long night of prayer, worship, study and fellowship at our tuesday night group. rehashing my prayers and burdens to the Lord, i heard Him softly whisper:

do you believe that I am the God of the Bible?

Well, yeah. of course.

Alright then.

boom. roasted. He didn't even have to say anything else. i knew what he meant. here i was, casting the same cares on Him that i casted 45 minutes ago, and three hours, and yesterday, and ... you get the point. here i was worried and doubting and mistrusting His ability to save and redeem. all it took was a gentle reminder from Him of His power recounted through the Word. Creator. humble servant. sacrifice. resurrected. He is a God of the impossible.

if i believe He is truly the God of the Bible, then my worries are nothing compared to His power and might. the desperate situations are minute compared to His ability to save.

rest and repentance.

2012-01-16T13:20:00.003-06:00

God has shown me those two things in huge doses over the past few days; rest and repentance.

fortunately, we had a snow day on friday, and with today off for MLK, Jr. day, my weekend had doubled in size. apparently, my sleep patterns had too. at one point early in the weekend, I had counted 25 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period... just 5 hours before going to bed again! all i know, was that my body, mind, and spirit has desperately needed the rest, and He is faithful to provide. aside from a babysitting gig, helping a friend lead sunday school, and two church services, i have hardly done anything outside of my house, (or outside of making food and doing dishes, but i digress). truth be told, i'm still in my pi's and it's 1 p.m.! granted i am gym-bound and then to the grocery, and i have spent the morning reading, worshiping, praying, and making the world's best smoothie (1/2 a mango, 1 whole ripe banana, 3/4 cup (or-so) of pineapple in its own juice, and some ice (sonic ice is the best!). blend and enjoy. thank me later).

God has also been teaching me a lot about obedience (which is how we will segue into repentance, in case the post seemed a little non-sequitar). yesterday at church, i walked past the nursery and thought, hmm. i should check to see if they need any extra volunteers today. i quickly talked myself out of it because i haven't had a service in a while in which i wasn't serving in one capacity or another and thought it just might be nice to really participate in the heart of our worship service. so i kept walking, and told myself if they made an announcement, i would come volunteer.

well what do you know? they announced they needed 2 volunteers ... i lean down to grab my bag and my water bottle ... for the 2- and 3-year-olds. i put my stuff right back down under my seat. i didn't really want to deal with the crazy two's and three's this morning. quickly, two other volunteers stood, and i breathed a sigh of relief. for about 5 seconds, before i realized how terribly selfish i was.

twice, i disobeyed God. in a span of maybe 5 minutes. there was no rooster to remind me of how i denied jesus, just the conviction in my heart that left me feeling so sad and selfish. he prompted me to check on a need before anyone even knew there was one, and i kept walking. then, he asked me to fill it, and i hesitated.

i'm thankful God is a God of second (or third, or seventy-seven) chances, but that doesn't mean i get to choose when i should obey Him or listen to His promptings. for so long, i've been asking to hear His voice, to know that He is indeed speaking to me. and the times He does, i don't respond in a way that glorifies Him. it's no wonder why we question if He is speaking; because when He is we either tune Him out, or we choose ourselves over Him anyway. my heart is so repentant over my disobedience, but ~~maybe~~ fortunately, He is gracious enough to use this as a lesson to teach me about just how much He is speaking, if I would only care to listen and respond.

missing the point.

2012-01-15T00:48:00.000-06:00

"you're missing the point," He said to me, through a myriad of frustrations.

you see, i knew it was Him. amidst all the grumbling and negativity going on in my head as i debated whether or not to just throw the crummy rolling pin against the wall, His words countered every emotion i was feeling.

"you're missing the point."

ugh. you're right God. i know that i am. i just don't quite know how to get the point.

you see, i thought this fast would be easy. i've done it before for health reasons; it should be a cake-walk knowing He is on my side. but after spending hours preparing--not even cooking-- food, this whole idea of fasting as a way to "simplify" my life seemed, well, far more complex than eating just about anything sitting in my pantry that i've mentally, temporarily, placed in quarantine.

so if it was going to be so easy, why was i on the verge of tears, barking my frustrations out at God? why did this sacrifice for simplicity take so much more work and time and complicate the process further, reducing it to something that happened to be very-not-simple?

because i was missing the point.

simplifying isn't always about making life easier. it's not about comfort. it's certainly not about me being in control. perhaps, even more-so about being content when i'm not in control.

this fast isn't about me. its about Him. its about joyfully spending an hour to make 12 tortillas when i could've bought a pack that is readily available in substantially less time with far less frustrations. (no bitterness, i promise). it's about taking care of the temple he has entrusted me with, by concerning myself with what goes in it. it's a way of illustrating, if only minutely, His sacrifice of life for me.

water is a simple, basic, necessity for life. but some have to walk 6 miles to get it. there is nothing simple or easy or convenient about that. in a way, the inconvenience of this fast exists to remind me of how grateful i should be that i've been afforded the opportunity to have practically anything i want at my finger tips.

above all, this is about honoring the Lord. my thoughts of frustrations and selfishness were far from honoring today. i pray tomorrow i would come more meekly, eager to lay my self at the foot of His throne and hand over my expectations and self-declared rights. its about making a commitment to serve Him, and following through no matter how difficult it may seem.

it may have not been what i wanted to hear, but i did hear the Lord speak today, and fasting is a good way to have clarity in what He is saying. praying that tomorrow, what He has to say won't need to be correction. maybe by then, i'll get the point.

simple living.

2012-01-11T23:12:00.001-06:00

when praying over the near year, and reflecting over the old, i'm fairly certain i heard the Lord speak that 2012 would be an adventure, in every sense of the word, but first and foremost, an adventure with Him.

i also heard the words simplify, healthy, and finish (more on that here). i had a general idea as to how those would each flesh out in my day-to-day routine of work, spiritual journey and relationships. but when i got the email from one of our fellowship facilitators that suggested we all join together and do a 21-day fast, i both a) didn't see that as a part of 2012, and b) felt conviction as all four words seemed to be emblazoned literally and figuratively within that email.

the reading i've done to familiarize myself with fasting, both scriptural and informational, combined with seeking God's desire and my own sacrifice, I think I've managed to whittle down the bones of this commitment. i'm also familiar enough with the scripture to know that we are neither to boast of our fasting, nor throw ourselves a pity-party for publicity sake. because of that, i feel strongly convicted to not post about it on Facebook or twitter, but the intimacy and honesty i've invested into this blog, i think it would be limiting to not include it or feel the vulnerability to share in this one place i storehouse my thoughts.

when i read the email, i paid careful attention to the wording. simplify. healthy. no choice foods. i knew immediately that i should give up eating out and grabbing fast-food (even the healthy stuff) to-go. it fully aligned with what God had spoken over this year for me, and to not concede with that, I knew, would be walking in disobedience.

initially, i debated even doing a food-based fast. in the past, i have struggled privately with food issues, and i know that the thought of a fast for spiritual purposes can easily be manipulated into an ulterior motive of losing weight or beginning to focus and obsess on the outward appearance. but praise Him; for i truly feel he has walked me safely and victoriously out of that struggle and walking firm with a healthy self-image and image about food and fitness! because of that, i feel the freedom and boldness to walk through this adventure of health and simplifying!

since reviewing the suggestions of the 21-day fast, and reading scripture referencing fasting, i've decided to do sort of a hybrid fast (is that even allowed?). In Daniel 1, Daniel requests to abstain from the King's choice foods and wine, requesting water and vegetables in their stead. He asks to be tested for 10 days with this dietary choice, and then be observed. He looked far better in appearance and nourishment than those eating the King's choice foods. i know elsewhere in Daniel 9, it talks about his fast of mourning for 3 weeks, but after seeking the Lord on it, I feel like the Daniel fast should be a 10-day dietary fast for me, but that He is still seeking a 3-week period of sacrifice. so for the duration of the 3 weeks, I will be abstaining from going to restaurants or take-out places, and also from making any purchases. i believe both of these to be aligned with simplify as God spoke that over this year for me, as well as the vision for this corporate fast.

of course, i will still have bills to pay, and gas and groceries to buy, and I think that the Lord honors those things; but those new tennis shoes or that book i've been wanting to read will have to wait. i even felt as if i wasn't supposed to purchase items for my classroom or lesson plans that weren't of absolute need or necessity (probably a good thing in the long run!).

i delineate all of this for a couple of reasons: first, so i have a clear idea of what i'm doing. it's easy to finagle your way out of something you never vocally committed to. secondly, to seek accountability, even if it is only perceived by me putting it out there. thirdly, to encourage you to walk in some sort of consecration for the remainder of january as well! lastly, i think that the enemy loves when he is able to get us to pervert something the Lord intended as good and as a way to glorify Him, into removing the focus from Him and giving us an object of obsession. for that reason, i seek your prayers as i declare God's strength and sovereignty as more than enough to get me through this fast without losing sight of the purpose or becoming unhealthily obsessed with food, either the presence or absence of it in my daily routine.

God, you called me on an adventure this year, and I love that this is how we are going to begin. I pray I hear your voice clearly, that your strength is made righteous in my weakness, and that my sacrifice is pleasing to you. I am so excited for this adventure, and I couldn't be more thankful that you have called my name. Amen.

***

also, i am planning a partial fast (liquids only) from 6-3 tomorrow in remembrance of the earthquake that devastated haiti 2 years ago tomorrow. i know what a tremendous impact this event had on my life, heart, and spiritual journey, and although i am thankful for the doors it opened, i grieve the loss of life and the mass devastation that has yet to be rectified. in lieu of eating throughout the day, i want to spend that time praying for the nation of haiti. even if you don't decide to fast, please take a moment to intercede on this nation. they have suffered so much, but their joy is resilient. God's word is clear: He is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit. I pray, Father, that you would comfort your people and hear their cries. Even in the shadow of destruction, we declare your goodness and mercy Lord.

treasure hunt.

2012-01-11T00:14:00.003-06:00

tonight, much like this year, was an amazing moment spent in the presence of the Almighty one. i am so grateful that i have not only been afforded the opportunity to worship him freely without fear, but have also been given the opportunity worship him in a collective group of close friends experiencing a revival of heart as well.

i knew that the Lord spoke "adventure" as one of my words for 2012. and tonight, as i closed my eyes as Alvin Sr. read an account of the rolled away stone from Matthew, i sensed part of the adventure God was talking about.

"...suddenly, there was a great earthquake! and the angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled away the stone, and sat on it..."

i know that earthquake, i thought to myself. that earthquake is what brought me to haiti. and that stone? that was my heart. before the angel of the Lord rolled that away, too.

"they were frightened, but also filled with great joy..."

what a healthy fear: a fear of the Lord! and that joy! more intoxicating than wine! i was scared, too, once...

"'Do not be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee and they will see me there,' said Jesus."

...but jesus spoke to me to not be afraid. He told me to go, and that He would see me there. and He did. Jesus met me there.

With my eyes, and journal, closed, so much of this story jumped out at me. i quickly grabbed my notebook, realizing i was on the final page; a journal i had began 3 years ago on new years day. i scribbled what jesus had said, and realized he hadn't only spoke it to his disciples, or to me on that day in february of 2010. his word was alive as ever; he was speaking to me now.

"Do not be afraid. Go, and you will see me. I will meet you there."

Lord, with an expectant heart, I know you are leading me on an adventure. I felt the rush and sensation of an adolescent finding a clue leading them on a hunt for buried treasure. yet, i also felt the peaceful release of His spirit telling me this is just the beginning. i am thankful he is not finished with me yet. this adventure doesn't just span my year, my time in haiti, or even my job. this is an adventure that my Lord and Savior has invited me away on, and I He is ready for each crazy step along the way.

the simple importance of words - 2012

2012-01-02T16:33:00.000-06:00

although i have a list of personal things i may set out to accomplish over the next year (like, return to Haiti, begin a 5 or 10 year calendar journal, or complete a running plan), while praying and meditating over 2012, four words have come to mind to serve as my mantra over the course of the next 12 months.

simplify.

healthy.

adventure.

finish.

simplify: my schedule. my expectations in the classroom. my faith. my analytical mind. get rid of all that is unnecessary. reduce the junk in my figurative and physical attics. don't try to accomplish x, y, and z in one day. do one thing very well.

healthy: lifestyle choices. work out to be healthy, not to be a certain number on a scale or size in a waistband. healthy relationships. healthy world- and self-views. healthy sleeping habits. healthy giving, and receiving. healthy dreams. healthy commitment to work. a healthy mindset.

adventure: my story with jesus. who wants to merely walk with him, when rather you can depart on an adventure? adventures are exciting. i am going into 2012 expectant for what he is going to do. in my heart, my life, in Nashville, in Haiti, in the world. and this year, I've begun by realizing that I am called to be on an adventure with him. adventures have crazy twists and turns and enemies and victories and lots and lots of growth. they are scary and intimidating, but oh-- are they worth it!

finish: finish books. start with one. complete a running plan. then move on to training for a half-marathon. or, let's just start with a 5k. fully establish myself as a photographer, a goal i began nearly a decade ago. finish what i start at school. do things into completion. perhaps even more importantly, if i know it is something i'm only going to give half a heart to, don't start it in the first place. learn to finish, and to finish well, by only beginning what is meaningful in the first place.

Lord, i place each of these in your hand. i'm not seeking to climb rung-by-rung a ladder of success, gain accolades, or hear an "atta boy!" at the end of the day. i'm seeking to make room for what truly matters most. what makes me more available and prepared to do the work which you have given me. when the secondary "goals" of 2012 are stripped away and lost in memories down the road, i want to remember that this is the year i learned to simplify. that i learned to live healthy. that my adventure with you continued, and i learned to begin only what was important so that i would make room to finish meaningful tasks.

because He is good...

2012-01-02T05:00:00.002-06:00

...i am up at 4:30 a.m., typing blog posts after hearing stories about the faithful provision of the Lord all.night.long.

it's truly been the best start to a year that I can remember. seeing God fleshed out in the lives of my friends gets my heart on fire for Him in my own personal life. and God has not only been revealed and glorified through the lives of so many close to me, but he's also used those situations (and my new devotional) to remind me that He sets the blaze so that others can see it and be transformed.

i almost didn't go. i was tired, and late to bed last night after New Years Nashville. i got up early (well, earlier than the rest of the comatose city) this morning for church and had been gone all day. everything in me wanted to go home and go to bed. at 8:30. but, i decided, it was stacey's last night in town, and my only chance to catch up and hear her stories from the world race.

so what began at just after 9, didn't end for 6 1/2 hours. stacey shared her entire, crazy, ridiculous, nothing-short-of-a-God-sized-miracle testimony, and summarized each of her month-long journeys from the world race in this past year. wow. seriously, i can not wait for her book to come out. even after hearing her stories, i want to hear more. i want to hear them again. and again. and marvel at how God has been so tangible in her life, and how radical her transformation has been.

for a moment, i stopped and looked around. seven of us, from all different walks of life, having intersected with each other at very different stages and seasons of our lives, were sitting up at the wee-hours of the morn', cuddled close and cozy on trey's plush couch, talking about jesus. about the freedom found. about the anger and almost-swear words we feel towards the evil and darkness in the world. about dying babies and sex trafficking and disabled chinese men and desperate africans and the underbelly of poverty. and how, even in spite of such darkness, the light is still light. and that light is fully good.

i don't understand how the atrocities in her stories can take place. even having not seen them with my own eyes, i know they exist. in the dark corners of the world where it seems no one is watching. but, He is. He sees the hurt and the pain and the death. and for some reason, He allows for it to exist. and there is a tension in our hearts that isn't okay with that.

but where darkness exists, we have the opportunity to usher in light. and when light begins to permeate, darkness retreats completely. we must carry the candle for those living in eternal darkness. God has placed the fire within us to light the way when the path is unclear.

that doesn't mean to shove religion down throats. it doesn't look like forcing people into conversions. it hardly resembles the "church" as we know it as a practically governing-body we've placed in the crux of our spiritual lives. rather, it looks like praying in a language incomprehensible to those in need. it looks like holding a small child in its last days, even when the death is unfair and anger-inciting. it resembles doing laundry or working at a restaurant or teaching a 16-year-old how to laugh.

being the light in the darkness means looking like jesus. and looking like jesus means being love.

stacey came away from 2010-2011 with many stories. none of which anyone can take away from her as her testimony. but these stories are not our own, no matter the emotional charge they created within our spirits as she fought back tears to share them.

God desperately wants to write each of our stories this year. He wants us to embark on a journey with Him, an adventure spent fully in His presence. but first, or perhaps eventually, we must learn what it looks like to be love and light in the dark spaces of our world. and before we can light up Malawi, Thailand or Myanmar, we must allow that light to permeate the dark spaces of our hearts and lives.

i am thankful that God so graciously and generously has ignited a fire within us and given us others with that same passion burning to walk this season of revival with! i sat astonished tonight thinking of how this group of people came to be; each story so unique, yet written with redemption and resurrection woven so tightly through out. our God is so, so good to us. and to think: this is just the beginning.

holiday hiatus

2011-12-29T11:24:00.000-06:00

eek. it has been almost a full 3 weeks since i've posted, and who knows how long before that it was that i actually read anything in my blogfeed! i don't know about you, but the last two weeks of work before break were absolutely HEINOUS! so much stuff that literally, some of it just did not get done in time! slash, too much to even begin to pack it ALL in!

speaking of packing, that didn't even happen until the DAY i was leaving. but some sort of miracle occurred. the students left, the parents cleaned, and i packed up my things to go and left school at 10:30. and for the first time this year, perhaps even longer, i did not feel rushed.

i got home. cleaned the kitchen. washed my linens. cleaned out the refrigerator??? put away laundry?????

and i did it all without rushing to get through it. the thing that was even more strange? i enjoyed it. every. bit. of. it.

i didn't force myself to slow down, nor did i really even invite myself to it. I just sat down and opened my eyes and said, "whats the rush?" and realized, there is none.

not to say that my entire christmas break was spent with such an outlook, but i'm going to try to have a similar perspective going into the new year.

beautiful things

2011-12-11T22:48:00.001-06:00

you make me new, you are making me new. -- gungor, beautiful things

i'm half-laughing, half-crying on the way to the Salvation Army Community Center in East Nashville on Saturday. i certainly had no idea what i was doing, and the reality that i had no business even being there began to plant seeds of doubt in my heart on Friday night. i considered the options: hoping for illness to render me hospital bound (true story). calling in "sick." or showing up, humbled and with a teachable heart.

i wish i could say option three sounded the most appealing, but ...

so, i'm armed with two trips-worth of pvc pipe. a king-sized sheet. christmas lights. a coffee-filter flash diffuser.

and somehow, it all became a photo studio. even more miraculously, somehow, i showed up-- humbled, with a teachable heart.

you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.

with eagerness, i took a moment to watch everything come together around me. the man, helping me iron the wrinkles out of my brand new ~~sheet~~ backdrop. the teenage boy that ran to find duct tape to ~~ghetto rig~~ hang my ~~ghetto-sheet~~ back drop. his brother and dad that helped to string the ~~christmas lights~~ intentional, bokeh-inspired back-lit ambience. the other photographer, Jill, that so generously allowed me to use her large soft-box, as opposed to my puny studio spotlight. He works all things together for the good of those that love Him, i thought to myself. an abundance of gratefulness began to swell in my heart for this moment.

and i hadn't even fired a single shot yet.

then, the families came. and after the first mom looked at the photo on the screen of my camera and said, "that one there looks real nice," with sincere gratitude and joy, my heart shattered into thousands of tiny shards, like a glass ornament colliding with the ground, but only better. far, far better.

the families had nothing. or next to it. many of them showed up in sweatpants, hand-me down rags-to-riches, and even shirts with holes in them. they didn't care. the pride wasn't in their appearance (although many did come color-coordinated, so you know they tried so very hard to look their best). the pride, and joy, was in the photo. a moment, captured forever, with all the siblings, or multi-generational, or with auntie or nephew or cousins. the laughter and smiles and joy was so palpable that it was indeed shared with me over the viewing of their snapshot.

the smiles in the photos weren't forced; they were thankful. they were joyful. they were beautiful.

you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.

out of nothing, He made something happen. He brought beauty to life.

blogover

2011-12-11T22:22:00.001-06:00

hi, my name is rhiannon. and i am a recovering blogger. i went on a binge (30 days of Thankfulness ... at least, it was supposed to be 30 days worth...) and woke up with a huge blog-over. i swore i would never blog again. i just couldn't; it was too painful. but as you can tell, here i am again... so, here goes nothing.

in the time since my last post, God has continued to bring me into new, exciting, and terrifying territory. the funny thing is, i never realized it would be on familiar ground that He would walk me into new things. i thought for a new season to come, that i must say goodbye to the old, and to Nashville. but, at least at this point, i don't think he's leading me away from the city; rather, he seems to be deepening and spreading my roots across this town, in a way that a tree grows strong and fortified.

regardless of what comes next, Pastor Jim said something today that really allowed me to connect to this season: We must first walk in obedience in the things we know we've been called to, and He will lead us from there. it's not about running off to another land to find where I am meant to be: it is sewing into where I am right now, and seeing where God might lead me off to. it's not seeking out a purpose or a passion or even a partner to run this race with. it's investing in those he has already blessed me with, and watching as they blossom into beautiful things. it's not about having a broad bucket-list of items checked off by the time i'm thirty; but rather, its about how deep i grew into the fields in which i'm already involved.

God has truly been amazing me as of lately. by bounty of blessing, to rewarded with responsibility, He certainly knows the plans He has for me. I needn't be afraid; for the Lord God is with me, wherever I shall go.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 29 - Skype

2011-11-29T22:54:00.001-06:00

really? you're thinking. after all this mumbo jumbo spiritual stuff she's thankful for, she throws a curve ball with a computer app?

yes. yes i did.

but skype is no angry birds or the free trial version of cut the rope. skype is revolutionary technology, somewhere just shy of teleportation (and perhaps, the best substitute as of yet).

tonight, our DMS group met back up for a "fellowship" night. that is a fancy way to say that we aren't done with what God is doing (or, rather, He is nowhere near done working in us), and we're pursuing and cultivating the relationships and revival culture that DMS furnished for us. we are somewhere between being just merely a Bible study, and really being a church; what distinguishes us from each is that we are not looking up to a pulpit to be fed, nor are we quite pouring out and serving those that come to be ministered to. rather, this season looks as if we are going to learn what it is like to be discipled, and to walk towards leadership with each other. it is a very unique place, and the ground is fertile for all that the Lord wants to do with us, in us, and through us.

as we worshiped, prayed, studied the word, and discussed how to proceed with this 'fellowship' here in nashville, we were tri-continental. yes, TRI! our DMS leaders Di and Bram were both tuned in on Skype (on two separate computers) from Jakarta, Indonesia and Melbourne, Australia, respectively. one of the DMS students was visiting family in oregon and tuned in as well. we all came from 4 different time zones, 2 different days even. it was awesome to worship God here in the Love's living room, then have Di open us in prayer from a lobby in Indo, where Jakarta Life Church is set to launch on Sunday. we all virtually laid hands on Frank, the pastor to pray for an anointing and declare God's promises over the new church body from across the globe. then we gathered around CeCe and Alvin, to pray for an anointing and divine wisdom, guidance and knowledge as they open their home and lives to walk towards the huge things God wants to do here in Nashville. as we concluded prayer in their living room, my friend Alvin (their son), prayed for them over skype from Australia as well. it was seriously as if every person was in that room at the same time, and such a neat blessing to have people in four very different places praying this all into being and standing in agreement before the Lord. it was truly such a unique thing to be a part of, and i could not be more excited for all that is to come within this fellowship family! :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 28 - Ministry

2011-11-28T21:25:00.001-06:00

it wasn't until recently (read: last week sometime) that i realized ministry didn't necessarily only happen in a church or on a missions base. it didn't require a degree in theology, nor a fancy title. ministry is simply what happens when your talents/passions are driven by jesus and meet a need of a person/group/community.

last sunday at church, i learned about Hope Clinic for Women here in Nashville. beginning 25 years ago as a crisis pregnancy center, Hope Clinic has evolved to include professional counseling and medical care, in addition to prevention education and offering pregnancy mentorship and education. meeting with Beverly and Katie tonight, i saw their passion for the women, community and cause that they serve. they truly are ministers of jesus to each lovely soul that walks into that building.

tonight was a volunteer orientation at Hope Clinic, a ministry i didn't even know existed, nor did i really have a heart for the cause, just a week ago. but sitting in that room, things seemed to click (quite reminiscent of sitting in the volunteer orientation for Ellie's Run for Africa in which God removed the blinders, opened my eyes, and literally breathed international education into my heart). i sat there, and realized this was their ministry. for some of the girls they see, this is the only ministry they may encounter, or at least, the first of such. this is a place of mercy and grace. this is a place with great need. God was stirring my heart, igniting care for the cause and these women and what they are going through. wow; He certainly works ALL things together for the good of those that love Him.

at church, i was praying for an opportunity to serve somewhere using my photography. literally, at the end of that prayer, on the HC video showing at TVC, she literally said: "photographers! we need you, too, to photograph the moms and their new babies."

the day before, AND a week before that, two separate people prophesied over me that they saw me getting involved in women's ministry. i hesitated at the first, say what?! working at a church? sorry bout it, not happening. then the second one, i thought, wow, God really is trying to get my attention about something. it didn't even click until AFTER i got word back about the orientation that THIS IS women's ministry! this is using my passion and talent as a platform to serve others and do it because of what Christ has done for me and because He has equipped me with these gifts so that I can use them to minister to the needs of others! and the opportunity to practice my craft? seriously, He blows me away at His goodness.

ministry is all around us. be thankful for the ministries in your community, being the love of Christ. and tune in on your own ministry; what does it look like? how can you develop it? what sort of legacy will it leave?

i am so excited for this season of new things that God is going to walk me through as I partner with Hope Clinic. I challenge you to do the same in your sphere of influence! God can use you AND your ministry! :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 27 - Blogs

2011-11-27T21:53:00.001-06:00

if you're actually reading this, chances are this post could hold true for you, too.

blogs. so. many. blogs!

and no time to keep up with them! i admit, there are days i don't even log into my blogspot account, because i know i will want to read. and you can't just read one. in fact, i follow two blogs of friends that are off doing missions around the world right now, and i am email subscribed to their updates. if i did not do that, i would miss each of their musings because i barely make it past all the blog headlines even.

i could spend a week doing nothing but reading and writing blogs, and then maybe, just maybe, i would be caught up. even on these 5 days off, i managed to catch up a little: but i am still missing out on so much.

the problem (and yet, the whole thing i'm thankful for in the first place!) is that i get so much information from the blogs i follow! they transport me to living back in haiti, letting me in on little-known-secrets of life as a missionary, or remind me of how relatable our experiences could be. or, they offer TONS of teaching advice, empathy, strategy, or simply good lesson ideas or freebie printables! (which actually saves time in the long run, am I right?!). then there are the feel-good blogs: about love and travel and jesus. i *hope* my blog winds up in that category, although if it were in google+ it would totes intertwine all of the aforementioned circles! (haiti+teaching+travel+jesus = rhiannondean07.blogspot.com!)

i digress; i genuinely appreciate a good blog. for the connection to a past memory. for the creation in my schema of a future one. for information and ideas that make me better at what i do. for moral support that reminds me the frustrations and emotions and passions i have are real, and i'm not alone in them! i am thankful for a community of blogs and their owners that exist for the betterment of their readers! thank you jesus for freedom of speech.

now, if there were just more time... :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 24 - Family

2011-11-25T01:22:00.001-06:00

as i woke up today on thanksgiving morning, i flipped on the macy's thanksgiving day parade and sat on my couch to continue yesterday's crafting excursion. although i don't vividly remember watching the thanksgiving day parade as a child with my family, the sense of nostalgia the parade evokes is authentic enough to rewrite that portion of my past if it didn't already exist. suddenly, i missed my family. and then, my mamma called. and then, i talked to my daddy. and i called my sister on her way to my aunt and uncle's house. in just a few hours, i was sitting on a front porch, with my iphone in hand, on a video skype call with my entire family: aunt, uncle, cousins, sister, daddy, even some people i didn't know. it was as if these 700 miles weren't all that far; that i could sit on a cell phone and yet be in the same room as my family back home. i don't know which i'm more thankful for here: my family, or the technology that keeps us together.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 23 - Creating

2011-11-24T01:26:00.000-06:00

if you are a woman, enjoy baking, sewing or creating, or have even been anywhere in the vicinity of the internet in the last 6 months, chances are, you've heard all about Pinterest. you know, the new heroin in the soccer-mom and DIYer circles. and if you're anything like me, you have somewhere in the realm of 500 "pins" (okay. i confess. 744 to be exact.), and have spent countless hours browsing through stranger's boards, saying to yourself, "just one more page, and then you must go to bed!" okay, maybe you exhibit more self-control than i do, and that's okay. but if you don't, then you will appreciate the day that i had today.

i spent all day planning, preparing, and creating (yes! FINALLY creating!) from the inspiration i've collected on my Pinterest! i've scoured this town (literally all corners of Nashville!) from Michaels, to McKay's used books and Goodwill, to Dollar Tree and Walmart, and even down to Joann's Fabrics in Cool Springs! I literally spent 9 hours driving and combing through craft aisles, creating each project in my head at first sight of the materials! picking out the perfect tulle for peacock tutu's, gathering all the just right pieces to decorate my mantel, figuring out just how much i need of this, and where the cheapest place to find that would be.

and then: at 9 p.m., i began to create! and it was MAGNIFICENT! from book trees galore to book page birdies. a village of lighted and embellished mason jars. more jute rope and burlap than you can shake a stick at. and don't forget the metallic gold spray paint and glitter! i am a few items short of an etsy shop, but i literally enjoyed every second of crafting. it gave me time to put my creativity and eye for aesthetic composition to the test, and honestly just exercising my ability to create gave such a renewed sense of personality and self-worth! (how lame and grandma-ish did that sound?!) with every step and project completed, i felt a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment; you know, the kind that comes and you step back and admire that you just made something really great (without actually being cocky or arrogant or prideful). i think i sort of got a glimpse of what God must've felt when after all that He created, He stepped back and said, "It is good."

what a thought to think that He created us and then said, "It is VERY good."

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 20 - Radical Faith

2011-11-20T20:41:00.001-06:00

(can you believe it is already day 20?! i've gotten in the ridiculously good habit of daily blogging/journaling! i say that in complete humility of course.)

today, i am most thankful for radicality. that is not a word, but it ought well should be. as 'ought well should' should be a phrase. radicalness. radiful. okay, you get the picture. i'm not talking about being radical in the sense of pouring water on an ant hill, dying your hair pink, or bungee jumping off the empire state building. i'm talking about a Luke 17, mountain-moving, radical faith.

okay, i confess. i haven't seen any of the himalayas shift as of late. but, i will tell you what i have seen in my life: lives transformed by the power of the Lord; gifts of the Holy Spirit being poured out onto SO many receptive hearts; the gift of healing for my neck in high school; speaking of tongues and receiving of prophetic words; financial miracles; the opening up of heaven and singing along with the angels; spiritual warfare so apparent that it was almost tangible and visible; strongholds broken; ravaged hearts and lives repaired; the restoration and redemption of many. i think the only thing i have YET to see is a demon being cast out of a person, but with where my faith is headed, i'm not worried that i won't see it in this life time (i have seen someone i believed to be possessed, in Ethiopia. i could feel it within my spirit the moment she tore through the door and into that one-room home). and friends: each of these are mountains in the eyes and souls of many.

i'm thankful for radical faith of others: that brings them half-way around the world from Australia, to lead a group of 20-somethings into revival. that opens its mouth to speak the heart and words of God over a person they don't even know from Adam. that stands in the gap, interceding for friends and family and believing that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun. for radical faith that drives you from being completely self-sufficient, fine on your own without the Lord and doubting His spirit, to speaking in tongues, to being baptized in a freezing cold swimming pool after a house-church service.

for radical faith lived out in my own life: hearing from God to move to Nashville, and then to do it. in 10 days. to go to Africa. to go to grad school. to go teach in Haiti. these were all very specific things God spoke to me, and they all are HUGE, and require great time and investment! and talk about a change of comfort! I am not attributing any of these things to my own strength, direction, or even desire at the time; but rather to the faith that the Lord has developed in me, and His persistent voice that does not lead me one step to the left or to the right of where I need to be.

for radical faith that will lead me towards things prophesied over me this weekend: influential in the realm of academics (doctorate??), in a place of dirt, with little children all around, being lead with joy to the Lord (haiti!?), a sailboat filled with the spirit, destination unknown, but it doesn't matter because God is with me wherever I go (can we go back to my own vision of the merry-go-round, AND Joe's word about God-ideas!?!?!); a strong, beautiful, and well-dressed might i add, woman of authority, surrounded by a group of young women that view me as a sister or mother (women's ministry, via Jasen Chung?!!?) good freaking gracious, it took a lot of courage for those people to step out in faith and declare what God was speaking to them over me. a lot of radical courage, and radical faith. and it will take radical amounts of each of those to walk into the fulfillment of each of these.

i also want to applaud a radical church here in Nashville that i fully believe did the right thing today. the pastor got a call from an inner-city ministry saying that many families were in desperate need of food. so, instead of preaching, he decided to be jesus, and send the congregation back out; to not simply go to church, but rather, to be the church. they had u-hauls waiting at 3 different groceries, to collect and deliver the food to those in need. wow. that is RADICAL! people don't do well with change. i'd be jaded if i showed up to church and no one was there! he decided to have RADICAL LOVE for these people, and i am fully convinced that Jesus would've done the same.

comfortable, complacent, and safe does not change the world; radical living, giving and serving will. join me in becoming a radical woman of God.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 19 - Revival! (and a video blog bonus!)

2011-11-19T22:15:00.001-06:00

normal Rhiannon has recently left the building. permanently.

revival is spreading in our Nashville community, and it would be a sin of omission to not be a part of it.

God did SUCH incredible things this week at DMS; shattering my preconceptions of God (yet again), laying down a spirit of guilt, fear, shame, or embarrassment, gifting just about EVERYONE with the gift of tongues, giving wisdom through the prophetic, breaking off ties to the demonic, cutting us free from bondage, and establishing forgiveness where bitterness and resentment once held ground. and all that is just within ME! ha! God is so good!

here is a little video summary of the week, with emphasis on today's teaching on the prophetic!

y'all, we must have radical faith! grounded in the word, most importantly reflecting Jesus: His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His pursuit of the will of the Father; we must never look like anything less than He did. that means we need to be counter-culture. not to simply stir up an uprising, but rather to not be what everyone expects Christians to be like. which, unfortunately in America in this day and age, is half-hearted hypocrites. we don't love like jesus did. we don't get angry at sin the way he got angry. and we are not nearly even half as generous with mercy and forgiveness as He was ... and instructed us to be.

i know it begins with revival. and revival in a community or city or even a home must begin in our own heart. Jesus, the time is now. you have set this heart ABLAZE for you! FIRE! More, Jesus! MORE!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 18 - Worship

2011-11-19T01:25:00.001-06:00

But we worship at your throne—eternal, high, and glorious! --Jeremiah 17:12

O God, we meditate on your unfailing love as we worship in your Temple. --Psalm 48:9

Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him, singing with Joy. --Psalm 100:2

But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth. --John 4:23-24

Something truly powerful happens when we come before the Lord in a spirit of humility, He will exalt us in His honor. He gives grace to the humble. We don't find ourselves in a receptive spirit when we walk in pride and not humility.

Tonight, we learned to humble ourselves in the presence of God. and His grace was overflowing.

We spent 2 hours in worship, finishing at 12:30! Mid-way through, I opened my eyes and looked around. people laying on their faces, on their backs. sitting on their knees with arms held high in humility. standing with arms spread wide. strewn about the room, with all the chairs pushed back against the walls, about 40 people were captivated by the spirit of God. sitting at His throne was a beautiful experience. i looked around, not judging or taking note of who looked more spiritual. rather, i just smiled, as my heart swelled with God's love for each of these that were on their faces before Him. it was just between us and God, and we sat in the throne room, worshipping, interceding, praying, praising and just listening to the Spirit. i wish words could accurately describe those two hours of time, but nothing short of the glory of heaven will ever portray just how beautiful a time with the Lord it was.

i sat there praying, thinking about how as we all warred together in the spirit, that we were establishing bonds and ties in the supernatural/spiritual realm, and those ties can not be easily broken. I prayed and asked that God would help continue to allow these relationships to thrive, that this joy, vigor and revival would be sustainable and attainable within our every-day life. each of our spirits in the unseen realm are engaged in a battle in which the front-lines are not on our own, acknowledgeable territory, rather within the spiritual realm. As our spirits battle on together, we war over our friends, we stand in the gap for our city and our nation, and we praise the Father for the opportunity to corporately worship in a setting that blesses our hearts so much more than it seems we are deserving of.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 17 - Heaven

2011-11-17T23:52:00.001-06:00

The following is an excerpt from worship tonight.

This image of redemption, revival and reconciliation in front of me right now is a picture of Heaven on earth. People on their knees, even on their faces, before the Lord. In the word. Your broken, rejected ones being prayed fire and seeking restoration. Tears released along side of fears; mercy flowing sweeter than the melodies on the baby grand.

Father, tonight, you delight over us. You gather us up in your loving arms and you say, "Abba Father is here. And I love you."

Tonight, we are no longer strangers. No longer a mix of black and white, of old and young. We are a glimpse of the heavenly realm, as we delight in you, beg for you, carry one another to the cross.

Your love is vast enough to cover, not only my laundry list of sin and rebellion, but the collective brokenness that daily life has left us. You fix us. You make us new. In your image. As we were created.

I've seen your image.

It is beautiful.

I guess it's high time for me to start believing I'm beautiful too. After all, you are my identity.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 16 - Truth and Forgiveness

2011-11-17T23:45:00.001-06:00

Perhaps I'm all out of sorts reusing one topic AND doing a combined thankfulness, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the far left of conservative on here when it comes to radical faith in Jesus.

SO much truth was spoken tonight regarding the realm of forgiveness in our faith. If I only had my notes out next to me (and was not typing from my iPhone) I would absolutely quote the nuggets of wisdom from Di tonight.

I will say this: when we choose to harbor unforgiveness towards someone, we are denying the very mercy that Christ has given to them in the same way he graciously gave it to us as we approached His mercy seat for forgiveness. That's radical thinking, in which I've never been presented with that idea before. I'm thankful for fresh revelation.

I am also thankful to have been standing in a room full of people crying desperately for the restoration of the lord. The sound of tears and sniffles was overwhelming comforting and blessing in its own right. To know that the kingdom seekers I am walking life out with, have been broken, too, before the Lord, with the purpose of restoring their wounded souls? Our God is merciful. Thank you Jesus for your free-flowing love.

I wish I had proper time to write and reflect on this whole week. I'm not able to process nearly enough of it; yet, I'm not able to prepare nearly enough for school either. Almost 2 full time jobs, and I am beat!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 15 - Authenticity

2011-11-15T23:22:00.001-06:00

For authenticity of joy. In friendship. In prayer. In spirit. Of encouragement. In love.

Jesus, thank you for being an example of an authentic man after the Lords will. May we model you in flesh and Spirit. Amen.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 14 - the Spirit

2011-11-14T23:59:00.001-06:00

i swear, this blog is beginning to become a graveyard for posts that never quite make it to the net. i have two that i am working on that are not yet done, and rather than finish them, i start another; afraid i will miss some important details.

and then, i fall asleep writing. as i just did here.

so- just the highlights. spiritual high today from this weekend. SO blessed. beyond blessed. expectant for it to continue from this weekend through this week. patience and joy came; they were hard at times, but they came.

God's presence was all around us tonight. i felt SUCH a sense of joy and of His excitement for what He is going to do tonight. There was an outpouring of His spirit.

i'm literally falling asleep again so I must get this down.

as people were praying for the gift of the holy spirit, i continued to worship, and i felt like i was supposed to reach out and pray for the girl standing right in front of me. so, reluctantly, stepped up a few feet, and leaned in to ask her if I could pray with her. she eagerly agreed, and i just prayed according to the spirit for her. i felt like maybe God was speaking "restoration," but, it wasn't very clear, and I didn't want it to be just me. i sort of felt like, oh, well okay. i didn't get anything for her, nor do i know what i even prayed for.

at the end of the song, she turned around, bawling, to tell me thank you. in that moment, i felt the Lord show me that He is working, even when I don't see the evidence. all it took was a step in obedience; i didn't know why or for what, or even see the result at first. but wow, he used WHATEVER it was i was praying for her, and he begun to work in her heart.

my spirit became broken for her, and i just began to speak out truth over her: that God delights in her so much, and that He longs to see her fully restored and her heart healed of any pain or suffering. That he wants to restore her to how he created her, and that he desires her wholeness even more than she does.

i could be wrong. she could think i am a kook. or, maybe, just maybe, i made a bold step in faith and have walked in obedience, all the while, being used by God as a minster of His heart.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 13 - Gifts and Blessings (spiritually speaking)

2011-11-14T00:27:00.001-06:00

i know it doesn't look like it, but i have been writing every day. i may not finish the post, but by golly, i at least get it started! (day 12 is half-written, but it's 12:30 and I'm going to get up in 5 1/2 hours, so, ... priority).

this one, this one I will finish.

this weekend has been crazy intense. in a good way. no, actually ... in a great way. having jasen and the sex+money crew in town has done miraculous things for my soul. even though getting everything together in time for their arrival yesterday, and doing my southwest video (hopefully, Day 21 of Thankfulness.. more to come on that, later!), was a bit hectic, it all was well worth it. seriously, just their presence in my home, and the opportunity for me to fill a need and be hospitable and serve them has done w-o-n-d-e-r-s for my heart. i love how God totally blesses us as we serve others. i'm pretty sure its one of the secrets to life long happiness. somewhere just south of diet coke and chocolate. i kid. sort of.

this morning, i got to get up and make the guys breakfast. i can't tell you the last time i did that. and i can't tell you how much i loved it. even more than i loved the nutella, banana biscuits. (finally! the bananas aren't going to go bad because i won't eat them!) i missed having schmorgasboard breakfasts circa the Estes house!

i spent the afternoon at Crema, a coffee show in downtown Nashville. i don't even drink coffee, so i don't really do the coffee house scene. so it was all that more special for me because it was so rare.

after the crew left for their soundcheck, i decided to bake pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins on a whim. i cooked dinner and baked cookies last night, cooked breakfast this AM, and now muffins?! seriously, the opportunity to cook & bake so much has blessed my heart, y'all! i'm so sick of cooking for 1, while the vast majority of the leftovers go unconsumed.

the documentary tonight was pretty intense. i kept asking the Lord to really break my heart for it, like, face-first weeping into the floor, but it didn't come. but instead, His revelation did. in so many ways.

first, i realized, He gives us broken hearts for different things, things in which we can have the biggest sphere of influence and the most impact. early today, i realized that i finally was at a point that i could be, and was, really excited for the spiritual gifts and talents of others, without coveting them, or looking at them condescendingly. we have all been uniquely gifted and blessed and given passions and callings for a reason-- to expand his kingdom within our sphere of influence.

secondly, as Morgan shared, she touched on two things: first: putting the first commandment first: loving God with all we are. out of THAT intimacy with Him, we are moved into action by loving our neighbor as ourself. it's amazing how quick we are to forget that. secondly: as we do this, we are restored as He ministers to OUR hearts. He is just THAT good.

then, I felt as if tonight the Lord is beginning to "till" my heart. that this week is going to be a lot of crazy, intense times with jesus, and this documentary, although great and intense and provoking, wasn't necessarily a be-all, end-all for me. God's already got other plans underway with my heart and passions (learning that it's okay to not feel led towards EVERY act of goodness and mercy and justice!) He was using tonight to prep the soil; to put my heart and mind in the right frame and spirit. stirring it up enough to have my attention and my desires placed in His hand. I got the vision of me on this merry-go-round. as it spun and spun, i got split-second images of each place surrounding me that my eyes locked to. every scene looked so inviting, that i just wanted it to stop right then and there, so that i wouldn't miss out on what God had for me. i thought this image over in my head, but didn't make a ton of sense of it aside from that.

as we returned home after the screening and worship, scott asked if they all could pray over me, as we had to say our goodbyes sunday night since i was leaving for work so early on Monday. during our time of prayer, they all spoke prophetically over me. and i can not even share how merciful the Father is to reveal His heart to me about things that only He would know; confirming other things that only I would know.

joe prophesied that i am a protected daughter. no plans of the enemy will prevail over me. He also said that he saw that I had all of these ideas as of lately, and that they were all from God (as in, I didn't have to second guess which ones were of the flesh, and which of Him). this was radical to my heart because He had no idea of the list of things I wanted to do with my life that I wrote last month, or that I was doubting what realm they were conceived in. this also was confirmed because I am not in a season where I feel like I am struggling much. I haven't really felt under enemy attack much lately, and have had a substantial amount of peace with the Lord (aside from this what-am-i-doing-with-my-life identity crisis i've been experiencing.

then Megan prophesied that she saw me just having a conversation with God. that it is just about friendliness with Him. not always having to expect a big, grand revelation, or always be about praying or praising, but just talking to him, in the car even.

oh, and then, there was jasen. this man is dangerous. i knew this after meeting him in Haiti. he is the chuck norris of intercession. he is round-house-kicking the enemy in the face on a daily basis.

so he gives me the good news first: how i'm in a place of total freedom, being myself before the Lord. that I'm no longer at a place where I am questioning, "is this God?" but rather, saying 'Jesus, this is you, here I am." this coincided even with what I felt God was speaking to my heart at worship tonight:
(being okay with who i am and who he has created me to be; being confident and mature in faith; even the assurance of tonight as i stood in his presence, saying "Lord, whatever it is, doesn't even matter, I am yours. I jsut want to be where you are. I trust you, because this is too big for me to understand or to plan or figure out. i'm limited in time, money, resources.")

all was fun and games. and then, then he propheseyed that women's minstry was on my heart. he said, take it or leave it, that's what he got from God. to be honest, haven't thought one day ever about that. maybe God is on to something....?

regardless, the gifts of others have been a blessing to me as of lately. they have also allowed me to sew into my own gifts (as i believe hospitality and baking is a huge one!) i am so thankful that God gives us people that edify us, and opportunities to serve others with our giftings.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 12 - Friends

2011-11-13T02:14:00.001-06:00

i know it might seem like i'm double dipping into my thankfulness jar, and re-writing a post that has already been written. but, i would argue that my last post on the Famlee was more about the facet of community, whereas this post will reflect my gratitude for my friends and their each, distinct contributions to my life.

last night, i met up with my friend Evan to brainstorm over a video project we've been discussing. sitting there, talking over dinner and shooting ideas back and forth, i just thought about how fortunate i was that someone with a schedule so sporadic would commit to dedicate their time and talents to helping me out; for no gain of his own. i'm thankful for the selfless heart i see in my friends.

after dinner, we continued the brainstorm sesh at Shelley's, with a group-think format. running ideas across her, Kurt and Carly proved ever-valuable as I highly respect their opinion and their eye for asthetics.

to be honest, i was slightly discouraged as the group's excitement and willingness/availability to help out with the project became more limited. but to see the wealth of good ideas, and the willingness to help out with whatever resources they can leaves me extremely grateful for their kindness and generosity.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 11 - Veterans

2011-11-12T01:13:00.001-06:00

if you want to know what makes me cry, you could probably guess the stereotypical ways and be pretty successful.

or, you could show me a picture of a soldier reuniting with his family (wife, child, mother-- it doesn't matter), and just get it over with. seriously, i get all water-world up in here! i cried just two weeks ago over a news clip showing a husband surprise his wife at a Chick-Fil-A. i mean, seriously, people?! you HAD to air that on the news?!

i get it. i'm a wreck. but at least, in this case anyways, for right reason.

i realized my patriotism sometime around sophomore year in high school. i don't know if it was learned or innate, but something about the US of A just set right with my soul. i guess a lot of it stemmed from spending the latter of my formative years (although, i would argue my mid 20's were more of such for me) growing up in a "September 11th" era (clearly used more as an adjective than a date). i wore an american pin on my lapel every day of senior year, and a yellow ribbon tied around my ankle. granted, i had an on-again, off-again ~~relationship~~ ~~stint~~ issue with a guy that decided to join the army shortly after 9/11, and maybe that sent me into overload.

i digress only to say, my heart bleeds for this country, and for the sacrifices made to keep it in tact. now, i know there are a lot of things wrong with America. in fact, an old close friend of mine used to argue that i was indeed a socialist; but i recognize and appreciate what this country has in terms of bravery, courage, values, and freedom.

my daddy was in the army. my grandfather retired as a colonel in the marines, fought in both the Korean and Vietnam wars, and was awarded the Purple Heart. my mama's hope chest has an old journal from a great, great, great+ uncle of hers that served with the confederate army. this country is in my blood.

i am so thankful for the men and women that make a choice to fight for our nation. who look fear and death in the face, and put their trust in the Lord that such a life is what He has for them. men and women that say goodbye to their families and loved ones, and especially for those that never get the opportunity to reunite with them in this life. i am grievous, yet thankful that they have sacrificed seeing the birth of their child, or tucking them into bed at night, so that one day, when i have children, i can do so without the sound of missiles being launched at my house.

it is a difficult decision for one to choose to join the armed forces, and one i've never faced so can't identify with. but i also know it is a tremendous honor and privilege to live in a free country, unafraid of terrorism or civilian causalities during war.

thank you daddy, grand-daddy, and the whole host of Veterans out there.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 10 - Beauty

2011-11-10T22:37:00.001-06:00

i left work a little later than usual (well, depends on what time i should consider usual...) today in order to make it across town for a hair cut. i could either drive all the way home (northwest about 25 miles) and then down to Franklin (20-25 miles south) to the salon, or leave work and do the 35ish or so miles due-west.

leaving the school, i had to take a way i had never been before, driving down small, windy country roads. with each turn, i slowed in caution, not knowing which way it would round or straighten out. the horizon was the best shade of rosy-red-meets-periwinkle you've ever seen, with the peaks and valleys outlined in coal black. the way the barren, late-fall branches splintered out in the foreground was more breathtaking than eery. just when i thought it could not get any more beautiful, the moon made its grand entrance, in between two brentwood hills. words could never paint this picturesque scene; i think van gogh would've had a difficult time himself. i let out a deep sigh and i breathed in all the beauty of the night, thankful that we live for an infinitely creative God, who treasures beauty and rejoices in it Himself. i imagined that He were seated there beside me, and i could almost hear him whisper satisfactorily to Himself: "mmmm. it is good."

it amazes me the things i am able to see in the world and find beauty in them. the deep colors of the dusk, the burn of the stars in the night sky. the deeply appreciative love of a haitian woman i know so well, yet barely understand. the sun-hardened wrinkles of a grandmother in ethiopia that has buried more children than she bore. the invisible way that the Lord has top-stitched divine people, situations, and events together to only pull one thread and have it all unfold majestically. i've been to the poorest nations, literally. i've seen people comb through a literal garbage dump for food. yet, these people, and God's love upon them, is more magnificent than words could ever express.

thank you Lord, for your Creative beauty. it is reflected greatly in your creation, and i can only think that it is your Spirit that swells within my heart at the sight of something beautiful.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 9 - Progress

2011-11-09T23:04:00.000-06:00

I have to write this quick.

For starters, its 11 p.m., which is approximately 2 hours after i need to be asleep in order to not completely hate my life in the morning.

secondly, my neighbors (that have been missing for over 2 weeks) have decided to apparently deconstruct and reconstruct the entire wall that hangs behind my bed. all i hear is hammering and it's getting closer and closer to my head ... thankfulness is not a feeling i will be feeling for very long. frustration would be more like it.

regardless, that doesn't change the fact that today i realized, i've had a good week (thus far) at school. no major meltdowns via any of the students, no major mishaps, and lots of learning has happened. even more than that, the kids are having fun AND making tremendous progress.

today was progress report day. in kindergarten, we view that as, more or less, another-thing-we-have-to-do-that-takes-a-ton-of-time-but-doesn't-really-get-anything-accomplished day (okay, maybe its just me. but i know that to be true). of course, progress reports weren't done already; i had to do them today. during planning, during lunch. during literacy centers and nap time. but they came together in the knick of time.

perhaps the best part of the day was sitting with my sweet friend, A., who came in at the beginning of the year fairly low. i was concerned he might have a learning disability or a special need that had gone undiagnosed, as he didn't even know his name. he told me e-v-e-r-y single capital letter. only missed 2 lower case! and his letter sounds?! OH ME, OH MY!

but the real kicker, what made my heart LEAP out of my chest, was the fact he isolated, blended, and CORRECTLY PRODUCED the WORD 'sun'! i literally jumped up and hugged him and squeezed him and begged him to be so excited at what he just did! y'all, he was READING! I was amazed. seriously.

flipping through their writing journals, i saw SO much progress; from teeny-tiny stick-like figures, to drawings of people with detailed features. from pre-communicative random letters, to words separated by spaces, with the proper use of capital/lowercase! it is monumental the progress made in three months! (wow, has it been 3 months ALREADY?!)

needless to say, yesterday was a reminder that day-to-day, we hardly notice things as they change: the leaves as they go from green, to yellow, to gold and brown, to bare branches. that extra 5, or 10, pounds that has crept up on us. the wrinkles that have hardened our adolescent faces. friendships that grow stale overtime and distance. but when you stop, intentionally, to evaluate any given moment against a set moment past, you can truly see with 20/20. progress is being made all the time. even when we don't see it. keep marching. keep on running for the goal. you're a whole heck of a lot closer than when you started.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 8 - Jayla

2011-11-08T18:54:00.001-06:00

dearest jesus, thank you for my niece, Jayla. for her spunk and personality. for the joy and beauty and innocence that lies in her beautiful blue eyes. for her brilliant, gifted mind. for the silliness that has yet to be constrained and muted by this world and the grumpy adults, myself included, that seem to exist to prune the goofy, carefree spirits from children. i pray she is able to hold tight to being a child as long as she can.

happy 7th birthday the the world's most precious niece. you will never realize what a blessing you have been to this family. unanticipated, unexpected, yet such an unbelievable blessing. you are the closest thing i have to a daughter; the closest love i can feel for a child not of my own. the day you were born, the Lord opened up a cavity in my heart the size of your smile. i hate not being there to watch you grow up, but you will always be my precious Jayla-boo. i love you princess.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 7 - The Famlee

2011-11-07T23:30:00.002-06:00

i have been blessed with a remarkable group of friends here in Nashville. commiserate with our friend group back home (the JP), our nashville entourage has garnered the amicable name, The Famlee, for a good time now. i am thankful that many of these beautiful souls are ones i've known for years, decades even, and could not put into words how grateful i am to continue to walk out this season of my life with seasoned vets always at my sidelines cheering me on, or pushing me from behind when i dig my heels in the asphalt and want to quit.

this group of friends is an eclectic bunch. ripe with talent and passion, spanning many genres and venues from the music industry to interior design to graphic design and iphone apps, to stylists for the stars and sausage promotion, i feel like i am among an elite crew boiling over with creative ability and potential.

and the personalities: wow! what an array! it's like the smorgasboard of salad bars! not some chincy, dining hall salad bar with stale croutons and thousand island dressing. but rather, the jason's deli of salad bars! something for everyone, AND free fro-yo!

tonight was a reminder of the heart and passion and abilities everyone brings to the table in the Famlee. i'm a finalist for a promotion with Southwest Airlines, and have to come up with a 2 minute video on why I should win. without even finishing divulging the details of the contest, everyone was on board and ready to be of use with wherever their gifts fit best: we've got filmmakers, and jingle-writers, and people with massive ideas and personalities and energy! and everyone was so ready and willing to be generous with their time and talents, all for a silly video that could easily wind up lost in the stacks out at Southwest's HQ.

what amazes me about this vibrant group of mid-20-somethings, is when the laughter and excitement and dancing and heinous amounts of singing and clapping die down, or when you're in a bind, or need a ride from the airport last minute, or when you even just need someone to pray with you-- i know that each and every person in the Famlee would drop what they are doing and be there for you. you see, much unlike America wants you to believe about our generation, we're invested. in each other, in our faith, in the church, in this world.

i wrote a post a few weeks back about how the Lord was moving within this group of friends, and i am so anxiously awaiting a week from today, when many of us will embark on a week-long discipleship training together. after talking with alvin, one of the guys through whom this DMS is coming into fruition, we both agreed that our group of friends is such a rich ground of community, but we've been missing the essential pieces of spiritual depth on a greater level. certainly, i've been blessed to go to school and to have been through so much of life with 4 of these girls, but a part from that, don't have a huge investment in the spiritual lives of the rest of the community.

i'm expectant that the Lord is going to show up and move in amazing, unbelievable ways. there has already been such revelation and revival in the hearts and lives of several of us over the past year, and i think this will only further cement not only our relationships among the Famlee, but as well as our impact in our community and in the lives of others that we have the opportunity to serve. most importantly, i am expectant that the Lord will use this time to draw our eyes and hearts and ears and lives so near and dear to His own, and that He will reclaim places in our souls that have grown stagnant, that He will uproot the weeds that laziness has allowed to take hold, and that He will blow gently into the flame beneath our hearts to set it ablaze for His kingdom and His glory.

thank you Jesus for your blessing of friends. not just any friends-- famlee.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 6 - TVC

2011-11-06T22:26:00.002-06:00

i never knew that the throws of grad school would bring me closer to the Lord, aside from "oh dear God, please let me get this thesis finished in time. or at all." but when i was student teaching full-time, working on my thesis, prepping for my 4 praxis exams, and still attending classes, i had to really evaluate every spare moment i had.

enter: the village chapel.

the church i had been attending was great, it really was. but, it was a 30 minutes drive, each way, and the service could run up to 3 hours sometimes. and not that the Lord is not worthy of that time, but some sundays it became a commitment too large to keep. so, i decided to find a church a little closer to home. and by closer, i mean, a mile away.

i immediately fell in love with the village chapel. the simplicity of its worship: old hymns and acoustic sets; no stage or fancy lights or major front-of-house equipment to make you feel like you're attending a concert. the history of the chapel: 100+ year old convent, with exposed beams, high ceilings, and the only decor, an unassuming cross made of driftwood and hung high on the front wall. the warmth you felt when you walk in: from the congregation, from Pastor Jim, from his wife, Kim, as she leads prayers that are genuine and spirit-filled, not to mention, often exceeding 5 minutes as she carefully and precisely carries each need to the throne of the Lord.

to have been able to now call myself a member of TVC for 2 years (minus my 4 months in Haiti), i am honored. we are a church full of repentant sinners, in need of God's grace and mercy, and desiring intimacy with Him and knowledge of who He is. this body of believers holds a special place in my heart; and not that i am worshipping the creation more than the creator; rather, i am merely appreciative that He has led me to an unassuming place where His glory dwells.

i've "done" church in Nashville before. i've been to some really awesome ones, and some not so great ones. even as a believer, i've felt like an outsider at some-- only a fraction of the judgment i'm sure a non-christian visitor must be subject to. i've felt like some churches are about bigger and better worship than the church next door, and who value the quality and production of their worship perhaps more than the One they are seeking to worship. now, TVC is NOT perfect. again, i say we are a group of repentant sinners. but i treasure the authenticity and sincerity of the faith professed at TVC. it doesn't come off arrogant, nor calloused, nor needy, nor greedy. it comes off in moments of joy; or the bare-faced exhaustion of a new mom. perhaps it is lived out in the vulnerable tears of a girl that kneels at the communion table. the invitation to "get coffee" (which, being a non-coffee drinker, i wish there was a valid substitute!) and talk about life. we are people, made by God, to do life with people, who live for God.

i used to think that i needed a mounting melody and the swell of a bridge to emotionally interact with the Holy Spirit through (musical) worship at church. but feeling my heart swell from the spirit as all else is stripped away, i feel the sense of completion and satisfaction, as if the final piece of the puzzle has been slipped into place.

i have been humbled and honored to call TVC home. to serve there, to grow there. to study under Pastor Jim's teachings, to learn from the gentleness of Kim's prayers. i am so thankful for the truth spoken in love and wisdom, and for the church i have come to call home.

runners up: daylight savings time. the generosity and encouragement of friends through their gifts. the ability to think (borderline thankful/angry over this one).

2011-11-06T01:46:00.002-05:00

and who'da thunk it? nashville was my 200th post.

goodnight nashville. stay classy til morning.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 5 - Nashville

2011-11-06T01:42:00.002-05:00

i love the chilly, fall saturdays in which you can wake up at your leisure and slowly get out of bed just after the fog lifts. no alarm necessary. today was no exception.

driving to meet Jacquelene at JJ's Market (a convenience store meets coffee shop meets small corner of heaven) in Midtown, it occurred to me-- i absolutely love nashville.

taking the back roads from sylvan park (my quaint neighborhood), through west end (aka- vandyville) to midtown i thought about how much i love this city. the distinct features of each borough; how drastically different they are, yet how well they mesh together. i love each nook and cranny of this city, down to the urban ghettos that we drove through today scouting houses. and this city in the fall? spectacular. the bare-bones of the trees, mixed with the sporadicly brilliant oranges on the remaining maples is unparalleled against the stone gray of the sky. even more glorious was the sunshine today!

sitting in jj's, looking at the dated, maroon velvet curtain that covered the entire back wall, the hodge-podge of tables and chairs, the eclectic decor, with the classical opera music playing, i thought to myself, "where else?" you would not find this anywhere else in the world. not trendy enough for paris. too large, and slow-paced for nyc. would be passed over in just about any other city. there are people reading, studying, facebooking. jacq and i seemed to be the only ones talking and giggling. it had been two years since i had been there in my thesis-writing days. what i love about it is what everyone hates about starbucks: it's quiet enough you can be productive. it's inviting enough that you can get cozy. it's low-key enough that you don't have to be dressed to the nines. and a yoohoo? just 92 cents plus tax brings it to a dollar even.

after 3 hours of conversation, we left jj's to drive aimlessly around sylvan park, sylvan heights, and charlotte. it, too, was glorious. the doll houses, the yellow doors. the new-constructions with wrap-around porches. the old homes with character and porch swings. each neighborhood has its own distinct style of home, as if they illustrate the timeline of nashville's population and demographic expansion. 1940's bungalows (and renovations) in sylvan park; 1930's small cottages birthed from the great depression (with the square footage to prove it) in sylvan heights. government housing off of clifton. we drove and drove and drove, in circles, canvasing the areas around my home. i fell in love just a little bit more with nashville with every warm and inviting home that lined the streets, waving to us as if we were the parade and they, there to see us.

nashville, you amaze me. don't ever change.

runners up for today's thankfulness: jj's, friendships spanning decades, talk about future uncertainty and excitement, a productive day at home getting laundry done and my winter wardrobe into my closet from the attic, daylight savings time, the smell of freshly mopped floors, the humor on grey's anatomy, my fuzzy pink bathrobe, SEC football, justin timberlake on jimmy kimmel, and the crispy potato soft taco at taco bell. don't judge.

30 days of thankfulness - Day 4 - Fridays

2011-11-05T01:14:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's a little early in the game to be thankful for something that merely marks the end of something else. But, im in bed, it's well past my normal teacher bed time, and thinking about today, I've decided I am most thankful for Fridays. In general. But today, specifically.

Fridays at school are long awaited for several reasons. For starters, you can wear jeans. Y'all don't even know what that means for me in the winter. It's no big secret that I abhor cold weather. And early mornings for that matter. Couple that with the pre-DST dark, dark morn, and you've got a recipe for me hitting snooze until 6:25 (which, for me, is late. I used to leave by 6:30)! Jeans mean that I don't have to figure it out. Anything goes with jeans. I love it.

Fridays are also great because I can go a little more lax with the kiddos an not feel as bad. And by lax, I don't mean easy; I mean fun! Several times today I thought about how I have the coolest job in the world. Granted, it is balanced by the several other times today that I worried that 2:59 would not come soon enough. Regardless, today I deviated from my plans a bit, took longer to do our theme activity, and had the kids become chefs! We made chef hats (a sentence strip band with tissue paper stapled to the inside!), then made dough by mixing flour, corn starch, salt, and water, then practiced being iron chef and working until the timer rang! They brought their creations up to the table to dry and were SO excited! In fact, one sweet friend told me, "Ms. DeBaylo, you make the best creativity ever!" (which is kid-speak for "you're awesome!)

Today, rather than getting uptight about how they clean or prepare during our transition song, I let the song play and I didn't even look. I told myself this was their time to do it their way, and when it was over then I could worry about it. And you know what? The world didn't end.

Nor did it when their desks were covered in sticky, doughy residue. So, I spray shaving cream on each desk an let them rub it around for a bit. We played a game in which each table raced to be the first to write the letter I sounded out in their shaving cream! First table all done earned skittles! (let me tell you, the things they will do for skittles!) They LOVED it! And you know what? I did too. I loved that they were having fun. That they were hands on. That they were learning and excited to do so!

This Friday was also especially great because I got to leave at 3:40, AND got a nap when I got home! It was glorious!

My eyes are drifting so I have to finish later. But I am thankful.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 3 - ... thankfulness.

2011-11-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

is it redundant to be thankful for thankfulness?

i know its only day 3, so i don't want you to think, "oh no. she's caving. we've already lost her three days into this commitment, with some unoriginal post on thankfulness. really? that's all you've got?"

yes. yes, it is all i have right now. but roll with me for just a moment.

yesterday, i had a slightly aggravating day. in fact, just trying to spell aggravating is enough to do the trick. just little things here and there really worked to frustrate me. its how i even fell asleep.

and it's definitely how i awoke, too. y'all, i am a force to be reckoned with in the mornings. i am not a happy camper if it is below 70 in my house, or the sun is not yet shining. it's going to be a long winter already. i have a bad habit of waking up angry: that its early, that my alarm is ringing, that my alarm didn't ring yet, that its cold, that its dark, that i'm sleepy, that i'm awake. seriously, i could use counseling on the matter.

it was only mildly shocking to me that i woke up in the same funk i went to bed with. but i totally didn't expect the tears on the way to work. the uncontrollable kind, that well up from all angles of your eyes, and you don't know what you did to trigger them, but you'd do just about anything to take it back?

the second the tears hit, i almost slammed on the breaks and made a mad dash back home to jump back into bed and cry to jesus. but, it was time to face the day and all this ugliness. plus, it would've been too late to call in a sub. and two personal days in a month might give off the suspiscion that i need clinical help.

so, i prayed, and sang praises. but it really didn't restore the joy. so i switched up my pandora station form kathryn scott to john foreman, and had a little pre-school-day, silent worship sesh.

with 18 ~~monsters~~, precious little ones all vying for attention, usually selfishly, all day, it is bound to get slightly exhausting. and we haven't been doing very well with our "favor your neighbor" deal i tried to sell at the beginning of the year.

but the tipping point for my heart, in measure of grace and mercy, was when i dismissed my kiddos one-by-one from the carpet. i had them each name one thing they were thankful for. (aha! i told you to hang with me there!) one by one, they each declared their gratefulness. me and God were pretty popular, topping most of the lists, with toys and nerf guns bringing up the rear. i found myself choking back tears at their honesty; and i felt a little guilty that they were so thankful for me and most times i feel rather unworthy with how impatient and easily frustrated i can become. but their answers brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

today, i am thankful for the sheer thankfulness of a 5-year-old, and their unassuming honesty.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 2 - Prayer

2011-11-02T21:54:00.001-05:00

i am thankful for the privilege and the freedom to pray. when we want, where we want, how we want, and with whom we want. perhaps even more, i am thankful that we serve a God that hears our prayers, and answers them.

last night, i felt prompted to pray for a family i served with in Haiti. i found a verse in Ephesians that reminds us that God's love and resource are unlimited, and He is our source of strength. the verse asks for God's blessing of understanding of how high, how long, how wide and just how very deep His love is for us. that is an awesome thing. not only reading that in scripture, but knowing that those words were meant to encourage someone else in some season they may be walking through. although we have absolutely no idea what that season looks like for others, often times, the Lord uses us to encourage their hearts and grant a little extra strength in their step.

this morning, like most morning commutes, i had the privilege to lift my prayers to the Lord, as He has directed us to do (but, in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God- Phil. 4:6). i got to talk to the Lord, and share with Him the things that burden me. the people that I value, and the good things i desire for them. and the cool thing is, this vast, enormous, all-consuming God of this universe, hears the prayers of little 'ole me in Nashville, TN; with no credentials apart from being a repentant sinner and follower of Christ, and honors these prayers of intercession on behalf of people across the world in South Africa, Guatemala, Australia, Haiti and beyond! i am so stinkin' amazed that I don't even have to talk to these people around the world, nor do we even have to be together to make our requests known to the Lord, but that He hears the prayers of the righteous (Proverbs 15:29), and the fervent prayers of the righteous accomplish much! (James 5:16)

this afternoon, i had the honor and privilege and freedom of going before the Lord with two sweet, incredible women that i work with. our custodian, my haitian friend Lucita, is having surgery on her ankle tomorrow morning and will be out for a month. we had planned to pray over her in the afternoon, but she wasn't there, so the three of us met in a classroom and lifted her up to the Lord. even in her absence, i know that the Lord heard our prayers and that she will be protected and provided for over these next 5 weeks.

y'all, prayer is a mighty strong vessel in bringing our hearts closer to the shores of jesus. i would even argue that it is through prayer and submitting our hearts to Him through vulnerable humility (jesus, i can't do this alone, i need you), he climbs aboard that vessel and navigates the murky waters of this world.

i have decided ...

2011-11-01T22:12:00.001-05:00

it has been decided.

i will do thirty days of thankfulness.

is that even a thing? it may be; i'm not quite sure. regardless, i will make it a thing. and i will write about (at least) one thing every day that i am thankful for. meaning, i will find time to write, even on the days that i have no time to even eat. even if i simply post a 3 word phrase, i will post. discipline and commitment are not my strong-suits; jesus, grow me in them!

so, today, i am thankful for: jesus. plain and simple, jesus christ. i am thankful for his life as an example, his death as atonement, and his resurrection as an illustration of the transformation that occurs in our hearts and lives as we become followers of Christ.

what does a Christ-follower look like? the underlying beliefs that our parents usually pass on tell us that Christians don't lie, swear, smoke, or drink; nor do they hang out with those that do. if we look at the church, we could say Christians usually look like hypocrites, as we know all to well that we usually miss the mark, and don't live up to what we say we believe.

i would argue that Christ-followers should actually look like Christ. it may seem obvious, but in our flesh and citizens of this sinful world of me-me-me, we often forget we are supposed to be little Christs. it is ironic to me that a popular, satirical comedian would do a better job at understanding what Christ-followers should look like that those actually fleshing it out:

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.” --Stephen Colbert

Colbert gets it right on a few accounts, and i'm ashamed to admit that i am part of the guilty party he calls out here. first, the jesus of the bible talks a lot about the poor. namely, helping them as opposed to ignoring them. serving them, being one of them. even the beatitudes show us that the poor are among the blessed. i've seen it first hand in ethiopia and belize and haiti; the have-nots often have more joy and a better since of what it means to love thy neighbor than those of us haves. jesus has commanded us to love and serve the poor; our apathy is flagrant to those around us, namely those not a part of our Christendom. we give ourselves a bad name when we preach a God that we don't necessarily or willingly imitate. and Colbert is right to tell us it's time to admit we are lazy, or just don't want to do what we've been called to. it is time to own up to our faults.

so friends: believers, and unbelievers alike. i am sorry. i have failed. at representing Christ. at being salt and light in times i would rather be dark and bitter. i have failed at loving my neighbors well, or nearly enough. at expecting more and giving less than i should. at patience, oh dear Lord, i have failed at patience. i am often times selfish and proud, not selfless and humble like Christ. i have trouble forgiving as fully as He has forgiven me. i apologize for the sinner that I am, and how that taints the image of a magnificent, merciful, graceful Lord that we serve. i need to be a better example of Christ. not to earn salvation or forgiveness or work towards receiving the love and favor of the father. but to be a light in this world that so desperately needs a radical change. and i challenge you, brothers and sisters in Christ, to be radical in your faith, above the norm-- which is nothing more than a disappointment for those watching us. remember, it is not to puff ourselves up, or to make us better, or too look good in front of people. but we just might be the only Christ a person sees; and we need to make sure we are portraying more of the loving, merciful, serving, generous Jesus that we know Him to be.

i am thankful for the opportunity to grow in Christ, and to reflect His love daily. forgive me when I fail; I am only human, and because of that, I am destined to fail you. I will not live up to your expectations of me, but i can promise you that it is because of Jesus that I can get right back up and try again.

hope deferred.

2011-10-24T15:29:00.001-05:00

pulling in to what looked like an old, dilapidated camp retreat, engulfed in a faint orange glow, i thought to myself, "you've got to be kidding me. this is what i've signed up for this weekend? certainly, i've taken a wrong turn and wound up on the film set for 'psycho'." the campus looked abandoned at best, definitely not as if it was to host a church group of 80 or so women ... poor, defenseless women.

i find my way to the back of campus and check-in with a church volunteer who hands me a name badge and a key to my room. i've driven myself just an hour outside of nashville rather than carpooling, and i've seemed to arrive before the majority of the girls, even though i drove 15 miles north of the turn off because i didn't want to show up too early (and i've missed the mysterious, dark wind of a country road).

the room is quaint, much like a hotel minus the ammenities such as a tv, phone, or even an alarm clock. it held two double beds with dated, floral comforters, a dresser and a small desk and chair. the soaps were hand-me-down soaps from Comfort Inn Suites, and there weren't any of those precious little shampoos or conditioners around to ~~hoard~~ use.

i was early. i didn't know what to do. i am used to being busy. too busy, rushed-to-the-next-thing sort of busy. when would my roommates arrive? i knew one would be getting there after 9. i could sit? i could read? go downstairs and try to meet some new people? no, i'm alone at this point and had no one to fall back on.

so i sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out my bible and my journal. as i was rushing to get ready to leave, i went up into the attic to search for my bible. i know that sounds terrible, but ever since having an iphone, its been infinitely more convenient to carry with me. the bible app has highlighters, and places to bookmark and write notes with the reference tied to it. i can flip between different translations, and even read in French if I wanted to! (i don't want to). but, for some reason, I grabbed the tattered text from a box upstairs, and then grabbed a journal off a bookshelf used more for decor than as a burial for my most intimate thoughts.

i opened up the brown leather journal and looked back at my last entry. i didn't even recognize the print.

it was several letters from my team in ethiopia three years ago. I flipped through the letters and felt the Lord's presence whispering encouragement from beyond the brown kraft paper pages. for my sake, even now as i write this down, it's important for me once again to recount some nuggets of their wisdom and encouragement.

"Your enthusiasm and joy was contagious. You are a blessing and a wonderful woman of God."

"My Dallas-cohort, craft buddy, National Geographic photo-genius, spunky, "most-spirited" sister and friend. Thank you for being you and for sharing that beautiful person with all of us. You brought so much energy, insight and vitality to this little army. Remember, "patience, Yogi, patience. " You will have an incredible journey; do not let the storms overwhelm you. Keep your eyes on the prize, our Lord Jesus Christ. He will lead you. May you seek Him that your soul may live.

"You are an amazing girl and amazingly beautiful. I know God has awesome plans for you and I have seen your willingness to listen."

"What a joy! I paid attention everytime you opened your mouth b/c I know it came from the heart. Your observations and insights were keen. I loved hearing you pray and watching you serve. You are gifted in so many ways-- acting, photography, ministry."

"Your quiet strengths always amazed me. You are a joy to be around. I was inspired when I watched you with the kids. Thank you for showing me, and them, God's loving heart. You are an incredible photographer! Your pictures are works of art. I pray that God reveals to you what to do with your gift! I can't wait to see what it is!"

"All I can say is: What a blessing! Your sweet and sharing spirit were such an encouragement to me at the times I needed it most, even though you didn't realize it. You are such a skilled photographer and I love to see the way you experience (life) through photos. You have an explosive heart and personality and I can't wait to hear about the next step in the journey God is taking you on!"

"I remember meeting you at my house like 3 months ago. I was amazed at how serious/excited/passionate you were about this trip. I am so, so thankful I've gotten to know you beyond that May day. Your optimism and encouragement and conversation will always be in my mind as an example to follow. You really have been such a wonderful friend to have in such a crazy trip as this was."

"Girl, all I can say is that you have such an amazing passion for life and people. I was truly encouraged each day by the way you embrace culture and love everyone around you. It was such a blessing to be a part of that. I thank you for your love for Jesus- you will make a huge difference for the Kingdom in your life."

"I really enjoyed meeting you. The thing that I will remember the most about you is your sincerity. You are real! I will also remember your passion for the children, and how you played with them. Your prayers during these two weeks were from your heart, and they were a great blessing to me."

"The energy and love that you have is astounding. I was so amazed by your zealous attitued the first couple of days. I thought for sure you would tire out. But you never did. It's so amazing to see you fit in here. I look forward to hearing great things that you are going to accomplish in your life."

"Rhi, what to say? How about THANK YOU! First of all thank you so much for introducing me to a world that is so much different than that I'm used to. I don't think I've told you this, but I look up to you. I look up to the way you think, act, and share your heart! Thank you for ... just being yourself, that outstanding, fun-loving person. I am so happy and grateful that you have become a part of my life. I'm going to need to lean on your positive attitude in the coming days, I know you'll be there for me. I can not put into words what your friendship has meant to me."

I am not the person that re-tweets compliments about their self. but these encouraging words were words my dry soul needed to hear, and hear again, to sink in. I sat there as tears filled my eyes reading this. not because of the "nice things" that were being said, but the terrible realization that the illustration of the person they were casting did not resemble much of the women I have been seeing in the mirror lately. in Proverbs 16:24, the writer tells us that "Pleasant words are like honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones." these words were oh-so-sweet, and did help to strengthen my frail bones, weakened through fatigue and spiritual malnourishment. I had lost sight of the girl they had painted in this portrait of words.

and in His tender way, He used these words not to condemn me or make me feel as if I had, once again, failed. rather, He used these words to encourage me and light the path back to the fullness of who He had created me to be. I jotted this prayer of thanksgiving down on the next empty page of my journal.

"Lord, you are moving., (yet) you are constant. my heart cries out for more of your beauty. not much has changed in these last eight years. thank you for reminding me of my beauty in You. how loving you and serving you is not shackles to my soul, but rather, they ignite passion and love within my heart. You are Lord of ALL and are plentiful with your love and blessings. humble me, break me, heal me, and use me. make me to live to the fullness of your Love."

As the tears fell, I thought of the retreat's theme: Living Water. I was feeling His living water revive my heart, my passions, my path. It was pouring from my eyes as I witnessed a reminder of my joy in Him. we were created for so much more in this life than to just do and get and accomplish. we were created for true, irrevocable joy in Our Father's love, and fullness of who He has created us to be.

so to my friends from Africa, it has been years. and although we haven't kept in touch like we anticipated, your words have stuck with me, and the Lord has used them, even today, to encourage my heart. thank you for your love and for your prayers, distant or not, they have spoken life and fullness over me, and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought them into fruition even over 1000 days after they have been spoken.

still.

2011-10-24T09:14:00.001-05:00

it is 8:58 on Monday morning, and I am in my PJ's still in bed. i hear the faint chirp of a few birds high in the trees above my window, and sunlight is all but peaking in through the white panels of my curtains.

normally at this time, i am running from place to place, trying to make sure this is copied, that is die-cut, these have been laminated, and responding to my emails from the night before. but not today.

i took a personal day today. after spending another 4 hours up at the school last night, i got EVERYTHING prepared and organized for this week, wrote up plans for a sub that aren't just filler plans, but actually teaching plans, very close to what we would be doing if I were there. i've ascertained that these kiddos will NOT be missing out today. and I had to do that very carefully, or the guilt of taking a personal day would really make it not worth it. and i don't take these days lightly.

this weekend, and it will be reflected in many posts to come, i went on our women's retreat with church. it was fabulous and it made me wish i lived in a little world in which every weekend was a women's retreat (minus the fact it would be like paying a second rent, and then some). but i came home with a sort of spiritual hang-over, dreading life as the normal, and still craving some time with the Lord, but not as it had been in the presence of others. i had to take this day to make it through the next four.

I was thinking of all the things i could do on my day off, like hang out at a coffee shop, or go to the gym, or clean my house. And honestly, those are all great things that need to be done. but all I want to do is to spend some time with Jesus, weeping at His feet. many can worship through song, but that is not my talent. I love to worship through writing, so I plan to do a lot of that today too.

this is clearly the most ill-composed entry, so its clear to me it's time to wrap it up. i don't want anyone to read this and worry about me! this is just some necessary time with the Lord! it's not about depression or anything like that, its taking some time now to do some soaking so i can pour out more effectively throughout the next few weeks.

i just need to be still.

2011-10-20T22:32:00.002-05:00

funny story. well, sort of. more sweet than funny. pun intended. and perhaps, quite shameful.

a little one in my class came in with a bag full of individually packaged, homemade brownies yesterday. as a half day, we didn't have anyone bringing snack, and she asked to pass them out to the class. so at lunch, i allowed her to, only to realize we came up three short (confession. i ate one. don't tell. i didn't realize we were going to be short, but we still would've been even if i hadn't). she broke her brownie into four pieces and shared with the three girls at her table. without one complaint from any of them. in fact, i only saw gratitude and enjoyment from these sweet ones.

within 10 minutes, i find the note from her mother in her binder (that she did not turn in in the morning!): "her father made the brownies for the PTO bake sale. couldn't remember if it was today or tomorrow. thanks!"

uh-oh.

on the upside, the brownies were delicious and super moist. maybe even made with pumpkin or applesauce or some super unhealthy version of lard only used by the best of chefs. but perhaps even more important than the 4 or so dollars these brownies would have raised at the bake sale was the fact I got to witness, for perhaps the first time for this little girl, a selfless act of serving her peers. and i was reminded of Jesus. and this week, i need as many reminders of Christ to ward off this nagging enemy of defeat that keeps trying to drag me down. if nothing else, i saw the beginnings of a life that favors others over self, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing to witness in the life of a child.

Try again tomorrow.

2011-10-17T22:39:00.001-05:00

I didn't do so well with not hating Mondays. Or mornings. Or getting up when I was supposed to. I also didn't do so well with patience and grace, when a few of my little ones weren't deserving yet were in dyer need of it. How do you teach respect and do-as-I-say if you are always patient and graceful when they knowingly push the envelope hard and try to walk all over me? At what point should I decide learning to deal with authority supersedes my ability to freely give grace? I want to be more like Jesus, but some days, it's just flat out hard y'all.

So tomorrow, I try again. This time while juggling report cards going home, finishing a few last minute grading, and sitting under the scrutiny of my principal for an hour long observation! I'm so nervous. Even when I gave God my anxiety this morning.

So tomorrow, I try again.

yes, yes Lord.

2011-10-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm trading my sorrows,
I'm trading my shame.
I'm laying them down, for the joy of the Lord.

I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my pain.
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord.

We say, yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord.
Yes, Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord.
Yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes Lord, Amen.

i started singing this for no reason leaving my house earlier. and i thought to myself, what can i trade in for joy? what can i lay down at the cross where my sin was atoned for, to be covered in His blood and redeemed?

is it my impatience? my disdain for waking up in the morning? my frustrations with my neighbor and their friends outside of my window as i try to go to sleep? can i lay down my anxiety over getting everything done this week? over making sure my report cards are accurate and complete? the dread of my evaluation on Tuesday and the painstakingly monotonous process of writing my lesson plan? what about the uneasiness that takes over before parent conferences on Thursday? can i lay that down too?

so often, we choose to tote around our baggage. i know i am guilty of griping when it seems like too much heavy stuff is on my plate. i'm not sure why grumbling and complaining about the negatives makes us feel better about them. if i'm being an idealist, maybe it's our way of at least acknowledging them rather than naively pretending that they don't exist. if i'm being a realist, maybe we simply enjoy the pity, even if it's from our own lips directed at our self.

so Jesus, tonight as i set my 5:35 alarm, i'm laying down my grumblings and asking you to create a renewed joy within my heart when i wake. remind me how blessed i am to serve a Father who loves me so dearly; children, whom you love so dearly, and to have faith that you are with me wherever and whatever i find myself. i'm trading my anxieties for your strength and your joy, Lord.

it's genetics.

2011-10-14T18:01:00.000-05:00

by the grace of God, i've somehow managed to escape a family history of clinical depression, addictions and mental health issues. but today, i realized a genetic pre-disposition i have thanks to my father:

wanderlust.

no one is surprised that is in my list of character traits. but until today, i never realized just how much i am my father's daughter.

"well ... if i sell the house in Costa (Rica), I'm going to buy in Florence, Italy."

wait, what?

As far as I know, my father has never even been to Europe, much less a specific town in Italy. more-so, he's not even considering selling his house (that is paid for in full), in Costa Rica. one i have yet to visit, and i am certain that one of these days he will drop off the grid and silently sink into an early retirement incognito as an ex-pat on the Pacific coast of the country.

my daddy works as a tug-boat captain for a company that tows dredging operations and pipeline down the entire atlantic coast, does work in the gulf, or the louisiana delta. he spends 33 days on the boat, and has 14 off; a week of which he spends in Costa Rica, reliving his second childhood, or perhaps midlife crisis. and i totally get it. if i could, i would do it too. this quarter-life crisis is pretty difficult, too.

his citizenship is US, and if he ever moved long term, he would have to come back every 3 months for visa reasons. he has yet to make that move, even though he could have jobs lined up doing fishing charters and living out his dream, because he still wants to be close to my younger half-sister and my niece (his only grandchild). i get that too. i really do.

but throwing in a random comment about moving to Italy?

now, that is so me. it practically mimics the identity crisis i've been writing/talking/praying about for the past month or so, down to my latest random desire (and item on my 3-year timeline i created) to move to London.

suddenly, it all makes sense. in the words of Gaga, "baby, i was born this way."

bullets of blessing

2011-10-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

tonight, as i head to bed much later than usual or preferred, i reflect on blessings from this week; namely the ones that have helped me to maintain a level of sanity that isn't considered clinically insane:

vibrant, thriving, adult (praise-jesus, i-only-socialize-with-5-year-olds-all-day-and-needed-this-desperately) conversations. literally, hours worth for each of the past three nights.
catching up with friends from haiti. we haven't spoken a ton since then, but when we do, it is as if we were still sharing hot dogs and tropical diseases in 100 degree heat.
4 words: pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. nearly an entire batch. don't judge.
seeing snip-its of the Lord moving boulders in hearts that are seeking redemption.
the ability to revamp lessons on-the-fly. pumpkin sink-or-float was a HUGE hit, thank-you-cafeteria-staff! and making 3-d pumpkins with sight words on them? literally happened in a moment! that book on pumpkin parts today... hmm, maybe not doing much for my sanity there.
my kinders and the little-tiny ways they remind me that i *love* what i do (sometimes), (if we're being honest here). For example:

trying to explain what "genetic makeup" means to A. who asked me to explain DNA.
my sweet B. who is always so eager to do her work, clean her table, do "read-to-self" or "work on writing." today she said, "what are we doing next? please don't say recess." a 5 year old that would rather be in my class working than on the playground? thank you jesus.
B. also gave up her rest time to clean everyone's desk, so "everyone can get a skittle for having a clean table." servant. i love her more and more every day.
C.'s hugs. like, 45 a day.
my sweet, sweet, cate from last year that makes me feel like a beautiful, wonderful queen of the world, and lit-ter-al-ly runs me down and tackles me every morning, and most afternoons. Such a reminder that my impact goes beyond the 176 they are in the class. thank you jesus.
K. and his humor. "this doesn't even make any sense!" he says emphatically, when we sit on a different bleacher for the first time all year in gym this week.
my sweet little A., whom after a friend fell over a chair and got upset said, "it's okay. we just need to pray for him." i die.
sweet C. choosing to give up her super-sleeper rainbow-reader sleep spot to another super sleeper today. y'all that is coveted, and she chose to give it up! selfless!
my A., who came in pretty low as far as comprehension, academics, and processing-- watching him make connections like crazy lately! -- johnny can spell (phonics), and left and right, i'm astounded at each discovery!
watching my kinders FREAK OUT about pumpkin-goo (pulp) today! they LOVED putting their hand inside the pumpkin!!!
even making this list is reminding me that i have an amazing group of kids, and i need to see them as such. they are learning to love and serve each other, and that is more priceless than learning the life cycle of a pumpkin. good thing; we didn't quite make it to that this week. #hopetheygetcaughtuponthefieldtriptomorrow!
a clean desk 3 out of 4 days this week! (well, mostly clean. totally clean would be batting 1000, and let's be realistic here.)

God-ravaging my heart through morning prayer, and encouraging me and giving me peace through wonderful, life-breathing conversations with christina, bryan, leah, colt & kevin. and i don't name drop in blogs, so y'all need to know how much you've each blessed me this week!! and thank you jesus that you've created and connected leah and i, because she really got me and understood (and encouraged!) the post-haiti, identity crisis i'm experiencing!
my lovely haitian custodian. and our talks in french. and that, without even thinking about it, she asked me what the name of my favorite food i ate in haiti was, and i answered crepe sale. sah-lay. it's coming more second nature, less meditation on the words! she's bring me rice and bean sauce on monday *if God wills*. i love her. she is a sweet heart. I'm bringing her pumpkin muffins tomorrow. i hope she likes jumoo. or however it is spelled.
the half-a-loaf of bread i've eaten with nutella for breakfast this week. it has made waking up early *almost* a little more bearable. and diet coke. don't judge. we all have our vices.

Handstands

2011-10-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

i promise i am not trying to take over your RSS feed.

but God just spoke to me. in cheerleader.

cheerleader, you ask? yep. He speaks that, too.

i don't even know how it started. i think, with a high kick. because perfectly sane people walk around their house (bedroom) doing high-kicks.

i chuckled, and scanned my walls. with the bed in the middle of the room, there isn't much free space. but there, if i closed my door... there's a hanging shoe rack. hmm. but there. the corner. there's nothing. and about 4 feet from the corner of the bed.

so, i did a hand stand.

after i led off my left leg, like always, it sort of pulled. okay, i get it. my 27-year-old body has very little on my 17-year-old self that used to do all sorts of crazy contortionist moves. but still, that out of shape?

i chuckled as i did a few more. and for no other reason aside from insanity, i decided, after at least 17 years of hand-standing against walls, i would try to lead with my right foot.

it was clumsy at first. and as my toes met at top-point, my left leg came down faster than my right went up. so i did it again. and low and behold, i didn't collapse on my face.

i stood in ready-position (toe pointed, hands above head) and looked in the mirror to my side and started laughing. a 27-year-old woman, in her empty house, doing handstands against the corner of her bedroom with the curtains wide open. dressed in a shirt i've had since high-school, dated Spring Break '85. this is just too comical to me. i swear i don't do this on a regular basis.

but God totally knew what He was doing. after no less than 20 handstands, i felt joy in my heart. and wisdom from a sage: after 17 years, you've done things this one way. in 5 minutes you changed everything, learned to lead opposite, and tried things a new way. and lo-and-behold, it worked. trust me. new is scary, but you won't (always) fall and land on your head. you can learn to do things you never dreamed of doing. things you never thought you could do differently. I am the wall behind you, I will steady you. I will keep you from tumbling backwards. I will remind you that with Me, everything on that secret-dreams list is possible. Scary, yes. But so was your first handstand. and you survived the scar on your leg where #152 cut to the bone. and you survived this one; 17 years later. I am with you. I will never leave you. Do not be discouraged, dismayed, or terrified. I have conquered fear by the cross. you were meant to live in freedom. to handstand. to cartwheel. to high-kick your way to heaven. find your joy in Me. and kick-off, this time with your right foot.

inspired handstanding.

thank you for that, Lord.

a book, some doubts, and a whole lot of rabbit trails.

2011-10-08T17:45:00.000-05:00

i am not the type to dog-ear book pages. i personally find it tacky and rude. that page becomes immortalized, as the book flips open to there as if it were better than any other page in the book. and that just isn't so.

i do, however, highlight and underline in a way that you would think i get paid for each word emboldened by bic.

but today, i might as well just rip out pages 54 and 55 in what the heck am i doing with my life, because i've already done both of the aforementioned. and seeing how my last post was on the simplicity of just being (in case you missed the french translation of etre), the dog-earring of this page served as a last-straw of sorts, in which drove me to get my laptop and begin to write. well, that and the sweat soaking through the back of my shirt, the mozzi bites all over my legs, and the skin underneath my nails from scratching through my skin's pigment.

i digress.

a few days ago, or yesterday, i don't quite remember, i wrote a frantic post (and a 3-year plan in timeline format; neither of which i posted) about some swells in my heart that we're really causing a lot of doubt and a subsequent, frantic-free-fall-flail in which i felt like Alice falling into the rabbit hole and grabbing for sense of anything. and to be honest, i know this feeling. it is how i've wound up in haiti, and africa, and nashville. i'm not quite fond of the feeling, even if the fruit it brings to surface are rather sweet.

regardless, the prayer in my heart and on my lips and from my knees and in liquid form by way of my eyes is that God would search my heart, the heart that He created, and reveal to me some mystical plan for my life that aligns my passions (God-given passions, in case you need any reminding Jesus...) and His call on my life (i swore i heard teaching bright as day when he first humbled me and brought me out of journalism and into the sphere of education; but now, am wondering if i've mis-heard Him-- which I was certain, so it couldn't really be a mis-hearing... so why all this doubt now? aside from the fact i want to run as fast as i can away from the profession at times.... neither here nor there, and clearly the debate within my heart is so back and forth that i am truly wrestling with it on a day-to-day basis, so there's really no need to consider any of that right now). moving on.

i cried to jesus on thursday (thursday? sure. sounds good), and made the same petition to Him about my heart feeling drawn in a million different ways towards a one-day *dream-job*, and really what that looks like. so much of me wants to get back to Haiti and the simplicity, and really that is where a lot of the frustrations arise, because it ultimately boils down to financial obligations and student-debt ... which is where the ball gets rolling in the way of how to get there in the most financially-savvy way.

then the other side of my heart is jealous. the other side of my heart, that was realized over 20 years ago, loves the world. not the materialistic world, but the actual globe full of people (although, material goods don't exactly turn me off to life!). i love cultures, and embrace all things new, and love language and literature and the way brits and aussies pronounce literature, and for as long as i can remember, i've desired to live abroad. not to be part of fashion week in Paris, or re-live a second college-experience in London, or pretend to be someone I'm not in Sydney. i don't want to get caught up in "culture" in Amsterdam, or become one with the insects in Thailand. i have simply admired the differences across the vast globe, and love how God created so many different types of people and places and horizons and cuisines and languages and capacities for communicating beyond all of the above! i long to experience more of what He has created, and loved!

as Americans (myself included, as i hold the title for patriotism among my group of friends!), we have a pretty narrow scope of the world. sure, we know the difference between authentic mexican and tex-mex, can tell from a person's first few words if they were born southern by God's good grace or are from the great white north (anything north of the mason-dixon might as well be canada), and we are fortunate enough that our country is so vast that much of the landscape varies from state-to-state. but embracing differences, loving beyond language barriers, giving up our sense of entitlement and learning that we are pretty lucky to be able to work how we want and believe what we want to believe? those are pretty tough pills to swallow-- yet, i thrive in these situations.

some people get itchy feet; i, rather, have a life-long case of hives (literally, and figuratively. don't worry, they aren't contagious or fatal). i don't think i will ever feel "completed" by a place, or completely at home in a country or town. i don't think we were created to. we know that this life is temporal. we know that this is not truly our home. we even know that as Christians, living in this world (regardless of location) often feels like going against the grain or rubbing the wrong way. this is the only life we get to have the opportunity to experience as much of God's creation as we can.

all of that said (and i'm not sure why all of that is said; this post was supposed to be about a passage i read in a book!), the part of my heart opposite of wanting to forego being a missionary and living in Haiti, is a part that wants to just up and move to another country! (wait, i think i skipped a step. i did. the whole being-called-into-missions step. yeah, haven't necessarily gotten that call. but i just feel that that's the direction i'm being lead in. maybe, i feel guilt in a sense, that i'm not a missionary. i know guilt is NOT of the Father. i know that He does not desire in any way to guilt us into anything. that is never His MO. but if there is anywhere to be honest as i collect my thoughts, it is here. because this is sort of a half-step in between hiding my emotions and vocalizing my thoughts so that they become real.
anyway, this post is all over the place! can't you get why it's that much harder for me to sort it out on my own in my heart and mind?! geesh, during this post alone i've already come inside, researched and written a week's worth of lesson plans, revamped my school-day schedule, and found some good tunes on Spotify. i am so ADD. i can not focus for more than 5 minutes, and if i am, i am thinking about everything else i need to do, and try to do it simultaneously. wow. self-discovery much. flawed. many times over.

this has turned too far in the direction of a diary entry, so i either need to turn this ship back to harbor or abandon it all together. let's try for the former.

what was i saying? oh, yes. haiti vs. the world. missionary in poverty vs. letting God minister to my heart through the world, while likely remaining in poverty myself.

i guess my question is this: is it wrong? to have dreams and hopes and to go after them? is it wrong if i am sincerely trying to make sure they first align with the Lord's plans for me? can i only serve in missions? in haiti? or is it possible to be used while fulfilling additional dreams? who says that won't bring me back to haiti with increased fervor, knowing that i've experienced much of the world, and my heart remains tightly intertwined with the Lord's for Haiti.

regardless, the point is this:
   "if God knows everything-- including my car key's latest location-- then certainly he knows a thing or two about the future.
   "The God factor should be the biggest factor in determining 'What the heck am I going to do with my life?' because God is ultimately the One who knows you best. The Bible says He fashioned you in your mother's womb (Isaiah 44:2; Psalm 139:13-16) and designed every detail of your DNA. He knows your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, God knows the environments in which you will develop, grow and become more like Him.
   "Part of God's nature is that he is a shepherd. He is a guide. James 1:5 is shooting straight when it says if we're at a loss for what to do, we're to go to God who gives wisdom generously. James goes so far as to say that God will not only provide the wisdom but do it without finding fault. In other words, God's grace and love cover us when we've lost our way.
   "By nature, God wants to offer guidance, but recognizing the different ways he speaks and leads isn't always easy. It begins with asking God for direction. That may seem like a pretty small step, but it requires big faith and quite a bit of humility ... Asking God for help implies that we don't have all the answers. It acknowledges that we are not in control of our own lives and we are dependent on someone else for guidance. Asking God for direction is an expression of humility, and according to that verse in James, He can't help but respond. When you are asking God for direction, you have to remember to stay put long enough to listen for an answer." (What the Heck Am I Going to Do With My Life? -- Margaret Feinberg)

40 pages prior, i read this quotation from one of the illustrations in the book:

"There I was again, wondering what in the world I wanted to be and do and a bit frustrated to be in that place again. I began ferently praying and seeking God's direction and knew that--(page turn)-- even though I had no idea, he had formed and made me and knew the answers I was searching for. So I prayed and waited."

if you've ever re-read a book you've read once (or twice, or three times... well, started to read at least), you might have noticed that you tend to read a little more passively, as in a oh-i-remember-this-from-last-time-okay-moving-on sort of way. after i read that passage, i felt the Lord say to my heart, Go back. Read that again. You need to think about what she is saying. and so i did. and i analyzed the key-words: fervently praying; seeking God's direction; He made me, He knew me. prayed. waited. have i been good at all of that lately? to be honest to myself and to my readership of 1, not all that good at it. sure, i've been praying. in a toss-up-my-hands and bury-my-head sort of way. but really waiting for the Lord on it? no. i've been too busy drafting timelines and three-year-plans.

certainly, i trust that the God of the universe, that created us all very alike and all very different, yet all in His image, loves us enough to not let us wander in the desert without direction (when we seek it. it was a different story for the idol-worshipping Israelites; Lord, don't let my heart be turned to an idol of any form, including serving others, haiti, the world, my dreams!). I'll even go one step further and say that He created us, and loved what He saw. Of all the world, He said His creation was good. but of us, He saw that His creation was very good. He created us distinctly unique, with a passions and a purpose to fulfill for His glory. I find great comfort, even in these moments as i remind myself, in knowing that I can plan my path, but He will guide my steps. He will not allow even a detailed, self-decided timeline to derail me from the plans He has for me.

teach. save. go. then go, teach and save. Lord, you are so good. for you is the kingdom, and power, and glory, forever. amen.

être.

2011-10-08T14:31:00.001-05:00

I feel
The warm sun, Poking holes in the trees, dancing from behind it's shadows upon my dry skin, leaving a touch of dewy moisture.
I hear the sound of skill saws and weedeaters; the subtle rustle of the leaves that skip side-over-side down the asphalt; the chirpchirpchirp of crickets getting an early start before dusk.
I smell
The scent of fresh cut wood. And grass. And the salty-sweaty scent the sun accumulates upon my skin.
I see fall all around me: the shorter days, the drifting leaves, the waning tan from my legs. It's a front-porch sit with a book I've tried to read three times now.
I am the transition between fiery sun and cool apathy. I am one-eye-closed reading; my heart half here and half there; my mind half-present in reality, half-meandering in dreams. I taptaptap my toes to a song that's not playing on Colorado today. I read and I think and I write, then I crumble it up and throw it away. The dissonance is frustrating on it's best day. But today, it seems irrelevant.
Today, je suis être. je dois être. And the tiny sweat-bee that lands on my knee must be okay with that. Because I am not moving from here.

some days you just have to...

2011-10-06T17:40:00.002-05:00

i woke up this morning with my only intent on going to the school to clean, organize, and work on plans for next week. let's just say, i didn't leave my house until nearly 1 p.m. and didn't quite make it out of town. i'm quite okay with it.

i am going to be mighty sad at the end of this break, as it was slightly reminiscent of summer: galavanting at all hours of the eve, seeing friends from home two weekends in a row, staying up til near dawn discussing God and life and the demons that we face. i've felt friendships flourish like none-other, and to be real honest, i've felt more like myself than i have in a good long time. i've gotten back behind the camera, and awoke long after the sun. today, i even DIY-ed a project i've been wanting to do since i moved in ... in MAY! i've officially registered my car in Tennessee ... 4 and 1/2 years later. and i cleaned the baseboards in the hallway (baby steps, people!).

this break reminds me that what i do (job) does not define or limit who i am (person). during the school year, it is hard to believe anything does or can exist outside of the realm of the classroom. my social life certainly doesn't. my sleep patterns fully revolve around my job, as does any friendships i fail to maintain fully. yet, i've realized this year (partially because last year i didn't have the time or sanity to), that the more i let my career dictate every other aspect of my life, the more miserable i become with it. this is some sort of sudden epiphany that this rhetorical conversation has brought me to.

i am not saying that you should not love what you do or be dutifully dedicated to it. however, if you only ate rice for every meal of the day for every day of the year, you most certainly would become sick of rice (i assume, at least; unless you're asian or haitian. they love them some rice. i digress.).

i must make me more of a priority during this school year. not in a neglectful way, in which i become apathetic about what i do. but honestly, the more i do only school related things, the more apathetic i become in response to it. the more bland the rice tastes, that i'd just rather not eat at all.

so today, i challenge myself to put one thing on my to-do list each week that i enjoy doing. schedule a time for it, and don't push it to the back burner. don't get caught up in the already-scheduled items like church and bible study and monday night dinners, rather take some time, go to a coffee shop and read a book. rent a dvd from red box. get out my sewing patterns and make something festive for the fall. not everything on my to-do has to be about getting stuff done; that is no way to live life.

where the Spirit of the Lord is ... there is FREEDOM

2011-10-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

i want to approach this entry with integrity and gentleness, avoiding blame, condemnation, or disrespecting anyone. my entire intent is to capture the movement of the Holy Spirit in the lives of myself and several of my friends, while not glamorizing or exploiting the spiritual battles endured by one or many. in fact, quite the opposite; i hope this will only memorialize a turning point in which this spiritual warfare was recognized, as were the perfect-in-His-own-way timing and appointments.

there is no easy way to write this in truth and vulnerability, while trying to preserve that same vulnerability and display the glory of the Lord. i know we must choose the most loving thing to do at all times, and i struggle with putting that as a higher priority than declaring God's goodness and glory, and falter in how, or even if, i should write any of this down. but i am a writer, a recorder of fact and emotion; a proclaimer of truth and the Good News of grace and mercy found at the feet of the cross. i can not squelch that-- it would not be true to me, nor fair to the Holy Spirit. so i pray, even right now as i type this, that He would direct and guide my words, that He would search my heart and allow bias to fall to the wayside and approach His throne with humility, grace, forgiveness, and sensitivity. i am a repentant sinner; i am human, and i fail. often. i am not even close to perfect. i am flawed by the condition of sin, by pride and selfishness just like the rest of us. but each day, i am striving to look more and more like a portrait of jesus from 2000 years ago than a snapshot of who i was just yesterday.

i think that Laura Story's new song, Blessings, might be the simplest way to describe what my heart is currently feeling.

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this heart,
That this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

this song came on on my way home this morning. not only did i find it a vocal interpretation of my heart's emotion, but i also found it to be an interpretation of the hope i have for a friend that is enduring a desperately dark time in their spiritual life right now. i was moved to tears as i prayed that they would be able to reconcile their struggles to the Lord, and understand that as security and stability are stripped away, that the Lord is purging everything from their life in order to be the only thing in their life. i pray and ask that though these thousand sleepless nights are on the cusp, that they would not be rendered useless suffering, but rather a necessary, divine intervention drawing a hopeless heart to the throne room of God to hash it out with Him alone.

last night, in a bizarre turn of events, i witnessed the Lord move in miraculous ways. in spite of what looked like a terrifying and painful series of events, the Lord was using every last detail, proving to me that truly ALL things work together for the good of those that believe and trust in Him. to know that he could use the brokenness and bitterness and hurt and negativity even for His glory and our good astounds me. even enduring verbal attacks and the vapid deconstruction of a close friendship, i witnessed the Lord in ways that i feign trying to explain beyond the silent fall of tears. in my humanness, i failed a friend. in their humanness, they had elevated me to a place of expected perfection that only the Lord can serve in. in our collective failure, i believe i played witness to the enemy throwing arrows to the weakened part of their soul; filling their thoughts with lies, deceit, worthlessness, hopelessness, and a feeling of abandonment. in my attempt to do what was right, i left them even more hurting than they were before.

i've had moments where i, too, have not been in my right mind; and i feel as if i can readily recognize it when i see it because it can look so much like how i've known my own flesh to become. witnessing someone i know well experience one of these times, i was able to recognize that they were acting outside of their character, personality, and what i know their heart to resemble. as the enemy's attack begin to manifest in their thought and speech, i found myself retreating in fear, rather than standing firm and declaring truth. it was beyond my capacity at that point. but what is even more miraculous, is that the Lord knew that. He moved swiftly and His presence was powerfully felt. even in spite of everything we did to mess it up, He had ordained every single last detail, fully cementing to me that this was all a spiritual battle in which He intends to win; He is fighting for the heart and soul of His dear child, and the enemy is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch attempt to keep his hands tightly around them. there is no question in my mind that we were all witnessing a glimpse of the spiritual realm manifested in the events, which was both terrifying and enlightening and comforting all in the same breath. although there was no tangible evidence, the palpable presence of the Lord and His hand moving over this situation was real. He had ordained every last detail, even the most minute and seemingly monotonous ones: the perfect timing and sequencing of events; the venue and crowd that laid witness; the spiritual conversation that primed the hearts and minds; a spirit of non-judgment and a discerning spirit that this was a spiritual battle taking place; the detail of a friend that had taken today off work, which made the whole gathering possible. down to even my forfeit of the deterioration of the friendship in which i could no longer try to hold its fragile sides together in a windstorm. the Lord used each person in such a unique way, and getting a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what He is doing was a humbling, awesome experience.

whether they realize it yet or not, God was tearing down walls, humbling and exposing the vulnerable parts of a jaded, guarded heart. the Spirit was piercing their heart with a tender conviction that, if nothing less, began to let go of ill-directed blame and approach the heart of the matter. the Lord used an unsuspecting acquaintance to pray over and speak truth into this tortured heart, and a dear friend to pour out truth and rebuke with love, but without walking on eggshells to avoid hurting feelings. on the other side of the walls, i had friends surrounding me with prayers, love, truth, and encouragement; affirming that by standing on the foundation of the Lord and His integrity that I was not to bear this burden. (not looking to be "right." or cleared from guilt. but just in knowing i was doing the right thing, even if it was hurting someone else or if in the process my feelings had been hurt). just even the Lord providing friends and stories of His goodness and His kingdom expanding from around the globe; it was exactly what I needed to think about what is good and noble and true, as we are directed to do in His word.

and after the dust from this battle began to settle, getting to come together as a group of close friends and lift up one of our own in prayer, covering them in protection and seeking the softening of their heart to be open to fresh revelation of His Spirit and His will. we warred for them in prayer, declaring promises from the Word, and asking for God to use even this painful and difficult situation for His glory. it was so Spirit-led. THIS moment reinforced authentic community; carrying our brothers and sisters to the cross when the enemy has left them injured in a field to die alone. THIS is what fellowship is for, why we laugh and eat together, why we learn the intricacies of life with each other, so that when satan is attacking, we can be the church and provide truth and light and point to Jesus. THIS is why we learn to love and trust each other, so that when we need it, or need to offer it, grace and mercy, justice and forgiveness can be poured out through our hands by the Grace of the Lord. God presented us with an opportunity last night to pursue peace in His name, to declare victory in His name. and although we are left weary, and this is only one intense battle in a lifetime journey of warfare, we can stand and say we witnessed the Lord step in, almost in spite of our inability to do anything on His behalf, and minister to the heartbroken and the struggling to survive. beyond that, we witnessed revival in our small group that had been nothing more than a dwindling bunch of people God chose and used as they lingered around after a game night.

i am humbled by a great and mighty God that would move heaven and earth to be in relationship with us. that would love us so much as to remove everything else from our lives that would get in our way of a right-relationship with Him. a God so passionate about us that He would work even the hardest of hearts into tears, that He would move the most stubborn of voices into a peaceful moment of listening. a God so not in need of anything we have to offer, that He could take our failures and turn them into opportunity, yet still bless us with the opportunity to see His Spirit at work. this is the God i serve. a real, living, true God! He is RISEN! He is ALIVE! He is FIGHTING FOR US when we can not raise the sword! He is waring over us, protecting us from much of the unseen. and He is so generous to give us a glimpse of His pursuit of us. Thank you Jesus, for using our brokenness for your glory and our good. Thank you for seeing our imperfections and using us in the lives of others anyway. thank you Father for allowing me to witness you move. i declare your goodness and glory, your truth and righteousness, your sovereignty over this situation and all things. Amen.

and He saw that it was good.

2011-09-27T22:23:00.001-05:00

the Lord has been stirring in my heart today in the most lovely of ways. at each thought of his love and mercy, with each song resounding of His grace poured out over us, undeservingly; with each moment i felt Him intimately pursuing the depths of my heart.

i can't explain it, but i'm up for a challenge, so i'll try. as i've thought about His goodness and lovingkindness today, i've felt my insides crumble. not in a walls-of-jericho sort of way, but more like a wobbly-knees sort of way. not crumble out of fear, anxiety, or the weight of all my sin. but more like becoming undone as His love is manifest within my spirit.

each song that came across pandora today, and there were too many to recount, played to my subconscious as a transcendent reminder from heaven that we are to meditate on that which is true, righteous, noble, and good. He absolutely is enamored with each of us, and has created us to fulfill a unique purpose that only we can fulfill.

i attended the wedding of a guy i've been good friends with for about 9 years now this past weekend in Florida. it was a glorious, enchanting wedding, set on the shores of a private lake in the backyard of the bride's family ranch in central florida. it was country as country comes; rather, as elegant as country comes, and then some. bales of hay and burlap replaced church pews or folding chairs. the alter was simply a few tree stumps supporting the unity candle and some mason-jar centerpiece decor. the bridesmaids all wore seersucker (and it looked lovely, might i add!), and changed from formal footwear into cowboy boots for the after-ceremony photo-shoot with the photographer. but the jaw-dropper was the bride (did i mention how stunning, flawless, and gorgeous she was?!) and her father arrived to the aisle in a white, horse-drawn carriage? it was simply out of a fairy tale.

i'd be lying (and denying that i am, indeed, in fact, a female) if i said this romance straight out of the pages of the likes of disney (i'd say shakespeare if it weren't for all the satire and suicide) didn't have me wondering when my own prince would ride in on his white horse and pledge to love me forever.

but the truth is, He already has.

hang with me here for a second as my brain rabbit trails to make a point (i promise, there will be a point buried beneath the behemoth tangent(s) to come):

remember Jonah? you know, that whole whale-thing? what got him in the belly of a whale anyway? oh, running from God; call it disobedience, call it sin, call it sheer-terror-of-what-God's-will-held, so-he-ran-the-opposite-way-and-God-caught-up-- oh you've never done that? right. regardless of what you call it, this illustrates God's relentless love for us, elevating His will over our own. you see, He knows every little intimate detail of your life-- past, present, and all to come. and He loves each of us so much, that He would rather find us in the belly of a whale to bring us back to where He wants us, than pursuing opposite, or even anything other than, what He has specifically called us to. that my friends, is passionate pursual by a God with our best interest in mind. it was under His grace, mercy, and love that He sent the fish to swallow up Jonah. have you ever found yourself lying in the belly of a whale? on the corrective path? slightly ashamed that it took something like that to return your heart to its proper suitor?

in an effort to love us, God wants His best for us. not our standards of what we believe to be best. not something "really great" we invent in our hearts and hold onto like a tattered picture that is now not much more than a faint memory. He wants His God-ordained best for us. and the truth is, only He truly knows what that is until He releases it into our stewardship and care.

that sort of love is our Prince Charming coming to rescue us from what looks like our fairy tale, but often turns up to be a second-rate version of someone else's love story. as we wait for our own love story to unfold, God pursues our heart, relentlessly, without tarry, never giving up from us even if we shy away, or run completely opposite of Him. sometimes that pursual looks like a tender romance with our creator, other times, the belly of a fish.

fortunately, this time, I'm not finding myself in the ocean for three days. rather, i am safe upon the shore with my Prince. the one that has saved me from my sin and myself; the one that is constantly transforming my heart, to be able to give and receive love in the purest, most selfless way that He himself has served as an example to. in His gentle ways, the Lord has been reminding me to trust in His timing and find satisfaction in the One who loved me enough to write my story with the blood of His son. He has sacrificed it all in the name of His love for me. not that i've earned it or even deserve it, and well before i accepted it. in His mercy, extended for me, I can only hope that I continue to allow the tenderness of his love to pervade my heart into a long-living satisfaction in Him alone.

*** the rabbit trail ends, but I'm not quite done. my eyes are though. goodnight for now. ***

heart check

2011-09-17T10:36:00.001-05:00

i just read a passage in psalms on accident. i meant to click on my facebook bookmark, but i carelessly hit the one for the YouVersion Bible, and apparently I left off reading in Psalms. divine intervention or divine protection?

regardless of how i got there, it was a short passage and yet, it made me think.

8 Do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, As in the day of Massah in the wilderness,9 "When your fathers tested Me, They tried Me, though they had seen My work.10 "For forty years I loathed that generation, And said they are a people who err in their heart, And they do not know My ways.11 "Therefore I swore in My anger, Truly they shall not enter into My rest. --Psalm 98:8-11

Wow. i tend to err on the side of God's love and grace and mercy, and sort of gloss over the whole wrath thing. I know that He vehemently hates sin because it screws up His image-bearing creation, but thinking that the God i know and love swore they would never know His rest?! wow, that's pretty heavy stuff.

so i take into consideration what got them there in the first place. they tested and tried the Lord, even though they had seen Him at work. they hardened their hearts in the wilderness (which, at my bold and blind assumption because this was written in Psalms and not Exodus, that the wilderness is referring to the time he lead them out of Egypt, and across the Red Sea, and they spent their years wandering; again, not a Bible scholar).

how do our hearts grow hard? how do we test God, even though we have seen His faithfulness? do we doubt Him with finances when He's provided miraculously before? do we hold onto bitterness because we are in the right, even though He's shown us grace when He has every right to smite us? In Romans, Paul writes that since the beginning of Creation, God's glory, power, and divinity have been clearly illustrated through the creation, and that we have no excuse to not see the evidence. are we then still looking at His beauty and majesty reflected through the goodness of His creation and still doubting that He can move molehills in our own lives?

maybe i've grown comfortable in my faith, as I've turned over grievous behaviors and sinful nature over to the Lord; yet, I am not perfect. i am still a sinner, trapped by the condition of sin that was born into this world after the fall of man. i'm still selfish, and bitter, and don't favor my neighbor. i am still lazy on saturday and gluttonous with chocolate, and i don't spend nearly as much time serving those lower than i. but I know that is covered by grace at the cross, and He is growing me closer to who He intended me to be.

this verse woke me up to remind me that it isn't so much the action of sin, stealing, lying, drunkenness, immorality, etc., that drives the Lord to loathing His people. it is a condition of the heart, these verses tell us; as they have hardened their hearts, and were a people who err in their heart. in 1 Samuel 16:7, God tells us that we don't see things the way He sees them; we judge based on outward appearance (or my loose translation of what we see, we get; actions included), but the Lord judges our hearts.

friends, how many of you look in a mirror sometime while getting ready, before you leave the house in the morning? i'll admit, there have been a few days i hadn't realized until i got to school that i still had yesterday's eye make-up on (don't judge my outward appearance!). but for most of us, we never leave the house without taking a look at the mirror and making sure our appearance is put together. friends, i urge you to check your heart each day as you walk out the door as well. seek out any tiny impurities that clog up filtration process. trust that God is God, and what He said He will do, He will do. do not harden your hearts; He longs to give you rest under His faithfulness. live in fullness of that.

i just need to vent.

2011-09-15T22:02:00.003-05:00

y'all, if we're keeping it real here, and i'm assuming we are, because i'm the only one talking, then i must confess that i had a terribly difficult day today. this week in general hasn't been the best, but today was one of those over-bake-the-cookies-and-then-burn-your-knuckles-and-tongue, change-your-tail-light-only-to-realize-your-breaklight-is-out-too kind of day.

for the sake of maintaining some privacy in parent-teacher meetings (although I'm not certain what protocol is there), i'll just say that speaking with a parent today really left me quite discouraged and doubting my abilities as a teacher. what stinks is, i know that not to be true. i know that the parent, not due to ignorance or self-righteousness, wants her child to have the best education imaginable. trust me, i do too. i pour every ounce of myself into what i do, and then some. i am at school for no less than 50 hours a week, sometimes more. i know that she simply does not realize, at no fault of her own even, that it has taken every bit of the last 4 weeks to even get these kiddos to sit on the carpet, walk in a line, raise their hand, and make it to the bathroom in time. i, too, wish we were into more challenging curriculum, but truth is, these kiddos just aren't ready for challenging curriculum. kinders need time to fingerpaint, and work on letter formation, and sing a bagillion songs at the carpet, learning to count by 2's and 5's and 10's to the macarena. they need to laugh and be silly and learn how to interact.

i struggle with this, because i've been wanting to get deeper and deeper with independence and daily 5 and they just aren't ready yet! and i also struggle, because even though there is concern that kindergarten is not hard enough, there is double concern from parents of students that are already struggling to keep up even at this point in the year.

how do you do it? how do you span what is more like 3 different grade levels at the same time? i am differentiating at small groups already, something i honestly struggled with until well into fall last year. just yesterday, i felt so so encouraged by watching my kiddos segment and blend several CVC words with short a. y'all don't even know how much i feel like a proud mama in moments like that, where their intelligence just shines and a connection has been made in their brain!

i have to remember those moments. i have to allow them to remind me that i am making a difference. that i am doing my best. that i am good at what i do. Lord, grant me patience as i slowly lead these kiddos to academic independence. allow me to grow and strengthen my talents, to learn from others and my mistakes, and to be a better teacher tomorrow than i was today.

faithful.

2011-09-14T20:58:00.001-05:00

"you will see your past forgiven,
   you will feel your future rise.
you will see your passions driven
   I will redeem the tears you've cried.
I want you to dance among the nations,
   shout the cheers of a child's heart.
I long to grant you your desires,
  my beloved, this is just the start."

i was flipping through my journals and found this written in June of 2010 when i was in Haiti. i scribbled it down in pink ink amidst lyrics to "How Great Thou Art," and an admonishment of my call.

looking back, i have seen this prophesy become fulfilled. i stand forgiven today, under the umbrella of grace and a humble heart. i feel my heart ebb towards the shores of the future, with each tug a gentle reminder of His plans for me. my passions, for teaching, for haiti, for Christ, for servanthood are full as the leaves on a strong magnolia before the hot summer. and even in my tears, i have felt the comfort of the Holy Spirit as He moves within me.

these feet have danced on many a foreign soil; and just today, jubilation poured out of my mouth during carpet time and my kiddos are beginning to decode and construct words.

and to know that this is just the beginning?! that God truly does have my desires in mind as He creates opportunities for me to serve His heart and bless His name?

i am in awe of the faithfulness of a Lord that cares so deeply about His children. God, you are so good, and we are unworthy. and that's the point. you don't care. it doesn't matter to you that you are just fine without us; you desire us anyway!

thank you Jesus, for your love.

i remember.

2011-09-10T21:01:00.000-05:00

i asked my kinders yesterday if they knew anything about September 11th. one girl (mistakenly) said it was her birthday. i started to grapple with talking to them about what happened on that day, but I couldn't do it. i couldn't bear to confuse them and break their little hearts, or rather, relive the heart break that day caused me.

now, i was not personally affected by this tragedy. i didn't lose anyone i knew in the plane crashes; i had never even seen NYC from the outside of a plane headed for newark. but as a 16-year-old high school junior, i remember it being one of the most devastating moments i had walked through at that point.

i was young. i was naive. i was gullible. but i had a lot of heart. a lot.

i had just got out of 2nd period. it had to have been around 9:30. i was in mr. griggy's business tech class. emilee just got out of mrs. broggdon's next door, and told me that two planes had just crashed into the WTC towers. i remember my first thought being "wow. what a coincidence that two planes would accidentally fly into the same building." i told you, naive. she quickly brought me to my senses and i was in utter shock. our generation hadn't really suffered any major era-shaping event; we were limited in our ability to cope because this was a first for all of us.

i went to third period, mrs. havelka's pre-calc class (this was clearly earlier in the year; before i withdrew from that class!). we were all numb as she turned on the TV and we sat in silence and tears and whispers and fear, watching first the replays of the second plane as it propelled through the top of the tower, then as the towers each collapsed, live. i just remember none of us really knew what to think; or how to feel. she tried to teach a lesson i think; we couldn't handle it.

i remember being so concerned for my friend chelsea; her father is a pilot, and her mother, a flight attendant. they had left a few days prior for work that week, and last she knew, they had been in Boston. she couldn't get ahold of them.

i don't remember lunch that day, but i wish i could. i bet the cafeteria was as solemn as the rest of the school.

as the day dragged on, we attempted and accomplished less and less in each class. i remember continuing to watch the coverage, as stories about the pentagon and the failed hijack in pennsylvania poured out. we were scared. the president had been at a school in sarasota that day; air force one would've flown right over our little town on the way back to washington. in 4th period english with mrs. olsen, the tv played and emilee and i sat and prayed and cried together.

after school, we all took a trip to sweet berries, our local custard place. it was still a very somber moment, even as we jokingly knocked over our two napkin holders to mock the fallen towers as we took a group picture.

life changed a lot for me then. i can't pinpoint it, but i followed the news more closely; that initiated a lot of my american patriotism (i was the girl that wore American flag pins, yellow ribbons, and even had my IM all decked out in USA chants). a guy i had been totally wrapped up in in HS decided to join the army the next month, and well, we just wont even go there in this post, but it was pretty (not much of that part of life was! ha! but it does merit recalling). i remember the following year being at a cheerleading competition in Virginia, and gee-dub declaring war on iraq. lots of things changed, and all of it scared me. i think it caused all of us to grow up a little bit that day. i think we all lost a little bit of our trust and naivety. thats what sin does. it breaks us down. even when its not our own sin, and we are the victim of someone else's. but it also made us a little bit stronger. and a lot more reliant on each other, learning how quick we can be to turn to each other and be there for our brothers and sisters in times of fear and uncertainty. i can't say it was easy to learn that at just 16 years old. but at least we learned it then, and were more aptly prepared to deal with things further down the road.

don't eat the marshmallow

2011-09-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

lately, i've been praying a lot for patience. not specific to patience with my kiddos, or with myself, or with people even in general. not with situations, not with issues. but with jesus. the song, "hungry" by joy williams has been my battle cry and prayer:

hungry

i come to you

for i know You satisfy.

i am empty

but i know

that Your love does not run dry.

so i'll wait

for You.

I will wait,

for You.

I'm falling on my knees,

offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

there is something about this song that knocks me to my knees, literally; but in an expectant obedience rather than a painful, sacrificial waiting.

nearing 27, i would be lying if i said the thought that i am still single never crosses my mind in a world where people around me are getting engaged or changing their last names as quick and often as i change my facebook status (just a slight hyperbole on that one, but just hang with me for a few!). sometimes, i find myself daydreaming what that world would even look like in my life.

this prayer or that song is hardly limited to my thoughts on dating and marriage. that is just a small facet of where i am praying for patience. with paying off my student debt, with feeling like i am fulfilling everything the Lord has called me into, with being prepared to go where He says go; i must wait. and i must not lose sight that He truly is all my heart is living for.

this song reminds me that this journey is all about bringing Him glory through my passions and callings. in heaven, (at least it is my assumption) that we will no longer have struggles in which we must be sure we rise to the occasion and bring glory to His name in the midst of our waiting. the time and opportunity we have to point people to Jesus is limited to this very temporal moment on earth. i am hungry for more opportunity to serve Him and spread His glory, and I often forget to do that in the very midst of where He has placed me to serve.

crying out and waiting for God also means not filling God-shaped voids with worldly things. not trying to replace our hunger for Him and our need of His love with the love, acceptance, approval or even the encouragement of others. it is about waiting until Jesus alone can fill those gaps, cleanse those wounds, and overflow our cup.

decades ago, a genius of a man began a study about our mental state of delayed gratification. he placed four-year-olds in front of a marshmallow and left the room for 15 minutes. he told them they could either eat the marshmallow then, or, if they chose to wait, they could have two marshmallows when he returned. although this test could truly go a million different ways in this blog post, i will keep it simple, and just make the noted relationship that as we wait for Jesus, we get the better end of the bargain. we get the two-marshmallows here. sure, we have to wait. and the temptation of that marshmallow right in front of us, that we could very well have, might be awfully strong. but waiting for jesus and exactly what He has for us is ultimately a better deal, hands down.

friends, don't settle for just one marshmallow, when our Father in heaven wants to give you a bountiful blessing of His own design for you. maybe you don't even like marshmallows, but the sugar seems awfully tempting. wait for those chocolate chip cookies He is baking for you! hold out, wait for full satisfaction in Jesus, rather than a cheap, convenient substitute. in jobs, in relationships, in passions. God didn't create you for mediocracy; and He certainly didn't create mediocre things for you!

puddle hopping

2011-09-04T18:14:00.003-05:00

i sat by the chilly window and people-watched those dodging the blustery day. the NYC city-streets stay busy, as if they never got the memo from mother nature. i was safe from the drizzle, sipping my chai latte, snug in my leggings, leg warmers and boots.

okay, so i was day dreaming. its still a warm 75 in Nashville, although this dreary day has allowed the temp to dip below 95 for the first time since spring. so what if i was wearing flats, and getting in one last wear of white pants before Labor Day? and i may have been sitting window-side at Target, enjoying some popcorn and a cold soda. just small details, psh.

but i was people watching. i love days like this. the middle day of a 3-day-weekend, with the chance to be lazy-dazy and relax and sit and sip and not do a thing. days like this inspire me to write; in fact, i've already written three times today. and using my environment as my muse just makes writing that much more inviting.

i watched as a young dad walked across the slick asphalt to his car with his precious blonde toddler. she was equipped in her rainboots, and for just a moment, the two of them stopped as he held her hand and she jumped smack-dab in the middle of puddle in the parking lot. a lady on her way to the store front smiled with her eyes, as if she too could feel the innocent joy of this young one.

when was the last time you jumped in a puddle? when did we learn we should no longer puddle hop? what about it became so annoying? soggy socks? slippery sandals? did we decide that we don't really have the mere seconds to splash around? or did we just altogether forget to look for the opportunity to stop and enjoy the beauty and joy around us?

we may not always take the time to smell the roses, so maybe on this dreary day we can take a moment to puddle hop. it might be good for your soul.

can't wait to get those Hunter wellies for my birthday this month so i can splash without getting slimey toes :)

first world perspective

2011-08-28T18:00:00.000-05:00

on the heels of that last post, i write the post that i actually intended on writing. ~~every~~ some books need a preface, right?

unless you've found yourself under a rock, or disconnected from all forms of media, you undoubtedly heard about the first threatening named storm of the hurricane season. hailing from Florida, we grew up getting "Hurricane days," as opposed to snow days at school. learning how to track a hurricane was part of our annual curriculum. we all had evacuation plans in place, knew what sort of non-perishables to stock up on (my dad would get boxes of ding-dongs and ho-hos; no wonder why i loved hurricanes!), and would sit and watch the weather as if it were moving quick enough to change every 5 minutes.

all of that said, i get it. the hoopla over hurricanes. we were fortunate enough to never take a direct hit (although the eyes have passed just an hour or so in either direction of us). i understand and recognize their danger.

and maybe this is passé, but it is still on my mind, so i wanted to write about it.

last week, when hurricane irene was sitting east of haiti as a category 2 storm, no one seemed to care. the focus was that it could hit NYC later in the week.

as a journalism major, i know that a news story must have proximity to the reader to create a hook. i understand that NYC is "home-turf," so to speak. but it just didn't sit right in my stomach, worrying about million dollar high-rise apartments in manhattan when a million people could have to endure the hurricane in tents in haiti. (the most current estimate i read said roughly 600,000 were still displaced and living in tent-homes from the earthquake. the problem i have with that estimate is that in most other areas of haiti, the homes of even those not displaced by the earthquake are still "tents" by our standards; ill-pieced scraps of tin, wood, and block without a footer foundation).

i read about plenty of new yorkers stocking up on liquor for hurricane parties, and other perishable items (things that would not last in the case of a true emergency), and yet, i couldn't help but think of the haitian people unable to stock up on even the items kept in their "homes". fortunately, they avoided a direct hit again for the second time this season, and got nothing more than typical rainy-season rain.

but the media coverage was all focus on new york; the transportation system, the forced "nap" for this city that never sleeps.

i am not taking away from the danger of hurricanes, nor the havoc they are capable of wrecking on communities anywhere in this hemisphere. i guess its just the heart of what the "problem" is. it's all about our perspective. we are all very fortunate that the storm downgraded to a tropical storm before making landfall in NY, and leaving not much more than some localized flooding and downed trees behind. i know it is a terrible inconvenience when something as mundane as weather can force you to redirect your plans, and i don't want to appear heartless towards those that had to endure the storm in anyway, shape, or form. maybe we ignore it because the problem seems too big for us to be able to do anything about it. maybe we don't feel like it is our responsibility TO do anything about it. i don't know. and i don't know what i can do, or will do. and that bothers me too.

praying for safety for haitians and humanity in general this hurricane season.

1st world problems

2011-08-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

we all have them. things that irk us for no other reason than their sheer annoyance. the store was out of the "fat-free" version. the waiter forgot your house salad. ugh, you got stuck in rush-hour traffic because of a bad wreck (guilty, as i tweeted my frustration about this one last week). your iphone screen is cracked. the lady giving you a pedicure didn't do all the right massage techniques. and heaven forbid, they get your order wrong at the drive-thru and you've already left.

okay, maybe your frustrations are a ~~little~~ lot less petty than mine.

not sure who dubbed it, but social media has perpetuated the term "1st-world problems" for venting frustrations that really, in the light of it all, aren't problems at all.

this all got me thinking. we get frustrated when things don't go as we expect they should. but, do we really have the right to have expectations? where is that right born? when do we decide what we are entitled to?

because, if, after all, we base our expectations on entitlement, really, our entitlement is death, because we as sinners are not entitled to life.

that was, of course, all before Christ. and far too many commas, am i right?

Christ laid down every entitlement He had as God when He came to earth to live, give, serve, lead, and ultimately die for each of us. He decided that while we were worthy of death, His love, mercy, and grace would redeem us and make us ultimately entitled to eternal-life through His resurrection.

it's not easy to sign over your life, lay down your rights, and live as if you deserve nothing but have been granted everything through His love and mercy. it requires sacrifice. it requires patience. it requires a great deal of dying to self, and to be perfectly honest, i'm not very good at that.

the next time you find yourself getting upset at a "first-world problem," i challenge you to respond with love, patience, and grace; as if you are not entitled to that expectation in the first place. and pray for me: to be mindful of this myself, so that i, too, can live beyond a sense of expectation.

solstice

2011-08-28T16:57:00.000-05:00

i've been strangely distant from blogging as of late, but rest assured, it's nothing you did. the beginning of the school year is always insane, and i'm still having difficulty balancing and juggling school and the necessities, like eating, bathing, and doing laundry. (1/2 joking. 1/2 not really).

regardless, as the sounds of steve molaker draw nastalgia from the summers end and the late afternoon sun bounces colors from a mosaic glass plate across the ceiling, i'm feeling inspired. and congested, but thankfully, blogging doesn't require speaking.

in the hustle and bustle of back-to-school, it's easy to miss the beauty of the season's change. not that the change is yet underway, but even the subtle hint of the summer sun sinking slightly earlier to the horizon, as it too is sick of the summer's heat. there has been a momentary reprieve of the heat tucked in the early morning dusk when i take sabby out, a moment in which i feel the slow approach of a fall breeze, refreshing, yet fleeting, for now.

i'm ready for fall. i think we all are. the anticipation of change, when we know just what to accept, is usually welcomed. its the unfamiliar change that we are a little more resistant to accept. there is a readiness for a fresh start of a new season that brings a slight excitement within each of our souls. there are things that are limited by seasonal availability: college football, the leaves changing color, the love /hate relationship with back-to-school and the early morning routine it re-establishes. we as a people are always ready for new. we want do-overs. we want blank slates. we want a courtship with the nouveau, (even if we are quick to file for divorce when we are ready for the next). our hearts long for change, even those of us that are self-proclaimed afraid of it.

enter: jesus. the King of do-overs. the eraser of our slates. our eternal Courter. tears well in my eyes as i think of all i covet about the changing season, yet in the consistency of our Creator. broken and humbled, i crawled before Him this morning, in a way that i'm ashamed to admit i haven't approached His throne in a while. i spent time with Him that was intentional, and not in passing. i've become a big fan of having jesus around all day, talking to Him whenever I can or want or feel like. but there is something sacred about locking yourself away with Him, bare before the throne, allowing Him to dress your wounds.

Lord, you are so precious to me. and to know i am even more precious to you moves me to tears. Lord, you are faithful and worthy and holy. and that does not change with the seasons.

You, Jesus, are the same yesterday, today, and forever. --Hebrews 13:8

2011-08-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

i walked up besides the line, to see that three of my kiddos had not stopped at the door (like i asked), but instead walked into the room.

"patience," i heard His voice in my heart, a soft, still, (dare i say) patient reminder bouncing between the walls of frustration and impatience deep inside.

do you remember what its like to learn? to not yet realize that I do know best? remember, you're not always quick to follow what I tell you to do, either.

i know it's only been one day. and i know rome wasn't built in that time frame. it took 7 times around Jericho for it to fall, and the Israelites had to walk aimlessly for like, 40 years! but so often, in the moment, i forget all of that. i don't realize that they, too, are still learning it. Lord, help me to be patient.

these kiddos remind me how i rarely get it right on the first try with God either. the proof is in the fact that i've already forgotten that. Lord, give me grace.

answered prayers.

2011-08-07T17:54:00.004-05:00

let me just begin this post by declaring just how good God truly is. in the storm, in the harvest, in the overflow: He reigns supreme.

over the past month or so, i've been dealing with a tension in my heart that was a violent mix of my passions, desires, and still-fresh wounds in my heart for Haiti and missions that left me feeling perplexed, at best, about this current snapshot of my life.

truth be told, I began praying about a month ago about the direction of my life; although, it dates back much further than that. you see, i am my father's daughter, and that deserves an entire post of its own. it doesn't take long before my feet start to itch and i am bored with the contentment i find myself in, and begin to desire a new view. i was just 5 years old when i discovered there was a really big world out there and God had created me to want to experience the vastness of it. It was 10 years ago, at the age of 16, when I discovered missions, and spent three weeks abroad in Italy. and it was just over a year ago that I returned from quite possibly, the #1 most life-refining experience I would ever have by living in Haiti for 4 months.

this love and passion for the world and missions and most importantly, Jesus, is nothing new. it is not a trend i've decided to run behind, nor a need to flea from any issues i might have or baggage i'm toting around. it is truly the person i was created by God to be, and how I feel He will be able to use me best.

with all that said, about a month ago, when the feet started to itch, i began looking into just about every venue to get me from here to there. i had wanted to spend this whole summer in haiti, but the timing of it just wasn't right. i found myself looking on websites here and there, and yes, even considering DTS's or the World Race, or just about any other short term I could find. and i found myself feeling torn (as mentioned in the above linked post) because I knew God had ordained my position here, yet felt this pull to also "go". i found myself confused on if i was where God wanted me or not.

so, i began to pray.

and i knew that if for some unseen reason, my job (which I had received my re-hire letter in late spring) fell through, i would take that as a sign to go. not only as a sign, but as the actual decision essentially evicting me into God's throne room (because we all know how good I am with decision making).

well, low and behold ... i returned to school last week and we discovered our numbers were really low. like, as in, we had 2 too-many kindergarten teachers.

and the gravity of this reality hit me like one of those cartoon anvils in which used to fall on wiley coyote as he chased the road runner. this could really be it. this could be my answer.

needless to say, i was a wreck all week. i knew that God had placed me in this position last year. it was to a T, fit for me, down to Mr. Pierre and Ms. Lucita, whom I have come to love as family, and talk to more regularly than my own family even (and in French!). and kindergarten was my place. even during an evaluation, my principal said to me, "there are three types of people: those that were born to teach, those that learn to teach, and those that were born to teach kindergarten. and you were born to teach kindergarten."

long story short, the scenarios played out in my head. the likelihood of any of the following was pretty great:

someone would have to move schools per County Office's request
someone would have to teach 4th grade
someone may be let go of all together; and come to find the newest likelihood:
someone would have to teach 2nd grade.

at this point, I knew that 2 of those options were out for me. Three, if you wanted to consider the loss of a job altogether. i knew i couldn't change schools. i was already commuting 30 minutes east, to the western-most part of the county. any other school would have been even further south-east, and i honestly couldn't afford an additional commute (this one is already costing me over $200 a month). and 4th grade, in my opinion, was definitely out too. i would take either of these as a definite closed door, in which i knew that God had other plans for me ... likely involving His mission field.

on thursday, we found out that the highest likelihood would be that one of us would move to second grade. this was really grey area for me. i knew that 4th/another school meant i was haiti-bound. and i knew that staying in Kindergarten meant that He had a job here for me, and it was not complete yet. but 2nd grade? i don't know a thing about second grade, and i didn't feel like i could make that decision and say that i would do it or decline it, either way.

so i began to pray about that, too. that i would not have to make the decision; that God would open and close the doors according to His will, and that it would be nothing I, in my selfishness, pride, or non-confrontational skills could mess up at all.

He did just that.

thankfully, i can say, i still have a job teaching kindergarten at my same school. im delighted to know that i am right where He wants me, for the time being. i prayed about going; He said no (or at least "not now"). i prayed about staying; He put me right where i belong. i prayed about not having to be the one put in the position to have to decide to stand up and be true to myself or sit back and be loyal and respectful to my boss and colleagues, and He steered me clear from that situation. i am so grateful for this roller-coaster journey that has been the last few weeks.

it only reiterates that everything is for our good and for His glory.

He is not a God of mystery, but sometimes, it does require patience on our part to wait for the answer to the prayer, before trying to create our own.

Psalm 120:1
I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayers.

if you can't say anything nice...

2011-08-03T21:38:00.000-05:00

some people say that if you can't say anything nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all.

i, however, believe, that if you are struggling to say anything nice, you should really try to think of something nice. it's border-line Biblical; with all that stuff Paul said about fixing your mind on what is good and true and noble.

so, in light of my current funk and the shifting circumstances in which i've found myself sitting in (what should be) a short season of uncertainty and waiting, i've decided i would share some truths i know; if anything, to declare His goodness when i'm having a hard time swallowing that.

immediately, when i found my head in a fog, and not a desire in my heart to write a post on whats going on with my teaching position until everything gets hammered out for sure, i knew that i had to push through. i knew that i had to write something about His goodness. truth be told, i know it all to be true. minus the cracking foundation yesterday, God blessed me with a tremendous day. He spoke encouragement into my heart from the time i woke up until the time i fell asleep in His arms praying. what i wrote last night about His goodness and His will is not just something I know and believe, but something I am truly confident in even despite what changes are to come.

but today, my body, mind and heart are in a funk that my spirit is not, and the off-kilterness of it all is leaving me feeling unbalanced, like i should be crying my brains out, or throwing up. but i can't. but i also can't eat much, and feel nauseous at the thought of drastic change, or being propelled into a world of upper-grades that doesn't stir my passion (nor do i have any %&#(#*$&@ idea what i would be doing in that situation).

so, even though my mind and heart don't feel like typing, my spirit, the cheerleader that still remains in me, is still yelling "yay, God!" even if my mouth can not right now.

therefore; i will share a story. the one i knew i must share the second i knew i could not write. i was going to offer a disclaimer, but at second thought, it doesn't really bother me if you think i'm crazy. that doesn't negate what i know to be true and how i know that i've experienced the Lord.

the following is an excerpt from my journal, written in Haiti, dated April 13, 2010.

Last night...! WOW! Even the fact I'm journaling over blogging should speak volumes! The Lord touched my life in a way so radically that I hope to never be the same!

We had a women's gathering in the prayer room, with Lisa, the LA & Kona outreach teams, the Swiss Counseling School, teachers, leaders, and volunteers. Probably about 20-25 total.

After beginning with praise and a little testimony from Lisa, we began praying for the leaders; and then their children. Lizzy prayed for the Holy Spirit to come upon her and knock her off her feet. She said she had been praying for the gift of tongues since she was 14, and always wondered why they didn't come. So we began praying for her first and I could feel her anxiety in her blind faith. Tamy said she felt the Lord just tell her that it just wasn't the time, but it's not because she is young or not hungry enough-- just not ready. So we began praying for Rebecca and I just felt reminded of Daniel. How, even as young as he was, he influenced kings and world leaders, who adopted his faith through his boldness. As I spoke this out over her, I began to tremble and I knew the Spirit was in me, encouraging the exhortation. As they prayed for Wilna, she was brought to her face, and we prayed for her on the floor.

Then they asked the teachers to come pray for each other first and then be prayed for. As we began to pray together, huddled there, I felt just the outpouring of His Spirit. My speech began to tremble and the words I was forming in my mind were not the same ones coming from my mouth. I knew He was gifting me with tongues! For the first time in 9 years! I've been praying for this, and had it spoken over me, but finally, without ever even trying, I received!

Then, (and this is where it gets crazy) I began to get the giggles! Filled with His Spirit of laughter and joy! It was CRAZY! I was just chuckling at first, but then I couldn't stop! As we prayed, I was just so anointed! I heard this incredible song being sung that I had never heard before. So I looked around because I thought maybe others broke out into song, but they were steadfast in prayer. The sound of the rains increased, and even over the pounding of the rain, I could hear the angels singing. So, I stood there. Praising the Lord, in His tongue, and dancing with the Angels! It was so powerful, and I was overflowing with JOY! TRUE JOY! HIS JOY!!! I got the spirit of laughter really bad, and had to sit down; the girls were laughing with me! I tried to speak, but the words would not form! I felt so intoxicated in the Spirit! and that just increased the laughter!

We prayed and praised for two hours and 45 minutes, and I was too enthralled by the Lord to even care! I literally left so refreshed and filled and physically HUNGRY!

In my candid vulnerability, I called and shared with Christina, and had trouble finding the words to use! I know people may think I'm crazy, but the Holy Spirit showed up HUGE and I am unashamed of His presence!
***

So, there you have it. Reminding myself of how big God's heart is; and I know it is. I've felt the love in it before. I know the joy and the peace and the pure infatuation He brings, I've basked in it. So, from what I know about this one, monumental experience with God's presence reminds me that He not only just loves me, but that He delights over me. That He is worthy of praise, and that doesn't just mean when our circumstances permit it. God's love is exponential, and this cliffside where I stand may have a hard time seeing that beyond the far fall, but it too is just an expression of just how much He loves me and wants my heart to praise Him.

All for our good, and for His glory.

If you can't say anything nice, remind yourself there is plenty good to think about.

the tide

2011-08-02T21:22:00.000-05:00

i stand
at the waters edge.
the tiny waves creep up the shore,
as they curl over my toes.
take a step towards Me,
they call out
as they roll back out towards the sea.

i step
both feet into the ocean.
my footprints
like temporary memories on the damp sand.
i feel the drag of the sand beneath my toes
as i sink,
the water cool around my ankles.

i close
my eyes beneath the sunset,
still warm against my skin.
breathe deep
the salty air fills my lungs
with comfort
and scents of home.

i feel
the tide
pulling me,
alluring me,
into the sea.
You are safe with Me,
He calls again.

the tide,
once terrifying,
is tug-tug-tugging
my feet from beneath me,
my heart more towards Him.

i give
into His beacon,
give up my resistance,
and trust
that the seas are where He calls me home to.

rest assured.

2011-08-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

i've been silent here in the blogisphere as of lately, but God has not. He is speaking and moving and working, the same yesterday, today and forever as we are told in Hebrews. a lot has been happening, or maybe it hasn't yet; but God is moving nonetheless. He reminded me today that "He does everything for our good and His glory." Instead of Him just reminding me of that, He has given me no less than 4 opportunities to declare that and to share it today. He spoke encouragement to me through the well-timed words of a friend from Haiti, through the maturity and confidence in Christ from a younger brother in Christ, through open conversation revisited today from a moment last week with one of my spiritual sisters at work. God has been good, indeed.

with that said, please keep me in your prayers today and tomorrow. God is God, and He is powerful and all-knowing. my limited field of sight renders me fearful of the unknown; but nothing is unknown to Him. in my moments of anxiety over the potential upheavals that could come my way tomorrow, i can declare that with confidence. after all, God works all things for our good and for His glory.

radiance

2011-07-26T00:21:00.000-05:00

Praise the Lord; for He has shown me the wonders of His unfailing Love. (Psalm 31:21)

The Heavens proclaim the glory of God, the skies display His craftsmanship. Day after day, they continue to speak. Night after night, they make Him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world. God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race. The sun rises at one end of the heavens and follows its course to the other end. Nothing can hide from its heat. (Psalm 19:1-6)

God, girlfriends, and a whole lot of grace.

2011-07-24T22:15:00.001-05:00

everything about tonight was perfect. it certainly didn't start out that way, but with every lap each walker/jogger made around my picnic-bench command center, joy rose from somewhere deep within my soul, a place not accessible through my own strength or grace.

sure, the cool breeze certainly didn't hurt-- as daytime highs have peaked in the triple digits as of lately. the sound of laughter and juvenile play were distracting for the obvious, yet non-annoying, reasons. i began to recognize couples lost in conversation as they slowly meandered around the loop again, or the high-octaine energy of a little girl as she rode faithfully on her scooter, beside her running mother, making at least two miles before they disappeared with the evening sun.

just an hour or so prior, i was sitting on my couch reading, but wishing for a porch swing. something cozy, but not confining. i opted for one better: centennial park, just minutes from my house and downtown nashville. there is something almost magical to me about centennial. maybe its that i am learning to see the God-given beauty in things; or perhaps sometimes our souls just ache to be anonymously surrounded by plenty. either way, i sat, almost entranced by my environment.

i began to read the last few chapters of our Beth Moore study, and I felt God's presence rising deeply in my chest. as my eyes scanned each unassuming passer-by, and each loaded word from the pages of the text registered with my heart, i felt a swelling of love and joy. He loves us. all of us. deeply. yet, uniquely. no more, no less, than the guys playing frisbee or the homeless man sleeping on the park bench. He cherishes each of our hearts, our purposes, our calling with a fervent faithfulness that is not lack or void or limited.

i've been feeling this love a lot lately. i've been recognizing it more readily. finally, something has seemed to click. not to say its of my own doing, or even permanent, yet, it is refreshing to be reminded of our value to Him.

one thing I love about Beth Moore is how she hashes out real-life issues in the context of the Word. in our study on insecurities, she wrestles with many of her own hang-ups, all the while shining the light to expose how we were meant to live in the security and confidence of Christ. to be quite honest, I didn't even really know what study we were doing when I signed up for it. I was more or less interested in the community we were going to foster through this 7-week study. compared to just even a few years ago, my insecurities have waned and my confidence in Christ has grown, exponentially. i'm not perfect, nor am i even near the horizon of a stopping place, however, I feel through God's divine grace and provision, I've been able to walk through a number of valleys in my heart and my past and come out not only virtually unscathed, but rather, healed from a number of open wounds and lesions. to God be the glory!

to be even more honest, I feel like I haven't had to hash out a lot of my own junk in reflection while reading this book. certainly, it has shed light on some creepy-crawlers in dark-nooks of my heart that I was unaware existed, and through Christ in me, I've been able to lay some things to rest. but overall, I didn't go into this study with a hand full of issues I was ready to conquer.

but the good that has come from this, the sound truth and practicality that has been unearthed by Beth's written words, has been enormous. i feel as if, in one fell swoop, she has managed to expose the insecurities that loom behind some of my otherwise seemingly-normal preconceived notions of self and others, identify why they exist in the first place, and create a way for me to repurpose my efforts in evaluating them and responding. it's been a rather unique process, and only in light of some of the changes have i been able to even identify the old, dead, dark parts that I never knew existed.

most recently, especially in the past week, i've noticed a change in heart towards girlfriends and people in general. where that ugly thief, Comparison, used to claim territory, I've noticed a God-given rejoicing with those that rejoice (Romans 12:15). rather than that ugly stench of jealousy (even the hidden, well-purposed, jealous-because-they-really-did-have-it-that-good,-so-it's-a-compliment sort of jealousy), I've found a sincere form of joy in seeing my sisters in Christ blessed. as women, we sometimes have a sadistic, twisted, sick form of love for our sisters, that enjoys to see them struggling, because it reminds us that they, too, are flawed and lessen the assumed, and often one-sided, competition. we've talked at length about this at our weekly study, and its obvious that we're in good company with how dirty, grimy, and filthy we are, even in our most treasured relationships.

i spent a great deal of yesterday with a dear, dear friend of mine and a newly-wed. being in the land of single while a great deal of my friends are getting engaged, married, or having babies in this new season, sort of feels like setting sail on a ship monikered S.S. Alone for Life. admittedly so, when 5 of my best friends got engaged within the first three-months of this year, (not to mention, my wedding invitation count is up to 9 for the March-October timeframe), it was hard not to find myself in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity-party in which, even if there were any single friends left, they certainly would have mind enough to not attend! needless to say, although I tried my darndest to rejoice with their rejoices, much of my heart had found its way to a dark alley of bitterness, jealousy, and self-loathing.

not that i wasn't authentically happy for my soon-to-be- and newly-betrothed friends, but it was made less, even if unbeknownst to anyone else, by (not-so-) secretly wishing it was me. but yesterday, i noticed something different. i noticed my heart be truly excited for her, even thankful for her new bond of marriage. i found myself excited for her journey and new role as wife, and the responsibilities and struggles inherent with that. i found my heart in agreement with what their hearts had already committed to long ago. and, almost selfishly, i felt free of the binding chains that steal the joy of those deserving, if only to make us feel a little bit better about our selves. jesus, thank you for your grace and mercy! thank you for your freedom and joy! thank you for the gift of friendship, the institution of marriage and what that looks like as we're still doing life together as girlfriends for the better part of our 26 years.

there's been some sort of unwarranted cosmic switch in my heart. my eyes that used to see every cute and happy couple, and immediately question when it would be me, have softened and prayed silently, Lord, may they bless each other and encourage each other in the ways you created them to! the judgmental parts of my heart that might involuntarily think something undeserving about someones physical nature: size, looks, appearance, is beginning to think "you go, girl!" when i see someone dressed appropriately, rather than feeling one-up'ed or superior to. even as i look in the mirror and see my own imperfections in my skin and my body, things that not only would I have not been pleased with, but rather, disgusted by, have begun to not phase me. I've noticed I don't negative-self-talk my pudgey tummy, or become self-conscious of whatever I'm wearing. (although, a portion of this I would attribute not just to finding confidence in Christ, but also in dressing comfortably and confidently for my body, and just recognizing that my clothes still fit just fine.) I am tearful in even writing this right now, because as women, we SO badly want our bodies to be perfect, and we are often devastated because we don't, or even can't, look ideal. Girls, I want to challenge you to LOVE your body. I can't even believe I am saying this right now. Me, who has dealt with weight fluctuations or unhealthy body image or eating disorders just like the majority of the female population. love YOU. accept YOU. YOU are beautiful. you are BEAUTIFUL!

did you know that?

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! not 10 pounds ago; not with 50 pounds to go. right now. YOU are beautiful. Jesus loves YOU! Did you know you were clothed with strength and dignity? DIGNITY! HONOR! and not the kind you have to choose to put on daily. rather, GOD-GIVEN. HE has clothed you in dignity and strength! not your own either, lest you think you must stand alone.

could you imagine if in our hearts and minds, we stopped looking at one another and sizing each other up-- I'm the best dressed here; I wish I were skinny like her; She is way more successful than I. My butt is bigger than hers-- and rather started looking at each other and finding the beauty that God sees? could you imagine not only what that might do for that other woman's self-esteem, but for your own self-image?! as i've begun to compare less, i've noticed my own acceptance with how i look has grown! and acceptance on the inside, looks like confidence on the outside.

this post has been a lot of places, i know; i get it. but if you leave with nothing else, i want to simply exhort you and challenge you to see the beauty in you that God sees every moment. i reminded a dear friend today with a few words that had not even graced my mind or heart before i spoke them as truth into her life:

Know that you are dearly loved by so so so many! and you are gorgeous and blessed! More importantly, you are cherished by the creator of this universe! and He has created you so uniquely for a purpose, and that is to lead a life that glorifies Him, and serves as an example of purity, love, grace, etc. You are going to be a great woman, because you are already a phenomenal daughter of God! You deserve encouragement and blessing; but we all need reminders of our worth and value in Christ. We get so bogged down with seeing our reflection in the mirror and lose sight of the "us" that God sees.

Although I had no intention of offering any sort of encouragement, I began to type simply what I felt that God saw in her. When we begin to focus on what God sees, our vision improves and moves past simply being a flaw-finder.

even covered in mud and muck and all the dirty, seedy, disgusting places we've been; God LOVES you and finds you to be His beautiful beloved. know that, trust in that, and begin to see your beauty, and the beauty of others within the same frame of sight.

***

and to my girlfriends, near and far, close or distanced by time: i cherish you. thank you for each bit of beauty you have shown me that has added each dot in the pointillist painting of God's design and beauty. i ask your forgiveness for not living up to what my faith speaks at times, for not challenging you when you need it, for not rejoicing with your joys or weeping with your sorrows at times. each and everyone of you are beautiful, and i am blessed through your friendships. you all have shown me the grace and mercy and hand of the Lord in action-- even those of you that may not believe in God. i have been supremely blessed by your tenderheartedness and vulnerabilities, and am thrilled to be able to walk out life with you. and to my special loves with bling on the ring-fing; Christina, Jacquelene, Cara, Carly, Daniel (& Molly!)- I could not be more thrilled that God has blessed each one of you with that divinely-ordained soul-mate! That alone makes me rejoice knowing that we serve a God so in tune with our uniqueness, that He has created just one special person for us to share the intimacy of daily life with. I'm honored to walk with you through this season, and to learn from the examples set forth in your ideals and marriage.

thankful.

2011-07-19T00:44:00.000-05:00

i am thankful for community. specifically the community of my women's study at church. perhaps, even more so, the generosity of the Lord to ordain and align such a wonderful, diverse group of women to be vulnerable and honest and rotten with.

i like to think that the Lord rejoices when we we take those divine appointments and people he's placed in our path, and use them as opportunities for fellowship, relationship building, and ultimately, healing within His body.

if that's the case, I would have to say that He was rejoicing tonight.

maybe it was just me, but it seemed like a lot of us really were eager to share. mainly just about how dirty we are, but hey, at least we recognize that now. and we're beginning to also see just how much He loves to make us clean. how He desires for us to live without dissension or competition, but rather, evaluating everything in the light of Truth, and not striping our value from ourselves, or those we destroy with our eyes. In fact, tonight's study wasn't even so much about not striping value, but rather, about restoring value. to ourselves, and to those women we interact with and either feel inferior/superior to.

i'm thankful that the Lord gives us choice in the matter. we can choose to lay down the sword. we've got a big enough enemy to fight; there's no use fighting each other, too.

jesus, you are magnificent and merciful; you are holy and just. you are faithful and true. you are generous with your grace. i am constantly finding ways to keep swimming in mud, and you are ever-so-patient and gentle as you cleanse me again. Lord, purify our hearts and sanctify our thoughts. let us establish our God-given confidence and dignity, and let no man, woman, or enemy tear it from us. our security was settled on Calvary; it was bought for us, and given as a gift to us. receive it. help us to lay down the sword and receive it. amen.

boom. roasted.

2011-07-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

couldn't find a way to describe it. until this chorus.

it's time for healing
time to move on
its timeto fix whats been broken too long
time to make right
what has been wrong
its time to find my way to where i belong
there's a wave thats crashing over me
and all i can do is surrendor

whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos,
but somehow there's peace
and its hard to surrender to what i can't see
but i'm giving into something heavenly.

time for a milestone
time to begin again
reevaluate who i really am
am i doing everything
to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

so show me what it is you want from me
i give everything
i surrender

to whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace.
and though its hard to surrender
to what i can't see
i'm giving into something heavenly.

time to face up
clean this old house
time to breath in and let everything out
that i've wanted to say for so many years
time to release all my held back tears

whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but i believe
you're up to something
bigger than me
larger than life
something heavenly.

learning to trust

2011-07-18T13:59:00.001-05:00

i just re-read my post below.

it's amazing that everyday is a struggle to trust, even in light of all God has done for us, provided us with, sheltered us from, or the dirty grime He's cleaned from our flesh.

that's what this journey is about. learning to trust Him. and only Him.

His plans for me are best. He know's what He is doing, even when I have no idea.

I trust you, Jesus. I trust you.

music notes and tears

2011-07-18T13:54:00.001-05:00

this morning has been one of those days in which your eyes fill with tears for no apparent reason. it's not a heaviness, but its not a feeling of lightness after the miraculous receipt of grace. it's void of the typical anxiety and overwhelming sense of something. i wish, if only for my own sake, that i could describe it. it's a mood that begs to be left alone, while crying to be surrounded.

i turned on my ipod to listen to music while i blow-dryed my hair. instead i sat. and listened. it had been a while since i listened to music with the only intent of listening to music.

Matt Nathanson's "Little Victories" came on. i don't even think i was listening to the lyrics, and tears began to slowly accrue at the corner of my eyelids. it's a short tune, but i just felt like it was a battle cry.

"and i'll be awful sometimes, weakened to my knees. but i'll learn to get by, on the little victories."

what does that even mean?

i kept listening. a song i didn't even know by Warren Barfield came on. "God Believes in You."

"no one likes to say goodbye cause blinded by the tears you cry, it's hard to see tomorrow's hello's. going where your heart is leading, though it's never easy leaving home, embracing the unknown. may you be the spark that sets the world on fire. find in your heart only God's desires. dream as big as you want to. there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believes in you. you didn't end up here by chance. it's more than merely circumstance. the ride's just begun so hold on. if you could see how much you're loved, just a glimpse would be enough to show that you don't go alone. so be the spark that sets the world on fire. find in your heart all that God desires. dream as big as you want to. there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believe's in you. 'cause your wildest dreams: no, they can't compare, to all God's prepared; it's true. here's my prayer for you. may you be the spark that sets the world on fire..."

in complete honesty, the type that tears only typically bring about, this is something i've been wrestling with for a while now. that same honesty and bold courage is the kind that usually is followed by "i'm going to africa," or "i'm moving to Haiti!" the frustration in it right now is that i don't know what it is followed by, or if it even is. maybe it's just a stirring reminder to never become complacent. maybe it's more. i want that to be God's prayer for me. i want to set the world on fire for Him. i want His dreams to live within my heart, to thrive within my life.

there's been a slew of things i could line up as signs, or dismiss as coincidence and over-analyzing (ooh, i haven't been this good at that since college!). regardless, i'm not there yet.

if i can be extremely vulnerable, while also not soliciting encouragement or discouragement (because rather, i'm just voicing my own thoughts to verify if any of them make sense), there's a huge tension that hangs between my head and my heart. my heart is in teaching. it relishes in the making of cute plans, the designing of classroom themes and bulletin boards, and exciting 18 precious ones with a joy for learning. but my heart is also in missions. it is torn, because my head knows i can't do both. my head knows i have $45,000 in student loan debt. my head knows that i am paying off credit card debt from college and grad school (and making good head-way, might i add!). both my head and my heart are in agreement that God is bigger, but in reality, i've got responsibilities to get in order before i can think elsewhere.

my heart wants to be so aligned with jesus and His plan for me. my head wants that, too. the question begins with what exactly is that? i have to assume that it is currently where he's placed me, and the job that He Himself has ordained perfectly for me. but isn't it always static? shouldn't there always be progression towards something bigger?

i said a few scary things out loud for the first time about a week ago, about what the bigger might be. i actually woke up a few times last week with tears in my eyes because I felt God had just been speaking to me about the future. and y'all, that's scary!

i guess when it boils down, if any outside variable wasn't an issue (money, time, commitment, responsibilities, etc.), the question is: where would my heart be?

i've been avoiding that question for over 3 years now. i don't think i'm ready to answer it still. i bought a book when i first moved to nashville 4 1/2 years ago, called "what the heck am I going to do with my life?" i never finished it. not out of apathy, not out of boredom, not even out of the a.d.d. i usually suffer when i try to read books. more or less, its out of fear. fear that i will discover, or uncover, that i'm not doing what God wants. or that i'm not living up to my potential. or that i'm not happiest where i am. perhaps, that i'm wrong.

maybe it is fear that is causing me to question, maybe it is the tugging of the Lord to move in a different direction. for now, i will serve with my talent, time and treasures doing the things that He's given me to be passionate about: children, education, Jesus; and not in that order.

perhaps the songs were a whisper. but in His time, he will no longer whisper. He will call. I trust Him enough to do so; He's done it before.

thanks for letting me vent.

love is the thing

2011-07-13T01:46:00.001-05:00

for the past 8 months or so, i've been attending the Tuesday night Bible study at my church, The Village Chapel. as a church, we walk through books of the Bible, reading and gleaning from the whole context, rather than hearing sermons on a key text or a choice verse. i love this about my church, and i feel that it does a great deal to help us walk in knowledge as to why we believe what we believe.

the first study i joined was on 1 Peter. then we journeyed through a 12 week study on Hebrews. more recently, we concluded a study on Ephesians. because summer is an interesting time for people and churches alike, we've taken a different approach, and are doing the book study "The Reason for God" by Tim Keller as our Tuesday night study.

last week we explored Christianity and the Bible and their credibility in a culture that places a high value on reason and evidentiary science. this week, we delved into the topic of other religions and how there is only one true path to God.

i've been attending TVC for almost 2 years, with a 4 month hiatus for the time i spent in Haiti. in the time there, i don't think i have ever experienced such a rich and valuable dialogue as i did this evening.

don't get me wrong; i absolutely love our church. the authenticity in the simplistic worship, the way we read through the Bible chapter by chapter, book by book. the loving gentleness of Christ that is reflected in the way Kim brings our prayers and needs to the Lord; the genuine, patient-urgency Pastor Jim brings through each weeks teaching.

but tonight, i feel like something shifted; like revival began to knock at the century-old chapel's doors. and it was magnificent.

maybe the move i felt was in my own heart; maybe it was palpable for others sitting, discussing, observing. regardless, it was there. and it overwhelmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes!

toward the end of our discussion, a woman stood up and said she had a question. she said she is not necessarily a Christian, but that she would identify herself with Christian principals. she has many friends that are agnostic, athiest, muslim, hindu. her question was, "when people ask me am i a Christian, what does that mean? what does it mean to 'be' a Christian?"

as i pondered, and listened to Pastor Jim's response, I was almost embarrassed that i didn't have an immediate clear-cut response already penned in my head. but as i thought and reflected on what my relationship with the Lord has meant to me, my heart churned and pounded, and i could just sense God's presence through all the doubts and beliefs and faith in the room.

although i never had to verbally account for what being a Christian is for me, i figured it was still, if not only important, but rather imperative for me to define it. so what better place.

at TVC, like many other churches or organizations, we have a motto. our motto is this: love is the thing. and i guess that would be my response to her. Love is central to what Christianity is all about. yeah, there's the "love-your-neighbor thing," and the even higher, "love-God "thing, but even more inherent to our faith is that God-loves-us thing. and if you really think about it, it is so absolutely crazy to think that our Creator, someone who made the Milky Way without effort, one that has seen the expanse of the world and every sunrise and sunset, would even care as much as to take care of our menial needs? it's straight up ridiculous. but to me, it is so crazy, that it just must be true.

love is central to our faith. God loved us first. out of His love for us, we are brought into unending grace. as a response to that love and that grace, we develop a love for Him in return. as a result of our love for Him, we should extend the same love and grace to every single person on the planet. (notice i said should, lest we forget that Christians are human, and self-centered just like the rest of the planet. it is so hard to break us from the nasty shell we come in!). and that love for others, and our love of Christ, should draw others in, into a love they, too, can share with Him!

i felt God's heart for this group of vulnerable souls all throughout the discussion time. when a new seeker confessed that she is in the exploratory stages of her faith, even saying she wouldn't even consider herself a believer yet. rather than grieve for her, i felt my heart cart-wheel! God is moving in her, FOR her! He is drawing her near to Him, even in ways she might not recognize! like showing up for a study about faith! like seeking! and asking questions! He's got a plan for that girl, and I can not wait for her to discover His redemptive love!

perhaps one of the best parts of tonight was the outgoing questions and comments from two young women that were visiting. one of the girls, Brittany, asked the question, "why do we try to use scare-tactics (you're going to hell unless you convert!) to 'evangelize,' rather than share the Gospel of Love?" her friend, Jasmine, stood up to answer. her comments seriously made my heart squeal preach it sistah! and brought tears to my eyes.

brittany said she was just a babe in the faith, and there was much she didn't know yet. and as a baby Christian, she's still dealing with the tension of not measuring up to perfection, failing Christ, and understanding that that is okay! that He will still love her! she reminded us, that there is nothing any of us can do to drive that love away from us, that He will always extend that love and forgiveness, that mercy and grace regardless of how well or poor we perform. Brittany said that sometimes, as mature Christians, we can forget what it's like to feel dirty. we forget where we came from. and in that, we often don't show that same love that is even hard for new Christians to comprehend, heck, i'm still trying to figure it out! but in her honesty and vulnerability, in her newness of faith, i was blessed with a profound thought on how i've never even realized i've likely acted subconsciously.

she is right; we do forget. i forget all the time what it was like to feel like a "sinner." i was grateful for that reminder, that we need to dress the wound of the broken with the same gentleness that we once required. mmm. such good medicine for the soul. thank you, jesus!

as she said, we forget what it was like. in fact, i recounted my story for perhaps the first time ever, tonight.

i was young. i feel like i was 5 or 6, although additional facts would place me in about 2nd grade. to-may-to, to-mah-to.

i went to church with my best friend from elementary school, jessica. my family didn't go to church, although we did a brief stint at the Kingdom Hall when i was about 4 or 5. all i remember was wearing my first cardigan (because the meeting hall was so D cold!) and the cheese danishes at the convention (dee-lish!).

once, my sister and i got a children's Bible for Christmas. we were so disappointed it wasn't a toy. i think my sister scribbled in it with crayons. i would've never done that. i was a good child. (or so my version of the story usually holds).

anyways, i remember sunday school because it was the first time i had ever been. and also, because it was the first time i had heard about these 10 rules you had to follow to go to Heaven. now, i don't know if this was part of a two week session reviewing the Old Testament, and relating it to the New, but all I know is I only got half the story. and i. was. devastated.

all i knew, was that i was wretched. honor my father and mother? i knew i didn't always do that. no lying? uh oh! but the cardinal sin for me was "thou shalt not steal." i was convicted. when i was three, i accidentally stole a pack of juicy fruit (or double-mint, i can't *quite* remember all the details!). i honest-to-goodness did not realize i had done anything wrong. but i had sinned. and for this, i was damned to hell! that is a tough cookie for any 7-year-old to swallow!

oh, i remember praying and praying and praying! i knew there was a God, even that young; I just knew it. there may have been some influence on that at least at home, but i had never heard about Jesus. or at least i don't remember it if I did. all i know, is that I left that Sunday thinking about not only how cruddy i knew i was, but about how disappointed God must be in me for breaking His rules. i was so scared about hell, and i begged for forgiveness all the time for the same silly sin. the thing is, i never got the other half of the story! i was so lost not knowing there was reconciliation for my sins! (note to any sunday-school curriculum developers, please, please PLEASE make sure you don't just teach the 10 commandments without talking about how JESUS comes to REPLACE the law! sincerely, redeemed-after-many-tortuous-years-of-guilt-and-shame).

once i found out about Jesus, it made SENSE to me! i could never make up for that pack of gum i stole; or for that time i accidentally killed a frog while digging footers with my daddy for his new house in third grade (i'm tellin' ya, i had the biggest, guiltiest conscience as a kiddo!). but the reconciliation, it clicked. i knew i couldn't do it on my own. i had already failed God, and at this rate, would fail him again by snack time. and i knew he couldn't just forget what i've done; afterall, there were these rules that i had broken. but when i found out that the solution i had been hoping for actually existed!? i was elated. but i don't think i realized what a big deal that was until the past 10 years or so.

as part of our study, we talked about the reason for pluralism, or even the reason religion existed in general. from a very young age, i knew i was rotten. even the goodie-two-shoes that i was proclaimed to be. i knew i had a cruddy core, and nothing i could do could compensate for my failures. i got that. and i knew there had to be more. that something had to exist beyond me. to see any sunset and not wonder how something so magnificent could be on accident, to not question what purpose all of this life serves to be? just knowing there was a God was not enough. i guess i began my faith journey like the jews. believing in the law, and recognizing my own inability to maintain it. no other religion offers a means to bridge the gap in which we know we are dirty people, and God is a holy God. and then, there was Jesus. and he changed everything for me. He brought redemption, and purpose, and forgiveness.

if you are reaching for something more, if you are left unsatisfied by your own mistakes and your inability to clean yourself up; come to Jesus. His love is unending; His mercy flows free! there is true freedom in His redemption. and He has loved you, will love you, more than you could ever even imagine.

having the right (gr)attitude

2011-07-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

if you're from the south, you may have noticed this *slight* heatwave that has taken over. it may have forced you in doors, or caused you to shower more often than normal. i didn't even realized how hot it was until i finally checked my weather app today to see that there was a heat index warning, as the current temp was 99 with a feels-like of 107 and rising! i knew i had been sweating, but i usually try to assume its not as bad as it may be.

i thought about it today; the odd juxtaposition of 1st world problems in relation to the third-world. someone asked me if it was hot, and i remember responding that i didn't quite know; i had only made the venture from the house, to the car, to the salon.

as i was leaving the store, i was acutely aware of how hot it was as my freshly coifed scalp began to sweat.

but i was overcome with a spirit of gratitude.

thank you jesus, for a world so perfectly crafted in which every detail you've arranged.
that you've made this planet inhabitable by giving it just the right spin and distance from the sun, in which we can survive.
thank you, jesus, for the technology that has produced air conditioning.
thank you jesus, for blessing me the opportunity to be born into a culture that both values cold air, and also can afford it.
thank you for providing the comfort of a cool building to exit and a cool car to enter.

just a small reflection of the things in life i have to be thankful for.

what are you grateful for?

addendum

2011-07-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

okay, so here's the deal. yours truly did, indeed, get a haircut today. how much, on the other hand, is a little debatable. but let me explain before i'm accosted and sentenced back to the chains of my former 'do.

this morning, as i typed my blog, i conceded my defeat. i gave the Lord any left-over dreams or desires, and said 'do what you want with this; i'm done.' i went in, armed with pictures of bobs, shoulder-length shags, and a few longer 'do's i had pinned in the few days since i made my appointment. i had fully come to terms with having to say good-bye to as many inches as it took to make me my hair healthy again.

well, after consulting with ashley, a dear friend and talented stylist (book her here!), i came to find out that she wouldn't need to take off too much at all, only about an inch in the length, and then a little more within the layers. with every snip of the scissors, i found myself, for the first time, not concerned with the amount of hair that was on the floor. i don't know if it was the fact that my hypothetical "wedding" (in which i have NO details as to where, when, or most importantly even, with WHOM?!) was no longer what was guiding my immediate thoughts on hair, or the fact that i had a sense of security that wasn't shaken at the thought of less hair on my head. regardless, it was one of the most carefree times at the salon for me (and if you knew me circa 2001-2006, you would know i spent and awful lot of time there).

ahh, freedom.

and, ... bangs! now THOSE are a huge commitment! but as of yet, i love them!

what do you think? are the bangs a good thing?

not that i will ever be able to recreate this look (round brushing should be considered a rare and challenging art form!), but even without the loss of too many inches, i felt free in a sense of the word.

maybe the world needs a few more hair cuts. and a lot more jesus.

split ends

2011-07-12T10:44:00.000-05:00

today marks a huge milestone in my life.

no, it's not my 30th birthday (yet; gah, that's fast approaching!). it's not the anniversary of my first hanson concert (although, it actually may be). and it's certainly not the day i decided to convert to harry potter fanaticism (i'm okay with the fact that i have had nothing to do with any of those potter/hobbit/star wars books or movies).

today, i (will) cut my hair.

you're disappointed, i know. i get it. after a build-up like that, you were fully expecting me to purchase my first home or announce that i was preggers. but give me a moment to explain.

my entire life, i have wanted long, luscious locks. i've dreamed about flowing curls at my wedding. but instead, i get hair that takes a year to grow 3 or 4 inches, and in that time, the ends are so devastated that it requires at least an inch cut off twice a year to just make it semi-healthy. because it takes soooo long to grow, i surreptitiously skip over the suggested 6-8 week trim, because in that time, they would wind up trimming more than has grown! and for the past year, i've noticed that my hair is thinning. i went through a stage after coming back from haiti in which it began to fall out by the handfuls. i was devastated and borderline depressed.

i know this all sounds petty, but for a girl that has dreamt about her wedding since she was old enough to successfully walk in mama's heels, this is monumental.

this afternoon, i am going to get a hair cut. it may or may not be drastic to you. but what it is, is me saying, Lord, i trust you. i'm not holding on to the dream of getting married, expecting it to happen in the forefront of the next few years. Lord, i trust in your timing. Lord, i know that your plans for me greatly exceed my own. i hand over to you my disappointment, and i trade it in for hope. not hope for this to happen, or for that; but a hope in your perfect will that can never bring disappointment.

theres an amazing correlation between the split ends on my head, the dead ends of my past, and the broken strands being repaired and renewed by the Lord. today, i ceremonially cut off the old and dead for the promise of new life and health.

oh how he loves us

2011-07-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

one evening last week (okay, it was thursday, and yes i spent 5 minutes trying to figure out exactly when), i was driving on the interstate to make a quick trip to michael's. i have sort of been in a crafting craze as of late (my roommate has started to call me "martha," and i'm not totally put off by the comparison!) and my latest obsession with pintrest was driving me to create a book wreath (neither here nor there, really).

all of that to say, driving down the interstate, just before rush hour really got too thick, i found myself in {joyful} tears. leaving my house, i really wanted to hear the song "how he loves," and managed to find it on pandora. as i listened through a crackly reception, i let the words permeate my heart.

He is jealous for me. His love's like a hurricane; i am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. when all of the sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and i realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

oh, how He loves us so. oh, how He loves us; how He loves us, oh.

we are His portion, and He is our prize; drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about, the way ...

He loves us. oh, how He loves us. Oh, how He loves us. how He loves us so.

i found my eyes filling with tears, and my heart overwhelmed with the abundance of His love and mercy. as i drove down 440, i felt as if i could feel God's love for each person in each car that i passed; and i wanted nothing more than to roll down my window and just shout at them just how very deeply the Lord loves them and values them and wants to have an intimate relationship with them! i was overwhelmed with His love for His people, and His love for me. what a joyful, comforting feeling that we serve a God that loves us SO deeply and cherishes the time we spend with Him! mmmhmm.

i was reminded of one night i spent in Haiti. i had just left the prayer room, and was walking back to my apartment under the clear, caribbean sky. i paused for a moment at the end of the sidewalk, before crossing into the dirt path to our quad. looking up, a shooting star streaked across the night sky, and my heart melted. melted! for Jesus. i had always loved Him; but that was the first time i remember feeling that same "in love" feeling for Him! i felt as if He had created this entire world, and all its beauty, just to show me and share with me and give to me! that night, i sat in the coolness of the sea-bound breeze underneath the mango tree and blogged. i felt like i was journaling about a first love that had just captured my heart.

the feeling i felt that evening driving to the art supply shop was the same feeling i felt that night in haiti. i am absolutely in love with jesus and am so grateful to serve such a loving, thoughtful, provisional Father.

fresh

2011-07-08T01:10:00.001-05:00

yuck. i hated that last post. i needed a fresh start.

voila! oh the joys of internet posting.

i need for this post to be two things:

i need to write. to release. to create.
i want to talk about jesus. lots about jesus. i hope that's okay with you. good.

now that that is out of the way...

sunday. ah, sunday was a glorious day. i wore blue and white in honor of it being the day before my favorite holiday (and let's be real; 95% of my summer wardrobe is some sort of blue/white combination).

sunday was communion sunday at church. we do this as a church family the first sunday of every month. i love this tradition. i love how the holy spirit does so much work in our grimy hearts during this time. i love the reminder of christ's body, the bread; the example his life was. the reminder of the blood he shed on calvary, the wine, that reminds us it is by His sacrifice that we are forgiven. its a mystical thing to me; how my heart gets it, but my head still doesn't quite understand. i'm okay living in that tension though.

we also talked about the story about the two sisters, mary and martha, and their interaction with jesus. it was a pretty introspective time. i've got some martha qualities that need some refining, but overall, think i can align with mary much of the time. i love how she sat at jesus' feet, just listening. just being. one thing i really took from the sermon was that being is greater than doing, sitting at jesus' feet must precede action on our part.

{some scripture notes:}

with jesus > for jesus
worship > working
being > doing
the "good" thing (serving jesus) can often distract us from the "great" thing (being in His presence)

sunday, i also missed haiti tremendously. you see, saturday marked the 1-year anniversary of me returning to nashville from haiti. i don't do well with anniversaries of things that make me sad. my ~~mind~~ heart is a steel trap, and when i miss something, i miss it with aggressive adoration. i read through some of my old haiti blogs, reminiscing and praying as my heart felt the distance of that year. it was neat though: in that moment, an old friend i met there messaged me, and we wound up talking for a little while, which helped to bridge the two worlds. i love how God always knows just what we need.

i spent a lot of the evening listening to worship music on pandora, and my heart was so full of joy that i literally (if not gracefully!) danced for jesus in my living room :) hopefully the neighbors didn't witness that.

in preparation for THE greatest holiday on this side of the globe, i retreated to my attic, and spent some annual Patriotic QT with my sewing machine. after a snaffu with the needle (which sent me to walmart for replacements!) i sat down to find that even a new needle didn't fix the issue! something was severely wrong, and it would not stitch correctly or hold the stitch! it was extremely frustrating, and i tried everything i could to fix it. so i prayed: "dear jesus, please help mend whatever is broken in this machine. i don't have the money to replace it, and you know how much joy i get from being able to sew. thank you for giving me this passion, and i ask in your name that you would set right whatever is wrong with this machine. amen."

and just like that, back to normal. i love jesus! he longs to take care of even our smallest needs, even if they seem silly at the time!

i'm astounded at his goodness. i am blessed beyond my own heart and mind can comprehend. when i think about His love, i barely understand it, yet i know i am fully beneath it. i want more from you Lord; not in a selfish, or unfulfilled way; but in a way that is not yet satisfied. a hunger that is not yet placated. jesus, thank you for your love and mercy.

just give me jesus

2011-07-08T00:39:00.000-05:00

i come empty; no witty banter, no clever hook. i'm usually really good at taking familiar, daily-life situations and making them relate to some profound aspect of faith. or i'm really bad at it and i've just fooled myself. regardless, i come with no agenda, with no metaphor, with no interesting plot.

but as i lay down for bed tonight, i say this: just give me jesus.

even in the midst of summer vacay (which is way, way, WAY too short), i've felt the busy-ness bug. do this. complete this. make this. cook this. read this. very little enjoy this. and in the moments that i spend doing nothing, i feel guilty. i should be reading, praying, writing, working, exercising, you name it. i turned on the TV today for one of the first times and watched a marathon just because. i've had nearly 6 weeks of summer, and its the first time i've done that. and i felt guilty every second.

its hard to rest. and its hard not to feel guilty when i do. and its even harder that in this time of rest, i often feel like there is still much to do and be done. and its hard when i keep going and keep doing, because i know that this is the time of rest, and it's only going to get worse!

all of that is neither here nor there.

you can have all this mess,
just give me jesus.

i'm certifiably insane

2011-07-06T18:13:00.003-05:00

today, is july 6th. see? right above this, it says so.

that means: it is still summer.

however, since roughly 11 a.m. today (so for the last 7 hours!), i have been working on stuff for school.

yep. teachers never rest.

granted, i have barely lifted a finger more than the half an inch it takes to hit each key stroke. nonetheless, i have been sifting through other primary teachers blog sites, discussion boards, and even my latest addiction, pintrest, in search of new ideas to get organized and ready for the fast approaching school year!

it's not the fact that i haven't left the house. or showered, or heck, even gotten out of my pj's. it also has nothing to do with the fact i've written a 16 page parent handbook for back to school night, highlighting every minute detail of our classroom from arrival to homework to recycling (yup, even going green!). it's not even the fact that I'm considering (as a second year teacher who barely has her feet wet!) implementing a CRAZY, regimented, INDEPENDENT method of doing my literacy centers (yes i do teach kindergarten and did say INDEPENDENT?!?! (although that might be one of the reasons, for sure).

but the fact, that in my ambitions of a 2nd year teacher, I want to create a unit on teaching 5-year-olds to write a newspaper as an end of the year thematic project; and i want to write a blog about it?! yep, i am. certifiably insane that is.

my new teaching blog will be linked from this page at the top header like those other under-used headlines. and it will chronicle my 2nd year as a kindergarten teacher.

i'm ambitious. but that doesn't mean i'm not nuts.

reading through all the other teacher blogs out there, i realize just how much we have to learn from each other! I have been so blessed by the pages and pages dedicated to explaining how they do their centers, photographing the cute things from units past, and detailing their method to the madness! (and indeed, it IS madness!)

so, I'll be blogging over at www.wateringthekindergarten.blogspot.com (hehe, get it?! i love that play on words! ... lame, i know.) i figured it would be best to not make all my 8 followers (and those creepers that don't officially "Follow" -- ... dad!) read through how i taught 18 children to stand in a straight line today! (way harder than you think!)

okay, enough. i have to go ... enjoy the last couple weeks of summer vacay ...

... by reading about more school stuff i'm sure.

part 2 : dignity, a new fragrance by JC

2011-06-28T15:18:00.005-05:00

(check below for the first original post! :)

on the other side of people watching, is being watched. it's hard not to feel judged, or insecure in your skin when you know eyes are on you. every time i got up for a refill or to use the restroom, and trekked across the cafe, i felt, and saw eyes look up as i passed. often times, if i'm underdressed, in gym clothes or the like, i feel like they are staring at me in disapproval. other times, if i am overdressed, i feel that their sharp glances are thinking that i'm trying to prove myself or over compensate. whatever it is, our insecurities convince us that everyone is plain and simple out to get us.

now, for the most part, i don't let my insecurities rule my life and my actions. the study we are doing has only brought the ones that i wasn't necessarily aware of out, front and center, for me to deal with. which has been a good, enlightening process i would say. it has made me aware of not only areas that i have been insecure about, but also what those insecurities might look like, as well as what might be the root cause of them in the first place.

and praise HIM, because i have noticed the more that i've been able to pinpoint, the more distant those issues have seemed. the Lord has helped me accomplish mountains upon mountains of growth in the past 10, 5, even two years! to think about where i used to be, what drove me, what hurt me, what hurt i hid; WOW! i am not boasting in pride of my own accomplishments; however, i am boasting in the redemptive grace of the Father that has lifted me, freely, out of hiding in the tight grasp of satan's lies and deceit into a place of vulnerability and light, grace and forgiveness, freedom and acceptance!

i think my challenge with strength and dignity (as referenced in Proverbs 31:25 and my previous post) is no longer just clothing myself in it (or rather, allowing Him to clothe me in it), but now is more or less related to making sure that i choose to wear it so that i properly reflect my confidence in the Lord.

people (and i say this to definitely include myself!) pass judgments (solicited or not) based on first impressions. hopefully that first impression even allows for conversation, but typically is based purely on appearance and demeanor. i am guilty as charged. i might automatically think "that person might be a good friend!" based shallowly on nothing more than the fact i admire the way she dresses. i might also conversely think that someone is a debbie downer based on a momentary scowl on their face (but really, who walks around with a huge smile on their face when they aren't even talking to anyone, let alone approaching anyone!?). i'm not proud of this instantaneous judgment, but i think (or would like to think) that it is just the way that we as humans process our surroundings as safe or dangerous.

all of that to say, i feel like once you have really allowed it to sink in that God has given you strength and dignity as your inheritance, that your new challenge is to wear it in such a way that it is immediately recognizable, even within those moments of first impressions. that's not to say that everyone will pick up on it, and say "wow, she's a Christian, and knows that she is loved dearly by the Lord!" just because you've walked in the room wearing a TWLOHA shirt, eating chick-fil-a while holding a coffee from starbucks. but i think the way that you carry yourself, initiate (or respond to) a conversation, as well as the tone and choice of words you use convey a deep meaning of how you value yourself (or perhaps, more importantly, what you believe about how He values you).

i think of two things: the first of which comes to mind is that "new car smell." you get into a car, and it could be dirty as anything, but you know that it is new, because it smells new. it has this fragrance that is just steeped in newness. i want that to be my fragrance. i want everyone i met to think "wow! she really loves the Lord!" in a way that newly in-love couples love each other. the newness, the novelty has yet to wear off. i got an air freshener for my car a few weeks ago, and it's amazing what that hot pink flip flop on my rearview is capable of! it completely overrides that "your-jetta-smells-like-crayola" scent i've been hearing about for the past 8 years! it's so strong, you barely have to open the door to smell it! i want that! that is the kind of fragrance i want to bring about Christ! that people who barely have a chance to get to know me, can already tell that I am passionate about my faith, and that i know i am radically loved by Him!

secondly, well... i guess i forgot what came to mind second... maybe it was this: in finding our confidence through strength and dignity in Christ, it is important to be mindful to not become prideful, arrogant, or conceited. that can ruin our fragrance faster than spoiled milk sitting in the sun. when people see Christ on you, they don't want to see you steeped in a superiority complex because you've miraculously figured it all out all of the sudden. remember, you are being watched as an example, and you need to look like an example of Christ, not an example of what society values most. i'm speaking to myself here, too. when you are full on Christ, sometimes it is easy to forget that not everyone is where you are. use your full cup to fill the cup of others, not to remind them that their cup is empty! ghandi once said that he liked our Christ, but doesn't care much for our Christians. i hate that for us. i hate that we do such a bad job of being the church. why is it so hard to just live out what we say we believe? (rhetorical; that would be more than just a whole different post!)

thirdly (i remembered this was my second thought!), i think of the woman in Luke that broke her flask of perfume at the feet of Jesus as she washed his feet with her tears and hair. think of what she must have smelt like for days. i remembered accidentally dropping a bottle of perfume at macy's once. yikes. it filled the store with its fragrance within seconds of shattering. a little bit goes a long way with that stuff! (i've had some bottles for three years now!) i like to think that she smelled so strongly that even after bathing, the scent didn't fade for weeks. imagine running into her in the market, never having spoken to her, but just having heard that she was the lady that washed jesus' feet; only knowing this from what you could smell! i think that is fabulous. i would have loved to meet her. i think that as jesus spoke to the religious Pharisees among him, saying her sins, although many, are forgiven because she has shown love to Him, unlike the Pharisees-- good gracious, could you imaging her dignity restored?! what that must've felt like to be humbled enough to go before Christ as a dirty sinner, to perhaps make a fool out of yourself in front of a posh crowd, but to go and do it in brokenness and love and humility; and then to have Christ himself tell you, "Go in peace; your faith has saved you,"? Oh how the Pharisees must've hated that! but oh, dear Jesus! THANK YOU for restoring that woman's dignity right in front of those that stood in false strength and glory! what an honor; what a story!

so friends, i challenge you, that when you are on the watched end of people watching, stand confidently in the Lord, and pour out His blessings to all you encounter. wear your dignity like an expensive fragrance for all to smell. its the perfume that smells best on us all.

people watching, part 1

2011-06-28T12:54:00.004-05:00

i'm sitting in panera, at a bench seat for two facing the entry and the line. i have to admit, i love people watching. i find it to be more of a great insight into the sociology of our culture than an excuse to look someone up-and-down and judge them (although, i have found some true gems that i wish i could go shopping in their closets!).

across from me, a newly married couple meets with a well-dressed young business man, perhaps over insurance or realty or business deals. they aren't friends because the couple is explaining their background.

a few older gentlemen gather in the corner, regulars in this busy lunch spot. (i know because i've talked to one of them at least once before). they laugh and converse before heading back to their laptops and hot tea.

vandy girls in their oversized t-shirts and athletic shorts come in small droves. mommy-daughter dates seem to reign supreme as most the aisles are blocked by heavy-duty strollers. the lady next to me is dressed to the nines and looking prim and proper, as she quietly eats her meal and surveys what it is i keep looking around and then typing about. pre-teens looking older than i do, tall and tan and silky hair, with a much better sense of fashion than i had at their age, tote their iphones around with pride. i've noticed i'm far too over-dressed in comparison to the amount of summer skin i see, with a three-quarter length maxi dress (navy and white striped, of course); which apparently isn't as unseasonal as i suspect, because my bones are freezing to death.

i am intrigued by the different people that walk past. at different points in their life, age and stage. some, gym-bound; others, already dressed for friday night. a few months ago i posted a blog about what Christians should wear (metaphorically speaking, of course. to date, i'm not aware of any order of the orthodox church on what not to wear... although, i could imagine adding a few things to my own personal list).

this week in my beth moore study at TVC (so long, insecurity!), we talked about the woman of noble character mentioned in Proverbs 31. there is no doubt that if you are a woman of God, you know who i am talking about.

as i read through about this woman of noble character, i see some things that reflect my heart, and some things that i don't fit very well in, especially that whole up-before-the-sun thing. i'm encouraged and discouraged in one fell swoop, but i'd like to at least think that i am growing in the direction of looking more like the woman described in these passages. at our study, specifically, we talked about how she is "clothed with strength and dignity," in verse 25.

contrary to my last posts about the fruits we wear, being clothed is quite different than "putting on" clothing. the way it is stated in scripture, "she is clothed..." sort of has the connotation that it is a comfortable covering. its warm, inviting, worn with honor. it's not by her own doing that she has strength and dignity; however, it is a gift from God. we also read a supporting verse from hebrews 2:7 in which details how God created man a little lower than the angels, with dominion over the created earth, and He "crowned them with glory and honor."

did you know that God sees you worthy of honor and glory? that He is the one that chose to give you strength and dignity? the same God that knows your heart and your past and your faults and your failures, is the one that deemed you dignified. that is how He sees you, beloved! He doesn't want you to walk daily in your shame or guilt. He doesn't want you to stand meek behind a veil, hiding your insecurities. He wants you to stand confident in Him, in what He sees in you.

you may only make it through a few verses of the Proverbs 31 woman before you decide that is not what you look like ... yet. but rest assured, if nothing else, that God has crowned you His princess, His bride. that as a Christian, you can walk dignified, with His strength. do not buy into the lies that you don't have it all together so you are not worthy. that you're not pretty enough, successful enough, strong enough on your own for you to be seen precious in God's eyes. don't even for a second think that because you don't see yourself in the images described in Proverbs 31 that you should't have dignity. don't think that even because you have felt judged or been judged, even by a believer or the church as a whole, that you can not stand tall with dignity wrapped around you. and don't for a second let the devil make you believe that your mistakes and sins and even the most terrible thing that you have ever done could or even should rip your dignity away from you! no! let God restore you! stand tall, His precious one! that is the beauty of Grace! do not wear guilt and shame that only further perpetuate your insecurities! wear His strength and your God-given dignity like a badge of honor. don't just put it on, be clothed in it.

you are what you eat

2011-06-25T11:38:00.002-05:00

despite the title, this post has very little to do with food. although, that double chocolate raspberry pavlova is certain to grace this pretty little page in the very near future.

when i was younger, i played tetris religiously (okay, i was in college. whatevs). before i knew it, i looked at everything as if it were a tetris board. in my head, i had mathematically figured out a way in which all my furniture could stack together; the way the ice machine at the restaurant i worked at would drop sheets of cubed ice would immediately throw my mind into a tailspin trying to visualize their exact placements. now, unless you're in the packing business, this is not a very desirable skill set.

and then, there's zumba. i've gotten so accustomed to learning new moves to songs with great beats, that i can't help but dance like a fool in front of everyone at busch gardens when a familiar song comes on (true story). now, even when i so much as listen to the radio while i'm driving, i can't help but see dance moves in my head to every 8-count.

and lately, all this reading i've been doing, i've found myself even thinking in prose. the way i calculate the words in my thoughts; who does that? no one hears them, anyway!

but it all got me thinking:

the things that we meditate on (or do, or become consumers of) are the things that are much brightly reflected in us. ergo: you are what you eat.

even in this short post, i have been able to recognize that my intake isn't nearly as healthy as i had hoped. i've had to scour my bible for the following verses, fully convinced one was in hebrews, the other in 2 Peter.

"we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5 NIV)

why do we do this? well, just like tetris and zumba and the voice of donald miller, the things that we do and consume, are the things that our brain engages. my brain is quite more malleable than i care to admit. just give me a week with a person that has clever sayings or a unique accent, and i can almost guarantee that i'll come back talking just like them (i noticed this after spending a day with a family from kentucky at a hanson concert in atlanta when i was 13; first time i ever recognized a "southern" accent in myself).

so, if our thoughts are wild and wreckless, then our actions are sure to mimic. if they are destructive and unhealthy, our hearts will soon mirror that, too.

but if our thoughts are on Christ, and bringing Him glory, we are ever-cognizant of our charge to live blameless and pure lives (who knew that was riddled throughout Proverbs, too?!), and we are more likely to resemble that call.

all of this seems pretty lofty, this "captivate-your-thoughts" thing. how are we supposed to accomplish something that seems so challenging?

in Philippians, Paul concludes his letter with this: "finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Phil. 4:8 NIV)

God desires more than just our soul, prayers, actions, or words. He wants our hearts and minds, too. allowing our mind to get caught up in negativity, maliciousness, or lies steals the joy that Christ should bring to each of us. as you think beyond yourself today, i challenge you to focus on the things in life that are right and pure and lovely, thoughts you wouldn't mind sharing with Christ Himself.